[Treasur]

Some of us are religious, some not, some are unsure or believe in something different.
But I think all of us reach a point where we learn to trust that inner small intuitive voice that says no, or enough or this is what I want to do, irrespective of where we think the voice comes from.
Hard to hear it initially when we are reeling in shock, but as we let go and focus on ourselves, it gets easier to hear I think. And to trust our gut regardless of what anyone else is doing or thinks we should do.
Some of HBs advice and perspective is useful particularly if you are standing, but of course she is just one person and informed by her own experience. To be fair, I don't think her or RCR have ever claimed to be more than that.

[Anjae]

The voice will show when we are ready. Or, like you said, it may always had been there, buried under the shock of BD. Each of us will know when it is right to decide this or that. And to do things when it feels right.

I find lots of HB advice quite useful, including her view on forgiveness - for her, it comes in layers, not at once. https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/forgiveness-has-many-layers-an-explanation/

Even if I disagree, or have troubles with some of the things HB writes, I find her articles interesting. She has been adjusting them over time, making them more realistic and is aware, even says so, that there may not be a reconciliation and that both LBS and MLCer may not like the new person both have become.

I replace God with the Universe.

[OldPilot]

I replace God with the Universe.

I like to replace it with science, as most things in this process can be explained in those terms.

Point being it does not have to read as a religious idea.

[Anjae]

I like to replace it with science, as most things in this process can be explained in those terms.

Point being it does not have to read as a religious idea.

I use science for MLC (MLC has nothing to do with religion). But not for a replacement of God, like when HB is talking about God I think Universe instead.

[Treasur]

Maybe it would be interesting if RCR was up for it to add some articles written by old timers on the key issues, behaviours and ways to cope with them....a way to expand the perspective and knowledge? And there are some fine writers here with plenty of experience!

[Never say never]

OMG ... what 1t posted regarding UM's mom's view from a psychological viewpoint ... spot on ... spot on ... spot on.

I am tempted to screenshot the whole post and send it to my husband.  From the very first sentence to the last, I am just shaking my head in agreement.  And you know what?  I don't care who your higher power is ... it could be the grass on the ground ... but when you finally accept that higher power and embrace it, things will fall into place.

And instead of wasting so many precious years trying to fix what our spouses are/were missing, I wish every newbie could just understand that really, there is nothing you can do to speed up the process.  Until our spouses figure out what is missing within them, we are just wasting precious time working on our own happiness. 

UM, what an absolute genius your mom is.  I will read and reread that post.  Thank you.

As for the articles, I found HB's articles to really help me in my time of need.  Perhaps they need updating ... perhaps not ... it's all what the individual takes from it and what works for each of us.  Take what you need ... leave the rest behind.  The very first book I bought when my husband's MLC started was "Men in Midlife Crisis" by Jim Conway.  Way back then, I took my highlighter out, started reading fervently and could only check off some of the symptoms.

I thought:  "My, God, my husband would never be nasty to me.  He may be distant, but there is NO WAY he is cheating on me.  He's just going through some mild mid-life crisis."  Hahahahaha.  Little did I know what was to come.

I then bought another book:  "My husband's affair was the best thing that could happen to me."  I read that book over and over.  Of course, her husband probably was just having an affair or a MLT.  I thought it was good, but I would never say this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to stand if you want to stand and move forward in your journey without standing in place.  If this crisis is any less than, I'd say, four years, it's bound to resurface sometime down the road.  I know you can't put a number on it, but it took our spouses a long, long time to burst at their seams from whatever was demonizing them ... it's going to take a long, long time to restructure their brain to come out of this. 

I also would say, and this is just from my own experience, our spouses will have to find their higher power to get through this.  They cannot do it on their own.  I am hesitant to talk too much because my husband is not even home yet.  Who am I to say he is through his MLC?  I can say that I have never seen someone work so hard to better himself.  But remember, my husband also has another demon to deal with ... alcohol. 

