[megogirl]

Finalized settlement agreement today.....so his D should be official in a matter of days.

I am proud of myself.  H was trying to avoid eye contact, but I marched straight up to him and said, "You'd really better hope that there is no afterlife." 

So.....what now?  I suppose I'm really addressing the covenant-keepers now.  Because even though I was not raised Catholic, my values regarding marriage mirror those of their faith.  One, and done. 

So, covenant-keepers: How do you answer the nay-sayers regarding continuance of your Stand?  Because I know there will be plenty of them..!

 

 

[Unraveled]

Not a covenant keeper by any means but I have read a lot and thought a lot about this stuff.  I love your spunk, but I think if you want to have a future with him you have to learn to curb your anger and avoid the cheap shot even when he has paved the road for you.  Acorn says on her thread over and over again about zipping her lip.  This seems very hard for you, as your parting shot shows.  If he does try to return, he will likely be a scared kitten and will have a lot of fear and worry about your reactions and your ability to forgive.  I think you have to decide:  do you want to be right (or say your piece--fill in the appropriate blank) or do you want a chance for a future relationship with him?

I know Goner takes a lot of heat for her directness (and of course she is not alone) but refraining from name-calling of the OW and not giving him unkind names (our subconscious and brain patterning really are affected by this stuff), being kind and compassionate without allowing cake-eating, and being the woman only a fool would leave are really your best shot here.  He has to see something that is desirable to him (you have to be the better option) and he has to see the opportunity to approach you before he will.

Have you ever read Happy_Again's posts on the DB board?  Most are purged, but there are bits and pieces posted here and there.  I have not read any account of a returned MLCer that seems more raw, real-time, and instructive.  I heard the exact words out of my H's mouth that he spewed against his poor wife.  I imagine everyone here did too.  Like Stayed's husband, he recounted what made him want to come back, the doubt he had that they could correct the problems, and the anger he felt at his wife.  Very raw stuff.

Mine is a slightly different flavor than a lot here.  He is a vanishing clinger (but we do have a geographical distance that could account).  He has come back and tried to come back several times.  I can now see the approach a mile away.  I think if you settle in to yourself, your life, your happiness, out of the corner of your eye, every now and again, you may get a sight of him leaving coffee on your porch.

When and if that happens, keep your eyes on you, your expectations low, and your heart open.

[BrenM]

MG at this point concentrate on HEALING YOU!  Emotionally you have been to hell and back. Find YOU again....MG the individual.....not a wife, not a partner, not a mother...but YOU...what makes MG happy?....who is MG?  You need to heal totally before you make your mind up what you are doing.  There is no set period of time that this will take.  Listen to your gut feeling.  You will end up where you need to in the end..   

As silly as what it sounds.....and I am no hippy....but get in touch with nature to calm yourself and to think. Take a walk in the bush,  go to the beach, ride a bike, watch the stars at night...... notice all the small things in this world.  Take time to remove yourself from our hectic lives!

To be honest I don't know what I am doing.  I am so in limbo.  I love my husband beyond....the old husband....I don't know if he will ever resurface or not?  I do trust the MLC process, but I need to steer my family forward..,.if he is meant to catch up he will...if not it will be his biggest mistake ever.  If my knight in shining armour comes along and can break down all the cactus plants and spikes that I have surrounded myself and my kids with then I suppose fate will take its course.  I am not ready to be in another relationship...I don't know if I ever will.  I think I am standing...but I tell no one - apart from herospouse members lol.

I agree with Unraveled about biting your tongue with your husband.  I understand how it is so hard....we have been hurt beyond and have much anger...find a way to release your anger MG.

Yes I know the nay-Sayers so well....probably why I keep my stand private....let them think whatever they think....they have not been in my shoes or been in a MLC.  Mine is not your normal marriage breakdown....that is what the nay-Sayers don't understand. 

Don't worry about the future....concentrate on the NOW.  Find MG again. 

[megogirl]

Acorn says on her thread over and over again about zipping her lip.  This seems very hard for you, as your parting shot shows

I beg to differ.....

I did not see what I said as a pot-shot, by any means.  Rather, I thought it was just "keepin it real." 

I did not call him names, or the like.  I merely pointed out that if there is, in fact, an afterlife, his looks bleak. 

This man promised God, out loud and in a church:  Til Death do Us Part (broken), For Better or for Worse (broken), In Sickness and In Health (broken - I have MS).

At least I can sleep at night, knowing that I've kept up my end of the bargain....!

[megogirl]

He has to see something that is desirable to him (you have to be the better option)

Unraveled, I clearly have morals and values, something OW obviously doesn't.  Isn't that desirable enough?

I haven't read Happy_Again's stuff and wish I only knew how to find it.....

[BrenM]

This man promised God, out loud and in a church:  Til Death do Us Part (broken), For Better or for Worse (broken), In Sickness and In Health (broken - I have MS).

This is all of our stories MG.

I really don't know if our Mlcers have any remorse for their actions whilst in the tunnel.  Nah constantly refers to  'Smoke and Mirrors".....yes I can see this happening with my H.  Your H's lack of eye contact displays his guilt.   I don't think any Mlcer  really understands the damage that they have done to so many people who they  loved....well not yet anyhow.  I do believe it will come.   Whilst our Mlcers are in the midst of the tunnel nothing we say makes any difference.  So your words have no affect apart from getting things off your chest.

Have a read of Watchers threads - it would appear that his Wife is coming out of the tunnel - she has utter confusion and depression.  She still blames Watcher for things and cannot see what her actions have caused - he remains quiet and let's her go.  Sometimes it is best to remain quiet.  A life lesson for us LBS's.

[megogirl]

So your words have no affect apart from getting things off your chest.

Aaaand...that was my mission.

Well, that.....and I got 75% of our estate.

[Unraveled]

It isn’t a competition.  She really does not matter.  Become the best you, for you.  Focus on you.  You can’t logic or guilt anyone back.  Yes, he broke his vows.  You say you want him back, so it must be in spite of that.  You can either forgive or you can’t but to continually bring it up builds a barrier, not a bridge. It doesn’t have to happen today, and it may change day to day.  But you have to let go of the anger, the hurt, the outrage.  It does happen, I promise.  It just takes time, a lot of compassion and, as Treasure reminds us, self-care.

To find Happy_Again just google his name with divorcebusting, you will find it.  Also Cerena has some great stuff.

[BrenM]

MG - have a read of denjefs thread

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412.0

I did post many reconciliation stories on the Vanishers thread (which included parts of Happy again's letter)....but I cannot find them.  Leave it with me and I will locate it for you

[megogirl]

Ohhh thanx Bren.....I am very familiar with denjef31, and have referred reading her threads to MKnight here