[TopsyTurvy]

I'm a kind of young 'old-timer' 5 years on Saturday since he walked out.  (5.3 since BD)

When I was 1 year in, I met a 3yr in LBS, I was surprised that she was still feeling so horrible....until I got to 3 years and I felt the same.  At this point she was 5 years in and getting to a better place, although not completely detached.  I am now at 5 years, (she is at 7+ years and from this site, I know she is doing well.)  How do I feel.... sometimes difficult to put into words.  Memories, I avoid thinking about them.  A wise LBS 2 yrs behind me tells me that I shouldn't avoid them, but something 'stops' me from going there in my head.  I remember what he looks like, I remember we had 17 fantastic years together, I guess I don't want to be reminded of what I no longer have (with him).  I haven't spoken with him f2f in almost 3 years, telephone call in over 2 years and a text in June 2017 post the divorce which I initiated.  I belong on the Vanisher thread

I have so much more to be very grateful for, and I am.  I have my health (fingers crossed), my family, fabulous friends here and in RL.  Some of this I would not have had if I hadn't experienced his MLC.  And just like Learning....

I have reached a place in my life that I am grateful for all the things I have learned from this heartache. I am grateful for all the new friends I have made here on HS and in real life. I am grateful for all of the wonderful adventures I have had that would never have taken place if not for MLC. It is surely not a path I would have chosen, but I have learned to roll with the punches and find my Silver Linings.   

We heal at different times and that's ok.  What works for one doesn't work for another, whatever the outcome we are stronger than we think and we will be ok.

[serenity]

Good to see you posting Topsy,

and glad to hear you’re doing ok. I’m over 7 years now and I think in a way you just learn to accept your own reality. We build new lives and start on a new direction in life. Not where any of us expected to be but it’s mostly all good and we all seem to end up just being ok.

My H has always been a boomerang and at times clinging. This year we have all noticed changes in him, improvements if you like but it’s all very slow. I just hope he makes it through to the end of his journey.

Hugs

X

[LearningIamOk]

I feel posters need to be open to hear all sides of a discussion. If someone feels "attacked" then the responses they received have hit a nerve. I feel that the "injured" poster should take a long, hard look inside themselves to see why the observation/comment/advice upset them. Let's face it, the truth hurts.

I never would have gotten my life back on track if it weren't for the 2x4's I was given when I needed them. It's easy to fall on the floor in a pity party wishing this never happened and remembering all the fabulous times you had as a married couple. When you are crippled by memories from moving forward and taking back your life, you need to make an effort to let go of the past.

Totally agree with this but unfortunately a fellow LBS from HS with whom I used to be in regular contact has severed all contact after telling me very adamantly that she does not want to bring her children up on her own, to which I told her and only meant it well, that she has to be realistic and any plans she makes for the foreseeable future should disclude her V as in his present state of mind he`s definitely not behaving like a F and it could take years for him to come out of his fog.

BTW, I`m probably an Oldtimer too, my ex CB, now V (living up the road with OW) MLC started in 2010 but it took me years (very slow learner) before finding out the very hard way that the advice given pn here from the Vets is invaluable and would  have faired a lot better if I hadn`t been so stubborn and thought my MLCer  was different and would come to his senses.

Loyal, I am sorry that the LBS you had made friends with has severed ties. As you can see here, we are all different and at different points in our journeys. You are at different point of healing than she is. You seem to be more like me. I like facing things head on. And, I completely agree with what you told her. She just isn't ready to accept it yet. Hopefully, she will get there. Don't be afraid to speak the truth to someone. You might be the only one they hear it from.

[Anjae]

Hi Topsy, thanks for posting and for contributing. 

[stayed]

Don't be afraid to speak the truth to someone. You might be the only one they hear it from.

I so, so agree with this... always speak your truth Loyal.. it may not be what they want to hear, in fact, it probably is not what they want to hear but "kitty footing around", trying to not hurt their feelings simply is not the right thing to do.  Her partner may OR may not come out of his/her crisis..... the LBS has to be readied to accept the worst possible case scenario. 

Well said... hugs Stayed

[Loyal]

Thanks Stayed, it`s sad that she took it so personally but I don`t bear her any grudges, which is probably due to doing a lot of mirror work and working on myself in the past few months, which is one of the posititive things that all of us LBSers get around to doing at some stage during the MLC Horror Trip that none of us wants to be on.

[trusting]

And trusting, I always look for your posts, I know how long this has been for you.  It is heartening to hear that things may be changing for the better!  I still have no idea if my H will make it through, but every now and again I become aware that perhaps his rosy new life isn't so rosy.

I think of you often x

So I am bringing this quote from BBhelp's thread here since I didn't want to hijack and wanted to respond more to T&L and to make a couple comments.  So it has been 10 years since right around exactly this time when I really began to see the major MLC changes in my MLCer - the weight loss, obsession with appearance, complete inability to handle money like an adult, drastic pulling away from family and the anger and the blame and the monster (and no doubt an affair).  MLC behavior went on for years and years.

The changes in him these days are remarkable.  He is not "crazy" anymore.  I may have said this before, but I do think he is pretty well out of his crisis.  He is so much like the man I knew.  I see big efforts to establish relationships with the kids again.  My daughter once again seems to have daddy wrapped around her little finger - after almost a decade of no daddy to speak of (though I would say reconnection has been happening gradually the past couple of years with a big push forward in the past 3-4 months).  It really is amazing to me, as it seemed like it would never happen.  His relationship with me is comfortable.  No more anger, never monster, even kind - still not my husband, but I would say a friend.   

MLC sure takes time.  And no, I'm still not a fan of "the gift of time." 

T&L, I was beginning to think he wouldn't make it through either after so much time.  But now I think he is emerging.  I don't think there is ever no hope.  Hugs.

[xyzcf]

Trust the process trusting.

Praying for your "suddenly".

[Anjae]

Thank you for posting, trusting.

Sometimes there is no hope. Ursa'a FIL died a MLCer, some 30 years after his crisis started. He never come out of it.

But I think, and always thought, most MLCers come out of crisis. I have also always thought most marriages will not reconcile. MLC takes too long and most LBS move on, with someone else or alone.

It is confusing to me how, after ten years, you and your husband manage to get back together and things still work fine. Everyone changes in ten years. In ten years LBS and MLCer would have changed a lot and they are no longer who they used to me.

Can you elaborate? Even if he would fully come out of crisis tomorrow, Mr J would be a stranger to me. His pre-MLC self is not up to date with current me.

[trusting]

Thanks, XYZ.  Speaking of "trusting the process," for anyone interested, I recently saw DGU and was able to catch up with him.  He used to remind us to trust the process all the time.

Anjae, it is kind of hard to explain.  There are times when my MLCer is around that it truly feels like no time has passed - you know, like when you see a good friend you haven't seen for a very long time but are able to pick up right where you left off.  Of course, then I do remember the years in between and the pain and that he isn't really my husband either right now.  Yes, we both have changed over 10 years but the core is still the same.  Of course, my MLCer has always not been far.  And I really don't know what will happen in the future.