[UrsaMajor]

It’s been a long time since I’ve journaled, almost two years! I was just about to lament that things haven’t drastically changed, but I guess they have, just not in the way that me in 2021 would have hoped.

Updates are:
I graduated with a 4.0 with  my Masters of Library Science degree at the end of 2021. I’m still working in a public library and loving it. I highly recommend an intense course of study to take your mind off the crazy.

Congratulations! That is amazing, especially the 4.0 (for those not familiar with the American grading system, you can't really get a better grade than that) GPA

H agreed to do the Marriage Helper class with me last July, and shared with the class why he wants to work on his marriage, and then proceeded to continue to not work on it.

Another case for the "MLCer does no real work and expects things to magically change?"

H retired, and is struggling with no longer being a high powered businessman. He said he couldn’t work on the marriage as he needs time to get used to being retired. It’s hard not having your ego continually stroked.

May 2021, our brother in law, Peter, died of Covid. He was H’s sister’s husband. H was very close to him, and Peter was one of the few people to dare call out H for his bad behavior. H took his death particularly bad, and any intimacy we were having went out the window. We also lost H’s mother in January 2022, and our beloved coonhound in April. Our dog died on our wedding anniversary, and it felt like the final nail in the coffin for that date. Unsurprisingly, H was withdrawn more with each death.

Good Grief! That's like being dropped into the Boxing Ring with Mike Tyson. Never mind H's withdrawal, how are you doing with all that. That is an awful lot to handle in a relatively short period of time...

He had a hip replacement November 2022. I moved into his house for two weeks and looked after him.

H is a lucky person that you were willing to do that for him despite his actions....

I recently started seeing a therapist for me, as I started this year realizing that I had stopped looking after myself.

GOOD FOR YOU!  Self-care, in whatever (non-destructive) form it takes, is always a good thing

I can feel a shift in my way of thinking and acting around H. I feel like I’m finally reaching acceptance. My H is a clinger of epic proportions. He continues to <...snip...>
I have a trip with him, his sister, and our daughter coming up soon ( I will be sharing a room with our daughter), but I think after that I need to devote far less energy to him, and focus on myself.

From over here in the cheap seats, it seems that H is Wallowing Away in Clingerville (Hey wait, isn't there a song like that? Oh, that's "Wasting Away in Margaritaville" but the word pattern matches. You can thank me later for getting Jimmy Buffet stuck in your head... ). On the other side, it sounds as if you are making strides in self-care, growth, introspection, and figuring out exactly what DiDot wants for her life and that is a good thing. If H wants to keep up with you, he's going to have to get off the porch and on the ball. Otherwise, he's just going to be seeing a dust trail where you used to be.

Like we keep saying, the MLC'er is on their own journey and there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to influence, control, or change it. All we can influence, control, or change is our response to it and our own choices/actions.

In other words, we are responsible for our own happiness and no one else. The same goes for the Mid-Lifer. Only they can choose to be happy or not, work through whatever skeletons they have in their closet or not, pull their head out of their .... fog ... or not.

[Treasur]

Reading your post, Didot, made me think how very normal that sounds, to have reached the place where you are. With hindsight, I often think that BD and all that comes with it and after it and all our own flailing around in it, is rather like finding oneself in the emergency room after a very bad accident. Eventually, and sometimes it can almost surprise us, we find ourself walking out of metaphorical physio therapy and stopping to consider what now. Part of that - and imho this is a particularly specific thing bc it is different for different folks in different situations - is a kind of almost objective consideration of where we are now. Which leg works, which doesn’t so much, what matters now, how we feel about where we are now and what we want to do with what we have as opposed to what we haven’t. And of course, individuals make different choices, don’t they?

Meanwhile I think this stage makes it much easier to see if our MLC spouse hasn’t really evolved much at all....or if what we see is pretty much what is on the table for the moment.
And that the BS and chaos of the past, including ow/om, means much less of significance than we felt earlier on and seems to make surprisingly little difference to someone else’s MLCness  and really truly had very little to do with us.
I think most of us get stuck for a while in a belief that MLCers will get ‘better’.....it’s a rather interesting stage when we lay that belief down and say idk, and consider what we choose to do next about our own lives regardless and how much or how little we want to accept what they are currently offering or find it useful to us or not.

