[in it]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7305.150

Link to previous thread above


Found Online:

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The No Contact Rule is simplicity itself: it merely means not having any communication with your former romantic partner, for a specified period of time.


Read the entire article here: https://pairedlife.com/breakups/no-contact-rule-after-breakup

RCR Note: Please be considerate of copyright and do not paste entire articles from other sources. I feel it is important that we look outside of my own articles and the forum, but writers need credit for their work and you need to be respectful of this. Post an excerpt and then a link. I received an official notice regarding this particular article which is why my comment is here and not on others--as I am not able to go around looking for articles that should not be pasted in full.

[Thunder]

Attaching InIt...

[Anjae]

Of course, if you and your ex-partner have children together, then you will inevitably need to discuss issues such as welfare and access. While this type of dialogue is unavoidable, you should do your very best to keep these interactions to a bare minimum.

If MLCer and LBS have a business some contact will also be necessary.


And not all LBS need or want No Contact, but they may go Dark or Dim.

[in it]

I have stated before this thread isn't for everyone. If you have had someone abuse you even verbally IMHO it is totally necessary to do this . If you don't cut the contact and continue to allow them access to you what kind of message are you sending?

That the abuse is ok? Sure I'll still talk to you even though you see nothing wrong with what you said or did?

You are having sex or living with someone else while being married or in a committed relationship? Sure we can still talk. Where does that get anybody?

Minor children involved I understand that still has to be dealt with. I have little to no experience with that. Nor being in business with an Mlcer.

In some cases it's the only way to end the crazy making these people seem to be into. It's a last ditch effort to end the drama and find the peace and strength within yourself . No contact is for you so you can heal get your balance and perspective back.

[Anjae]

In It, don't preach to the choir. I have a MLCer that was physically abusive.

I was only saying that having a business with the MLCer requires dialogue/communication. And that not everyone needs no contact.

Lots of LBS on HS still have daily contact with their MLCer that lives with OW/OM. Some even allow the MLCer to come by the home.

RCR had contact with her husband almost all the type he was away - there was a brief period of No Contact. He came and went some 8 times.

So, I think for some, and that is certainly true for those that have reconcilled, keep contact with the MLCer even if there is OW/OM is/was relevant.

Several here want to reconcile and don't have violent MLCers.

Sure, No Contact helps a lot with cutting the drama and the crazy. But not everyone has the type of drama or the violence you and did. 

[in it]

Anjae if this thread upsets you then don't read it.

I'm glad you found some way to communicate with someone who has been physically abusive to you.I wasn't trying to preach to any choir in answering you.I know you went through that too.
Its an option for some of us maybe not all.There is no real solution in my situation.Its over with done.Nothing I will ever tolerate or put up with again.

It was the only way I can feel safe and regain my sanity.
It has been said on here take whatever may apply or work and try that.

I'm not saying the way I had to do it would work for everybody.Its simply an option.

[Treasur]

It's a very personal decision, but one we each instinctively make if we get to the point of survival or sanity I think.
I had short periods of NC (on the rare occasions when he wanted it LOL) during the divorce process because the mindf**kery and drama was futile and making me run out of steam to the point of being suicidal.
and my current and permanent 'NC even possible' (changed all my details and xh/ow don't know where i live now) was because there was simply no other way to stop the threats, insanity and abuse other than feeding the drama and my L's bank account by going to court. Easier and cheaper to just slam the door shut and run as we have no children, the divorce is done and there is no possibility of reconciliation now that he is married or benefit to me in any contact at all.

But it also means giving up hope of even an apology let alone any kind of shared closure or reconnection, and most of us find that a tough decision to make.
it's so easy when we are trying to navigate through this to believe that 'paving the way' means leaving some kind of contact door half-open, so if any of us choose NC, it is normally because we really feel we must for our own wellbeing and safety.

[Thunder]

I agree, NC can be the best thing if your spouse is abusive...in any way.  It's the only way to stop abusers.

I also agree variations of contact may be better for LBS spouses who are not abusive.  Mine never was so there was no reason to go NC.

I guess a person has to look at their own situation with clarity, honesty, not using emotions.  Decide if you are being emotionally or physically abused.  If you are, go NC and stop the drama, so you can heal.  Abuser's won't stop on their own.

I also think if you have kids together or a business together, there are still ways of using NC if you need it.
Keep all contact short, to the point and only about the kids or work.  Nothing else.  If contact is about anything else, ignore it.  Let them know you want no contact with them unless it is important, or an emergency. 
You can also co-parent without being a couple.  A lot of people do it.

[in it]

Yep that's for sure Treasur that's what it came down to..survival and sanity..and the reality is you don't get closure with a narcissist. There won't ever be an apology. Even if you did you really couldn't believe it was sincere. And acknowledging what happen for the ex in an apology would be admitting to a physical assault so you see I won't be getting one. So you have to be happy with the one you didn't get.

I guess people think it should be easy to walk away from a highly abusive relationship. It isn't. Once I realized I deserved better than that, there was no turning back for me.
I'm sure to this day I wouldn't be able to be civil to him even if he and I ever did speak. Sick of the drama and bullsh!t.

Yep sometimes you gotta slam that door nail that sucker shut and burn the bridge so the crazies don't follow you.
I live 1100 miles away from where the ex is. My proximity was just too close. Wasn't my plan. But for the most part it was the only way I might be able to gain some more strength have some peace and feel safe. I sort of started to trigger too easily where I was living

.I didn't even want to go for a walk for fear of being seen. That's no way to live. And I'd lived there just about my whole life. I know just about everyone there..my friends and what family I have is in that area..it was like I got passed a lot of it then  I'd back slide.It was hampering my healing.

So after I met this man(we had been communicating for months before we met) I took care of what I needed to at my house (had a roof put on and took care of some loose ends) about 2 months later threw some clothes in the car( along with my cat) transferred my job and left.Made the trip in three days.

So my decision to live where I am was based in part on removing myself physically from the area and some of the bad memories.But also after meeting a wonderful man. I thought to myself I can sit here where I was and wonder what I may have passed on or take a chance that this relationship would be different. So far it's working for both of us.

My bigger challenge will be going back ....ugh

[Shining Star]

For me, I chose NC 3 years after BD - after he admitted that he had been in a long term affair, loved the woman, and was sharing his life with her.  His divorce was in its final stages, and there was nothing left for me to do to save the marriage.  It was at this time, that I decided that the ONLY way I would ever heal was to be 100% away from him.  To be honest, it hasn't been difficult not picking up the phone.  I have had moments, but not the yearning I would have expected.  The grief associated with the end of the marriage and the betrayal has been brutal, but I haven't wanted to reach out to him for support.  It also doesn't bother me that he thinks I am "punishing" him.  Actually, that tells me that the world still revolves around him and he has no empathy for what I have had to deal with.  When I think about seeing him, I can't think of one item that we could discuss.  He doesn't tell the truth and I don't want to hear about her, so what would we talk about.  I have my own separate relationship with the adult kids, so no need to discuss them.  I just picture us staring at each other, so No Thank you, I am done.

That all said - if a miracle happened and he did some self development - I would be first in line to see him.....