Laursecan has it correct:
I guess this is like a Rite of Passage.
MLC is done and over for you. It has been for some time.
I greatly appreciate all that you have written (for me and others).
I certainly understand that it is time for you to let go and move on.
It's funny. I never thought of myself as receiving "signs" or anything like that - yet - I thought that you would be or have already be leaving the board. I had a sense of that just the other day.
And this is going to happen to all of you, also, when it is your time; LG; get over your sense of aversion to the board; you are still within this crisis; and it is important that you dispense the knowledge you've gained from your own situation and help others with that knowledge.
Through the helping of others; all of you will heal in time; as time heals all wounds; and God(or the Higher Power, as some of you see Him), takes care of the rest...believe me, I know, I've been there.
I have been out of this trial for a period of time; I've survived TWO bouts of his crisis in the past 11 years; survived a transition of my own; learned so much from these events; and passed on everything I know to all of you.
I started getting some nagging feelings not long after my husband passed completely out of his second bout; but begged to continue for awhile longer...and actually put the leaving I KNEW I was supposed to do, on a back burner; which was wrong of me to do.
When the Lord doesn't get through one way; He will go another route; and the next step was allowing the symptoms of my Hyperthyroidism to really affect me; I got meds to block the physical symptoms; but, like I said, my gifts don't stop working just because I go down, so to speak; they continue to work; and I continued to use them; just like I always had.
He allowed me to hit the bottom of the well to the point that I could not function; not once but twice in a week's time; my last looking, so to speak, was the 15th of this month; and I was unable to do or say anything....I got immediate instructions both times to close the board; and get away from it.
I stayed gone until yesterday; when He directed me to come back and search for this thread that had my name on it....because there were questions; and people were worrying about me; He allowed me to answer once again....and it was the same a little while ago; He said it wasn't good to leave people hanging; although; I've done that for the past two weeks; disappeared with no explanation; He changed His mind, temporarily.
So, I came back to read this thread; and knew I could not get away with not answering certain posts and comments....yet, as I continue to type, the heaviness in my chest becomes worse; and I'm struggling with each word; typing as fast as I can, before becoming useless happens again.
You think I'm kidding or making excuses; I assure you, I am NOT doing either; when the Lord gives instruction; He means for it to be obeyed; not overridden; and though He's allowing me to type as fast as I can; the feelings of heavy stress within are increasing; as each word comes out.
He's not going to let up on me; although, He has said this is OK to do.
You see, when I left the other board so long ago; my memories were taken; and I obeyed Him instantly; I had no other choice; I could do nothing more.
This time; my memories are intact; but I must do the SAME thing as before; there is a good reason for what's happening to me; there always is.
I stayed for as long as I did for two reasons; one was because I was learning some more things from his two bouts of crisis; and the counsel I gave; gave me answers, too; if that makes sense. The other reason; was that I had committed myself to being here for as long as the Lord charged me to be.
Hanging in there with all of you has allowed me to watch the growth I saw happening within each and every one of you; and I guess I "mothered" quite a few of you at times; I never meant to be seen as a figure of authority; nor as someone any of you had to answer to.....the only accountability you have was and is to yourselves and God, if you were/are believers.
I never said I was always right; and there were many things that happened that I never foresaw ahead of time; and these upset me deeply when these unforeseen events happened.
I never said I was anyone special; that's for certain; the Lord, who is greater than I will ever be, brought me through all that I faced and finished.
I always tried to be loving, kind and patient; even as I swung some heavy two by fours at times...God knows that I had been hit with quite a few of them, when it was me.
On the other hand; for those who want to know; our relationship gets better as time goes on. My husband is still within a flux of change; and this is to be expected; considering he's not been out of his last and final bout of crisis but about 2 months or so...and change is still the order of the day for him, and me.
We will grow and change for the rest of our lives; that is a fact; there will be no more MLC bouts for either one of us; but change will always occur at key times in our lives.
Both of us have faced our demons and finished this trial; I've been out of my transition, just a little over two years or so; having faced everything within myself in one fell swoop; that is why it took me 6 years...I was just as damaged as the typical MLC'er who has a great many issues; but I chose to face and come through; no matter how long it took...whereas my husband tried to set aside an issue; and it resulted in the additional bout of crisis that lasted an additional 6 years.
What I'm telling you in summary is that change and growth NEVER stops; even after the MLC/MLT is past; you will always face change in yourselves; your spouses...and this will never cease.
The crisis/transition triggers growth that is ceaseless; nothing will ever settle into a routine, emotionally; you just have to embrace what comes next, as it comes next; and prepare for the long haul.
In other words, there is no real ending; only change and growth that continues, throughout.
If you're still together; that's a bonus; if you're not; you've NOT failed; you never fail if you take the time to take the journey to wholeness and healing.
You come to this board thinking to save your marriage; but in the end, you do end up saving yourselves; because it is YOU that you can control; not the outcome, not the MLC spouse; and certainly not anything else; it will be what it will be; and the crisis is what it is...and you simply learn to deal with the hand you've been dealt, outwit, outlast; in some ways, outrun; as you leave your MLC spouse behind to do whatever they think they gotta do.
The question is; are you going to wallow in the misery; or are you going to make up your mind to march forward; and learn to deal with yourself?
Are you going to embrace the process; or allow yourself to become bitter over what you perceive you are going through?
Nothing can destroy you unless you ALLOW it to; so choose life instead of choosing to be sucked into destruction....life is all about choices; and if you listen to your gut, intuition; however you term it; you'll always know what to do...you don't need someone to tell you what or how to do....you'll KNOW.
But post your journey; unless otherwise instructed; it is helpful to others that come after you; you think it's not useful; but yet, it is; more than you know.
Marriage is NOT a means to an end; and you may say that's easy for me to say; as I came through with my marriage; but let me tell you; it was a LONG, HARD, road for me to walk; I fell out of love; hated him for a long time; listened to my inner voice and the Lord's guidance.
It was a BATTLE to get where I wanted to be; but there were times; I wanted to just give up; and stop all of it; it was hard on me; more than you will ever know, as I never told the entire story of the second round; only highlighted the majority of it.
It's HARD, I won't kid you; but if you will let go of the MLC spouse and focus on you; that long hard road; becomes a bit easier....in the end; IF you take your journey to completion; you are a success, regardless if the relationship comes through or not.
Get the tools down pat within each of you; then, dealing with that wayward MLC spouse will get better; as you will understand even more that it doesn't matter if they return or not; it is up to THEM; it always was....what you need to decide is what you will do with your future; NOT so much your past....
You must look at your own individual past in order to grow; but once that's complete; and you've pinpointed the areas of growth that you need to achieve; let the rest go; it won't help you....the past cannot be changed; it is set in STONE; whereas the future is liquid and can be changed.
I've faced these things and many more; in pieces; and some in lumps as time went on; but I finished the journey; and you will, too.
Time during the crisis, is most certainly a gift, I can attest from experience; just as OP always said; you may not see that gift for the awfully ugly wrapping that covers it; but if you will take a chance and tear into the package; you will see the beauty of time that is hidden within. Been there, too.
Time is something you have; make the most of it; it marches on, just like it always has; even if you perceive it to be slow as molasses; but don't stand still; move forward; and focus on YOU.
Take care of yourselves; and most of all, look to the Lord/Divine Assistance/Creator/Energy of the Universe to help you....this is help that is priceless; and remember all things happen for a reason.
And, for what it's worth; you're all very welcome.
Love to you all,
HB
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Hearts blessing?