[MadLuv]

Thank you for your update Didot. I wish it was surprising that hoping for change and effort on your MLCer or any MLCer is never a winning bet. I definitely have learned they are in this place for lack of courage to face themselves and it takes a lot of work to begin that process. That either takes a very long time in years or in forever.  He does obviously know somewhere that he is lucky to have you in his life, but our question always is how lucky are we to have them? They have so little to offer.

[xyzcf]

Nice to hear from you. I am sorry for all your losses. Every time I hear someone say "Covid is just a cold" I just shake my head. 

Congratulations on getting your Master's of Library Science and that you have a job that you are enjoying.

I also went back to therapy around 8 years BD, I felt stuck and wasn't able to feel "joy". I was talking to a friend the other day, that I too am at an age where I have to readjust to this time of life, Eric Erickson's stages of development state:

"

Ego integrity versus despair

is the eighth and final stage of Erik Erikson’s stage theory of psychosocial development. This stage begins at approximately age 65 and ends at death. It is during this time that we contemplate our accomplishments and can develop integrity if we see ourselves as leading a successful life."

I have some health issues that have creeped into my life that surprise me as I have always been "healthy" and I know that time is passing and is to be lived deeply and fully.

That was hard to do when in the throes of the rollercoaster we all rode for quite some time.

My husband is "similar" in how you describe yours and I am close to another LBSer whose husband is also similar. The choice is ours to have contact or not. His connection to me doesn't impede my life, so many years on my own, I have volunteer activities, several groups, a house to take care of, traveling and now and then, time with him which is good for our family and which I enjoy.

Like your husband mine also:

 

He seems to like living alone.

Mermaid used to discuss anhedonia in relation to MLC, the inability to feel pleasure. I don't see Mr. xyzcf ever showing any excitement in life...he seems content but they do not really tell us much so it's hard to know.

I find it interesting the things he does confide in me...he still trusts me very much.

I think after that I need to devote far less energy to him, and focus on myself.

Indeed.....we have no idea what lies ahead for us, so explore your passions and interests and live life with a capital L.(or as Mr. xyzcf once commented, that I lived my life with an exclamation mark!)

Thanks for your update. It is always good to hear from people who have walked this journey. Take good care of yourself!

[FaithWalker]

Just getting caught up Didot after a small time away.  Glad to see an update from you.  I'm so sorry for the losses you have sustained.  Congrats on the Masters degree.  Wow!

I hope you are ready to really start focusing on you even more!  Hopefully the trip went well and you have been able to do your focus shift!

[Didot49]

Thanks UM for your insightful comments and hilarious memes; they always make me laugh. Thanks also to Faithwalker, Madluv, xyzcf and Treasur, it’s always great hear from others walking this same journey and to hear their perspective. Thanks for your concern about all the loss in our family. It’s been especially tough on our eldest daughter. She doesn’t have any friends, so the number of people close to her is dwindling. H though seems to be coping well with grief, and dare I say it developing some resiliency.

H continues to move through the tunnel. I thought he was stuck for the longest time, but there’s definitely movement. Even our daughters have commented on the shift in him.

The changes I noticed are:
1. Seems less selfish overall. Has taken an interest in the mental well-being of our eldest. She’s been struggling for years as she’s on the spectrum and has severe depression. Until recently he had been very avoidant with her, and unsympathetic. Now he’s having trouble sleeping because he’s so worried about her.

2. Shows affection for me in front of others. We went to a Foreigner concert last night with friends. He put his arm around me during a love song and gave me a kiss on the head, also held my hand. This is something he hasn’t done in years.

3. Referred to a night out with me as a date!

4. Told me casually that I could sleep at his house if I wanted. I decided to say no as our daughter was at his house, and it would have seemed weird if she returned to our house and I didn’t (she lives with me).

5. It feels childish saying this but he hasn’t used the kissing emoji since 2015. He’s back to using it.

6. He went to the UK for a month to spend time with his family in June. Before he left he said he loved me, without me saying it. While he was gone he said he missed me. This has not happened in years and years.

7. He got a new dog, but chose it with me and wanted to hear my opinion on it.


He still hasn’t discussed his affair with me. Everything I know, I found out myself. He said recently that he’s read that it’s best not to discuss it. He’s conveniently forgotten that the advice from our marriage helper course was that it was unfair on the lbs not discuss it. I feel that it needs to be talked about, so it can be laid to rest. I don’t want to keep dredging this up, but I have questions. I’m not a fan of sweeping things under the carpet. Maybe I’m wrong, should it be ignored?