I know ... off topic ... but I am very scared because I am seeing a pattern in my husband once again.  He has only been at sober living four months and is trying to save everyone else.  It's like he is avoiding his own issues and feels better helping others with theirs.  How can I get through to him?  I can't.  As I said on my own thread ... I have learned that no one can complete me but myself.  It took a l-o-n-g time to get there, but I can finally say I'm happy ... in a very different, grown-up sort of way.

I hope I am making some sense.  I tend to ramble, don't read through my posts before hitting the "post" button, and my brain tends to go in all different directions.  Hey, I'm a work in progress, too

[Thunder]

Your ramblings made perfect sense, Never.   

[Songanddance]

He has only been at sober living four months and is trying to save everyone else.  It's like he is avoiding his own issues and feels better helping others with theirs.

Isn't this though a normal thing to do?  I have noticed that some people who are dealing with a serious issue do help others and sort of put themselves into denial.  It's sometimes a way of coping with their own issues and it's also a way of trying to be "strong" and receive validation that the alcohol, drugs, etc... used to give them.

I'm explaining it badly I know but consider what happens on this forum.  LBSers post (hopefully soon after BD) and within a few months feel strong enough to advise and help others because it makes them feel better because they are learning too.  The denial bit is where they might receive advice which they don't want to hear or consider - not yet anyway.

Time time time Never (I hear you yawning and rolling your eyes!) 

4 months sober is progress and helping others may be what he needs to do to help him have the inner strength to make it to 5, 6 10 months etc.....

[Thunder]

I'm not sure how AA does things. 

It may be that they feel by him mentoring others he will give advice that is also good for him...and possibly confidence building.  I sure don't know but I would think if the counselors saw it as detrimental to his recovery they would say something.  Wouldn't you think?  They've had to have seen it all by now.

[Moving Forward]

Hello again all my fellow LBS's!!
I am not sure why I found my way back to the Forum after such a long time away. I think my recent rumination of the last 9 years, I am seeing Voyager soon for lunch and my thoughts were filled of everyone here.....so I thought I'd check in :-)

My life chugs along as ever. My children are now grown and loving their lives. They work hard and have a great circle of friends. Neither of them see their Dad too regularly, (he continues to be controlling of them and their time which they're really uncomfortable with it). My daughter is in her final year of school with no real idea what to do next. My son has taken a bit of time out to travel and is currently working in  a bar until he decides what he'd like to do next.

My exH remains married to the OW (although my daughter maintains he isn't happy and she looks sad a lot of the time), he is still running like the wind, still with the shark eyes and "me me me" outlook on his life. My daughter has remarked a few times how weird it's been as a few times it has been her  "old Dad" who was talking to her one without a waxy look and seemed genuinely animated and caring and who talked with a different tone of voice. She has had counselling to help her cope with her dad leaving and seems to have a pragmatic approach to her life and emotional well-being.

Whilst I have rebuilt my life from the inside out my exH still seems to be searching for something. I rarely seem him and for this I am grateful. I no longer stand for my marriage but I hope one day he will be someone I can have in my life in a healthy way but right now it simply isn't an option his energy is still spiky and sly and I still don't trust him.

I have had a little mooch on here to check in and it seems so many of the lovely people I knew from years ago are living great lives and turning their despair and devastation into hope and healing.

I read some LBS's posts and can recognise the same cycle of LBS's resisting change and striving to maintain a grip on their old lives despite them being no longer healthy. The same old arguments rolling around and around. AS the saying goes "resistance is futile" and my biggest healing came when I let go of the outcome of my journey and found the joy every day; living a life my future self would benefit from.

It's been wonderful to read of the reconciliations and the rebuilding of marriages and relationships which have been so bravely shared on this Forum.

I am so truly grateful to this site and the sharing of everyone here - without it I know I would be a shadow of who I am now. I don't have a man in my life and yet I am open to the possibility should someone walk into my life.


I am in the throes of planning my retirement in 3 years time and have realised that I am truly blessed to be able to be making proactive choices from a position of love rather than bitterness and it is partly as a direct result of this Forum that I am able to do so.

I will have a little scout around and catch up with everyone.

Big hugs and love to everyone who remembers me x