[Didot49]

Hi Anon, Yes, reconnection started shortly after I moved into my own house. I live about 25 minutes drive from H now, so it’s harder for him to just turn up unannounced

Thanks for stopping by my thread, you always leave really thoughtful comments, and have great insight. I know I’m in a position that I used to dream about, as regards reconnection, but I’m weary. When you realize what you’re dealing with is probably MLC, you read all about it, and see that it takes 5-7 years or more to work though, but I think some of us (that means me for sure) think that our spouse will be the exception to the rule. Then it doesn’t turn out that way.

I think sometimes it’s hard to remember how far you’ve come. There was a time where he couldn’t be around me for more than 10 minutes.

 We’ve worked on our friendship, but we really haven’t had many of the tough conversations that eventually need to happen. How do we move forward? Maybe we carry on as we are for a while.  I’m letting him take the lead on the pace of things. I think he’s still got a lot to work through, and so do I.

In the meantime, I’ve been invited over to his house for a barbecue tomorrow (just the two of us), so we’ll see how that goes

[Milly]

Didot, so good to hear an update from you. Nice to hear about this slow reconnection. I'm glad you're getting to share some pleasant times with your H. I find it interesting how slow the reconnection is. So kind of you to share this with us. I do think that we all expect them to wake up and be immediately their old selves, or to end the relationship with OW and therefore want to be with us. Hearing how it pans out differently is really good for us LBSs to hear about. The MLCer is still dealing with his old fears/worries even when he's clearly wanting to reconnect. Seems that you are handling it very well.

Hope your barbecue is good fun. x

[Kimber]

I lost my cool recently and told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore,

I do stuff like this A LOT. I go on a streak where I am doing really well, detaching, yada yada and then I get to thinking and get so pissed and hurt that I do something so counter productive it negates every step forward I have taken. I wish I could stop.

[Didot49]

Thanks for commenting Kimber. That quote was from 2018 or 2019 when H wasn’t the only one monstering; I did my fair share too. It took a long time for me to realize that H was going through a MLC, so I handled everything badly. I finally got better at listening, and better at detaching. I still get triggered, and that’s maybe what’s happening to you? I have made plenty of mistakes, but things have improved with H, and we are getting on really well.

Milly, hope you are doing well. I really appreciate your insight. I think a lot of damage was done in the 2 years before H left our home. We were in an attack/defend pattern for a while, and I know I made it unbearable for him at times (just owning my part in this). The affair also did a huge of damage, and it’s obvious that there’s a lot of healing to do, so I guess I can understand why things are moving slowly.

I spent the afternoon with him today. He barbecued, we drank wine and talked (no relationship talk though), and walked the dog together. He talked about putting the family home on the market; he’s living there right now. I honestly have no clue what his plans are, in terms of where he will move to, and I have no idea where I factor into those plans. I guess that remains to be seen.

[Milly]

Didot, so glad you had a lovely barbecue. I guess it's as if you just met, just started dating and don't really know each other fully, nor have to make joint decisions on where you might live, etc. It is really quite bizarre just like everything else about a MLC. You do seem to be doing really well. No pressure does appear to be the secret.

[UrsaMajor]

Didot,

There is an old saying"that I will steal and add a U-M-phemism to.......

"Behold the lowly turtle. He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out... But it is VERY slow progress...."

But, it DOES seem like it is some sort of progress....

[KeepItTogether]

Didot--great to hear from you. Sounds like it is a slooooooow but steady process.  Having just gone though a T&G myself (albeit a long one), I completely understand those "talks" and how we want to discuss the elephant in the room, but we keep it light. You are better at this than me though b/c I still let things get to me. Whereas you understand the MLC part is his process. Your process is a completely different one and you are working through it well.

Congrats on almost being a full fledged librarian! I remember you studying while in Tuscany--now THAT is dedication.

[MadLuv]

Didot- Just found tour story. Was curious where you are in your life with H and how things are going? Hoping no news is food news for you. Thank you for journalling your story. So much I can relate to.

[UrsaMajor]

Resurrected Didot's thread by request

[Didot49]

It’s been a long time since I’ve journaled, almost two years! I was just about to lament that things haven’t drastically changed, but I guess they have, just not in the way that me in 2021 would have hoped.

Updates are:
I graduated with a 4.0 with  my Masters of Library Science degree at the end of 2021. I’m still working in a public library and loving it. I highly recommend an intense course of study to take your mind off the crazy.

H agreed to do the Marriage Helper class with me last July, and shared with the class why he wants to work on his marriage, and then proceeded to continue to not work on it.

H retired, and is struggling with no longer being a high powered businessman. He said he couldn’t work on the marriage as he needs time to get used to being retired. It’s hard not having your ego continually stroked.

May 2021, our brother in law, Peter, died of Covid. He was H’s sister’s husband. H was very close to him, and Peter was one of the few people to dare call out H for his bad behavior. H took his death particularly bad, and any intimacy we were having went out the window. We also lost H’s mother in January 2022, and our beloved coonhound in April. Our dog died on our wedding anniversary, and it felt like the final nail in the coffin for that date. Unsurprisingly, H was withdrawn more with each death.

He had a hip replacement November 2022. I moved into his house for two weeks and looked after him.

I recently started seeing a therapist for me, as I started this year realizing that I had stopped looking after myself.

I can feel a shift in my way of thinking and acting around H. I feel like I’m finally reaching acceptance. My H is a clinger of epic proportions. He continues to send mixed messages. No intimacy, but flowers on Valentine’s Day, and dinner this weekend. He frequently stops around for a chat, or invites me to the movies. He phones almost everyday, pops over to my house a fair amount, and has taken to making me lunch and delivering it to my workplace. He evens brings coffee tome and my colleagues. This all sounds great, but it isn’t a marriage. There’s no intimacy, no commitment, no conversations of great depth. I’m not getting the feeling from him that he wants a marriage. If anything I’ve been ‘friend zoned’. He seems to like living alone.

The conversations with my therapist have made me realize that I do want more. I’ve been separated for over 5 years, and lived separated with him for 2 years before that. I have realized that I have been in denial this entire time. It finally hit me that my marriage ended 7 years ago, and it really doesn’t look like he wants a new marriage with me.

I have a trip with him, his sister, and our daughter coming up soon ( I will be sharing a room with our daughter), but I think after that I need to devote far less energy to him, and focus on myself.