[Mitzpah]

Loved OSB's post (as always! ).

I so agree with what she posted

The strength we find post-BD doesn’t mean our M’s were holding us back in some way. It is the strength anyone with a healthy core pulls up to deal with a crisis—when a child is seriously ill, when we face our own serious illness, when natural disaster strikes our homes. We have to get strong; the other choice is to wither or die.

And we don’t change in order to fix our M’s. How can we when we don’t have a clue what the problem is? The MLCer doesn’t understand what is “wrong” either & typically gives absurd explanations for walking out the door: (recalling some of the greatest hits here) The dog is too fat. Your ironing board takes up too much space. You support health care reform. “Undervalued by the universe”—OSB’s eloquent way of defining the crisis that gets expressed as “I am so unhappy in this M” …& with the dog, the household furnishings, your political views, etc, etc.

This!!!!

Thank you for pointing out why we change 

[osb]

No MLC blaming either, sad part of our prosperous world reality.

FWIW, don't think MLC's just a 'prosperous world' or 'first world' problem...

My uncle had what i now recognize was MLC, years ago in the old country. He retired young, lost the position and perks that went with that job, reacted badly, and flung himself into an intense religiosity, fasting and austerities, and then went to live at a hermitage. Then another hermitage. He'd reappear into my aunt's life only long enough to mess up her plans, then go off to meditate on yet another riverbank cuz the last one was so bourgeois he couldn't stand it, they didn't fast long enough...   My aunt lived in the city, and managed.  Coped. Divorce is unthinkable in that society. Years later, his body having violently objected to hermitages, penance, bad water and old age, my uncle came home and they're back together. My aunt had always been my favorite, an oasis of sweetness, calm and determination... I didn't know then that you have to walk through fire to achieve that demeanor... we spent a lot of time talking, after my own H tried to run away. Uncle still tentatively lurks in his wife's life like he's unsure of his welcome with the more judgmental relatives, but somehow he communicates that loves her. And loves me, for my lack of judgement. And still clings to ritual like it provides structure to his once-shattered, reassembled self. And so it does.

There are so many ways to conceal an existential crisis, and so many 'socially justifiable' ways to run. This might be why so many people dismiss MLC as an entity, though. I don't think MLC is affluenza. It's a disorder of the mind; depression, in some cases. Not a product of world or time. We have always been this easy to break.

[The lighthouse]

Beautiful post osb!  Thank you...

[Anjae]

Perhaps slower to trust?

I am far more trusting of people and the Universe, and faster, since BD than I ever was. But it may only have to do with being older.

But that's our own growth spurt, not an effort to fix ourselves to lure a wayward spouse back, or to change the circumstances that precipitated their exit... that's crazy talk, they left because of their own issues and not ours, and they'll come back when they fix their issues, if we haven't outgrown them by then.

This 100 times.

A crisis that includes hermitages and fasting is much easier to deal with than one that includes OW, spending, spending, spending, etc. At least I think it is. And people will see that sort of crisis as a crisis. Or, at least, as someone has become a little strange.

I don't think MLC is affluenza. It's a disorder of the mind; depression, in some cases. Not a product of world or time. We have always been this easy to break.

So far, I have never meet anyone that couldn't afford  to have a MLC, so, I think it has something to do with money. That it is depression I have no doubt. Not that it has happened a lot in the past, The Odyssey is a MLC journey and it is set in the 12th century BC. So is Dant'e Divine Comedy, from the 14th Century.

We're easy to break, but modern life breaks us more. Depression had been on the rise and will keep being. People have everything, but are never satisfied. There is a difference from past decades/centuries. In the Western World, and other parts of the World if one has money, people have too much (I am not talking about millionaires/billionaires). In the past, only a few had too much, some had enough. Most had less than enough. They led a life of sleep (often) barely, work, and a festive day here and there.

As for run, humans can run without going anywhere and have often done so. Drinking, drugs, sex, war, etc. Run/escape alone does not equal MLC. Like not all affairs are MLC affairs. 