Our trip to Hawaii with his sister and our eldest went well. However, I had told my therapist that it was going to be my last trip like that. We were in separate rooms, and as much as I get on with my SIL, I would really like to go away with just him. He keeps planning trips with his sister, as he now feels like he has to look after her. It’s lovely that he’s being so supportive of her since her husband passed away, but I pointed out to him that I lost my husband too, only mine chose to leave.

I’m going on a women's trip to Egypt in October, and it seems ironic that his sister now has him as her traveling companion while I’m going away with groups of strangers. She has drawn parallels with our situations. She told me that she admired how I had built a new life for myself, and she knew she had to do the same. Having said that it probably would be better for her if we don’t reconcile. She has told me quite a few times that she’s told H that he needs to go on vacation with me, as in just the two of us. I brought up that she has said that, and he admitted that he doesn’t ever recall her saying that.

He’s taken her on a few trips in the last couple of years, Norway, France, Monaco. She also keeps on trying to persuade him to go to the UK for a couple of months at a time. He’s going back in November and has said they will go on vacation together again. I’m sounding horribly unsympathetic, but I feel like she will eventually have to find her own way. She has tons of friends, and another brother, so does have lots of other support. I’m already planning another vacation by myself next year. I got a little frustrated when H announced that he and his sister were going to Florida and I was welcome to come along. I told him that I’d give it a miss, which seemed to shock him.

Am I being unreasonable?

[Treasur]

I don’t think so, from what you post - I simply think you are saying that what your h can/will currently offer in the relationship you have with him is not sufficient for you. The fact that he is prioritising your SiL is almost irrelevant…(and it is quite textbook for MLCers trying to find their feet again to connect with other family members before us, of course, plus there might be a weird kind of projection about him ‘looking after’ a woman left without a husband and maybe also tied up with his own sense of loss     )…...it’s that he is not prioritising you in the way you want. And that’s ok to feel and act on accordingly.

I’m not sure how you describe the relationship you currently have with him now….is it a kind of friendship or something else? Or actively trying to reconcile? Idk……or if you are even wanting a marital reconciliation now. But it’s reasonable I think in life to assess what we are getting (and giving) to any kind of relationship at a given point and decide for ourselves what works for us and what doesn’t.

[KayDee]

Thank you so much for coming back and sharing Didot. Gosh, 8 years, perhaps you should be canonized (maybe we all should  ). I had a couple of immediate thoughts about your two questions.

  I feel that it needs to be talked about, so it can be laid to rest. I don’t want to keep dredging this up, but I have questions. I’m not a fan of sweeping things under the carpet. Maybe I’m wrong, should it be ignored?

I personally don't think it unreasonable at all, I guess I would ask, is now the right time? You know it happened, he knows it happened and hopefully it is in the past. But it does seem like you are in the slowly reconnecting phase and perhaps this particular issue can wait for times when you are both on more solid ground.

Regarding his relationship with his sister -

   Am I being unreasonable?

Is it possible this is still part of some form of avoidance? In your last update you said he couldn't commit to work on the marriage because he had to deal with being retired (or something like that) - in other words, he put up a barrier. Now he has his role of looking out for his sister, and this is clearly creating another barrier. Of course, it is fantastic that he is looking after her, it must be such a help to her, but he can do both - reconnect/rebuild with you AND support her. It's not an either or. Perhaps for now, you could keep doing what you are doing, living your life, enjoying your friends and family, and hope he takes the next step towards a deeper commitment. Sounds like he's not quite there yet. Personally, I would avoid assigning this issue to the sister. She is likely vulnerable and will need eassuring support from someone she trusts at the moment. She will find her way forward, but it is early days in her grieving process.

I hope he continues to inch his way forward to catch up with the new you 

[MadLuv]

Hello! I also want to add that the sister being his “sister” is a safe person to connect with and travel with. She has her own struggles right now, so she probably isn’t asking him a ton of questions on his life and choices. As far as always also having her with you. That probably also feels safe to him. He doesn’t have to carry the conversation. I know my XH travels with his now W  and one or both her adult D’a are always going as well. Very odd for a new marriage, but they distract her from him having to carry the conversation and entertain her. That could be the same with your H. He feels safer having that 3rd person right now from his own insecurities.