[How do your MLCers explain themselves? Check all that apply]

How do your MLCers explain themselves? Check all that apply

I love you but I’m not in love with you.

I'm unhappy and I have to figure out why

I need space

I'm numb, I don't feel anything

It is my time to be selfish.

I need to know if I'm going to miss you

I don't even know why I married you.

We have nothing in common.

You are so controlling.

You were so cold to me.

[arp1]

Well I've heard three or four of the OP list, though the ILYBINILWY was slightly different: "I love you but I can't feel it."

I've also had:

"It's my time."
"I want to have fun, be a party girl again."
"Is this all there is?"
"I was deluding myself we were in the same relationship."

[ece711]

They say the same things...  why?  It's because there are only a few ways of "BREAKING UP" with us.  If you search the internet or ask your friends and relatives on the common phrases that are used to break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend you'll find it very similar to the phrases that they use.

Our relationship as we know it is gone it has to be rebuilt from the ground up, so we need to get to the "Acceptance" stage.  If you VIEW these as SCRIPTS, you're still not quite there if you just accept these phrases as them breaking up with us then you know you are accepting this situation. From there we could start the rebuilding process of ourselves then the relationship.

[Mermaid]

They say the same things...  why?  It's because there are only a few ways of "BREAKING UP" with us.  If you search the internet or ask your friends and relatives on the common phrases that are used to break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend you'll find it very similar to the phrases that they use.

Well, not really. A quick search found:
 

Our relationship is not working out; Our relationship is on the rocks; I am not happy in the relationship; I feel like I need more space to myself; The relationship is not what I hoped for; I can't go on like this; I cannot continue living this lie; I can't continue with our relationship; We can't be together anymore.

The sort of things our MLCers say are more confused, nebulous. They often sound more like the need for time out than a definate end. Confusion is probably the central characteristic of MLC, and it's different from ending a bad relationship.

If you VIEW these as SCRIPTS, you're still not quite there

Au contraire, mon ami, I think many of us have found that there's some comfort in the similarity of what they say to us. From this, we can accept and understand what is happening, and begin our own journey to wholeness.

We do need to know they may never come back, and need to decide if we will take them back. We also need to let them complete their journey, and to complete our own.

[ece711]

"We do need to know they may never come back"
So which statements the MLCers says indicates that they are coming back?  And which ones says they aren't? 

"and need to decide if we will take them back"
All the LBS have this from the get go we are in control of this statement.  It wouldn't matter what the MLCer tells us, you stand if you believe in Standing.  We all have a different degree of tolerance.  Eventually we have to distinguish whether we are just holding on to an abusive relationship or not.

[Mermaid]

"We do need to know they may never come back"
So which statements the MLCers says indicates that they are coming back?  And which ones says they aren't?

None of them. We don't know until they do. 

"and need to decide if we will take them back"
All the LBS have this from the get go we are in control of this statement.  It wouldn't matter what the MLCer tells us, you stand if you believe in Standing.  We all have a different degree of tolerance.  Eventually we have to distinguish whether we are just holding on to an abusive relationship or not.

This is true, but it doesn't always happen at first. Some come here having decided that they were done, and change their minds. Others are desparate for the return of their spouse, and at first would accept them back under any condition. As we have seen in the last year, this changes with time. Not only does our degree of tolerance differ, so does our capacity for forgiveness (and it depends what we have to forgive), and for rebuilding trust.

Edite for quote brackets

[covenantkeeper]

I heard all of those and then some. He also said:

He thought his life had been a waste of humanities time.
Everyone has wanted a piece of him and he's tired of providing for everyone.
He has to get rid of me so he can find out if it's MLC or not. (this is one of my "favorites")
I've been unhappy for a couple of years now.....
Losing feelings for you for 10 years.......
Not sure if I ever loved you.
I NEVER loved you!!
You disgust me!

But, my ALL TIME FAVORITE is this lame story he gave me:

He said 4 days BEFORE he proposed to me:

I overheard you tell someone you would kill me if I broke your heart, so I knew the only way I could be safe was to propose to you.....
then marry you....
sleep with you....
have 3 kids with you.....
stay married to you for over 33 years....

I said, "let me get this straight. Instead of being madly in love with me, you actually were scared to death and thought I was going to kill you? So instead of running far, far away from me, you married me?!"

His reply: YES.

This story was so good that every time he called the police on me, I shared it with them. It never failed to get a big laugh and they were instantly on my side. One even said, he must be in midlife crisis! 

[Mermaid]

Amazing what goes through their heads!