[osb]

A crisis that includes hermitages and fasting is much easier to deal with than one that includes OW, spending, spending, spending, etc. At least I think it is. And people will see that sort of crisis as a crisis. Or, at least, as someone has become a little strange.

Oops, did I not mention the spending, spending, spending?    You'd think an ascetic would have short arms and deep pockets... but no, my uncle threw all his money at real estate adjacent to his hermitages ('Everyone will want this! Gonna make a killing!'), and dropped each of them for a pittance as the enthu fizzled. One of his Potemkin hermitages actually had wifi and livestreaming (a monk-cam! I kid you not!! ).  No affairs, admittedly; he was too busy trying to achieve some kind of world record in asceticism, and actually became rather repellent.

Nobody saw it as a crisis. Everyone either told my aunt, "He's trying to be a good man, why don't you just quit your job, move to the village and go meditate with him?" (...um, nope), or decided he was a self-righteous cuss and always had been (far from it, but people remember what's easiest to make sense of).  I see MLC replay written all over it, but then, I have the advantage of our conversations here; and my H made some of the same moves (albeit in a very different context).

The utter absurdity of MLC should give it away. But seems like the LBS is the only one who sees it (and for us, it's not so funny).

[Tyks]

An MLC-er feels overlooked and undervalued by the universe, not just by their partner 

If this is the case then why do they shack up with the ow or om and create their new life that way? Makes no sense to me and I am not sure that it ever will

[Mitzpah]

An MLC-er feels overlooked and undervalued by the universe, not just by their partner 

If this is the case then why do they shack up with the ow or om and create their new life that way? Makes no sense to me and I am not sure that it ever will

Because the ow or om are right there... and anything 'new' or 'different' must be better than the lbs who is part of the life that they are rejecting

[Treasur]

Because they don't have to face you or take responsibility for what they have done. Because a new person only knows the person they present themselves as being now - and likes it when we don't. Because it is part of running and legitimises their choice. Because it is more fun to nod easier to start over.

[Anjae]

Oh mine, spending even in hermitage and throw all his money at real estate adjacent to his hermitages? MLC. 

One of his Potemkin hermitages actually had wifi and livestreaming (a monk-cam! I kid you not!! )

That is not a hermitage, it is luxury!  A monk-cam, your uncle is (was) something.  Think he wins the prize for the most peculiar MLC. 

When I wrote everyone, I was thinking here. If someone married here were to do that, people would find it very strange and think crisis. Probably more emotional/identity/life crisis than MLC.

I see MLC replay written all over it, but then, I have the advantage of our conversations here

That is a way to see it. But, at least, I think he was truly trying to find himself or to find some meaning/purpose. I may be wrong, of course. It is hard to see(think the same with most MLCer and their crazy MLC choices that tend to be opposite of your uncle's one. Hermitage and meditation is not their usual choice of Replay.

The utter absurdity of MLC should give it away. But seems like the LBS is the only one who sees it (and for us, it's not so funny).

It really is strange how the LBS seems to be the only person that sees how odd it all is.

An MLC-er feels overlooked and undervalued by the universe, not just by their partner 

If this is the case then why do they shack up with the ow or om and create their new life that way? Makes no sense to me and I am not sure that it ever will

Because, usually, OW/OM values, praises and adores the MLCer no matter how crazy the MCLer actions. At least at first. Also, OW/OM were not part of the MLCer normal pre MLC Universe. Or normally they were not.

Because a new person only knows the person they present themselves as being now - and likes it when we don't.

This as well

[stayed]

There are so many ways to conceal an existential crisis, and so many 'socially justifiable' ways to run. This might be why so many people dismiss MLC as an entity, though. I don't think MLC is affluenza. It's a disorder of the mind; depression, in some cases. Not a product of world or time. We have always been this easy to break.

Good thought!  People are really very fragile... or at least many seem to be...