[megogirl]

If your religious sect allows divorce, then your remarks were inappropriate and you are the one who isn't respecting your shared values

Actually, I align with RCR.  100%.

Biblically, it may be allowed should I choose to hit the bricks.  But, to do so "wasn't in my vows."

*thank you again, RCR*

[megogirl]

I freaking *LOVE* that Bren, and totally agree.....thank you

[Not Applicable]

You can argue your case until the cows come home. Maybe if you spent less time trying to prove you are right and tried to put yourself in the shoes of the MLCer and understand his current thinking and perceptions, you would understand that the road to reconciliation is less about proving your superiority and beating them over the head with their mistakes than it is about showing them a soft place to land.

My husband and I had a very ugly and heated argument the other night, but a huge step forward also came out of it. I mentioned he had treated me badly the past 2.5 years. And he AGREED. He said yes he had treated me badly. You know what I said to that? I didn't give him a long laundry list of things he had done wrong to rub it in. I told him "thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. It means a lot to me that you recognize you treated me badly." And I left it at that. I paved the way for him to confess more later, by making him see I won't hold it over his head.

[megogirl]

"Long laundry list?"  Whatever is it that you speak of?!

Please shoo, fly, shoo....

[BrenM]

MG - Another thread to read is Busy_Bee - another Mlcer who becomes a LBS. 

Here is a quote from a recent post of hers...it certainly gives an insight into the mind of a Mlcer

What if I tell you that I felt NOTHING for my husband?
I wanted him to disappear
I wanted him to leave me alone
I wanted him to just go away and don't bother me
I didn't love him anymore and I was SURE i never will

Time.....

After 5 year
I'd give everything just for him to hold my hand
I'd give anything for him just to be with me
I'd give anything to get his attention

When the FOG was gone I knew he is the only one i want to spend my life with
Difficult to explain MLC, as you can't comprehend that sudden " unlove" , sudden personality change. There is no such thing as ILVYBIMNILWY nonsense.

For some MLCers their other life will work well, so they won't come back. Others will regret but still won't come back
But there are others who would like to come back, but LBS are already gone...

That is why you need to let her go first completely. Find yourself.
As you can't replace her,  she won't be able to replace you as well. She will try her best. Most probably she will fail.
Many ifss and buts ...

I guess TIME will fix all those MLCers, will you wait? 

[Anon]

"Long laundry list?"  Whatever is it that you speak of?!

Please shoo, fly, shoo....

Wow, Mego,,,,,, really?  This is how you choose to respond to someone attempting to help you? 

The help came in the form of a 2 x 4 but I do think the comments apply to you and were intended to help.   If you can come off so abrasive here, then I wonder if it's 10 x worse for those talking to you in RL.   I'm sure you didn't come here to just hear people tell you what you want to hear because it rarely goes that way here.  Instead, people are more likely to tell you what you need to hear.  Usually in more supportive ways but if that goes unheard the 2 x 4's tend to come out with the hope of getting through to you.  Then you post a reply with the intention of offending and insulting instead of considering for a second, if there is some truth in what they are 'trying' to tell you.  Sorry but you need to be called out on this.     

[Treasur]

With the caveat that my assumption is that God knows a bunch of stuff I don't.....may be worth rereading about the return of the prodigal son....not sure it would have read the same if the father had said 'well, F off because you deserved it'.

You are angry, mego, and it comes out in your responses here too. Your anger is understandable but people who share your values and have been where you are are saying two things clearly to you.
That the need to be angry and right will not help your stand (think HB or RCR had an article about this, about wanting a spouse to return grovelling on their knees)
That it won't help you detach enough to move forward with your own life while standing in covenant.

It is of course your choice to pause and muse on them or not.

My marriage was a covenant to me not a contract. I believed it was the same for my h when he made those vows but evidently he changed his mind and his beliefs although ironically he was more active in his faith before than I was.  I am not responsible for his relationship with God, only my own. For me though, I would not remarry as he has done because of my beliefs. And it's the only way I know to not get divorced again lol.

Forgiveness is a hard individual path and I'm not sure I have forgiven my xh. Or need to. That might be above my pay grade and best left for a conversation between him and God! But I count it as both a blessing and some real effort that I do not hate him or wish him ill, that I have compassion for just how far he has strayed from the decent person he once was and the things he treasured. In my case, for my wellbeing, my compassion is silent and from a distance 

Imho watcher's recent posts are like reading love and grace in action. To the point where his HS friends are concerned about the strain on him whilst also admiring his deep compassion for his profoundly broken wife.i've no idea if Watcher believes in God or not.  Could you do that, mego, if your h ever reached out to you? (And no judgment bc I'm not sure I could)

[BrenM]

Wow, Mego,,,,,, really?  This is how you choose to respond to someone attempting to help you? 

Anon best to ignore the bantering between MG and GIG....this bantering has been happening in several threads. 

MG  has Sass which radiates confidence....but like us all she is damaged and needs support.  We all know that our family and friends in RL have no idea what we are going through.  Posters come here to HS to vent...no one should judge.  Release of hurt and anger is positive for the healing process.  For me personally I skipped the anger stage in my LBS journey.....I have immense hurt but no anger.  My psychologolist wishes that I could get angry...but instead I internalise my feelings - anxiety, contraction of the neck muscles (like someone is strangling me), weight loss, hair falling out etc.  This is not healthy!   MG's anger is understandable and IMO it is better that she vents on here with fellow LBS's who get it and do not judge.

Goner offers awesome advise and is very assertive.  She is very honest and blunt in her posts.   IMO I believe that some of her posts can be misconstrued and misinterpreted like all written content.

We are all here to support all posters....sharing our thoughts on our own individual experiences and sharing our research on Mlc.  There is no right or wrong in this Mlc carpola $h!tee! We all have varying perspectives and opinions and can learn immensely from all

For me though, I would not remarry as he has done because of my beliefs. And it's the only way I know to not get divorced again lol.

Forgiveness is a hard individual path and I'm not sure I have forgiven my xh. Or need to. That might be above my pay grade and best left for a conversation between him and God! But I count it as both a blessing and some real effort that I do not hate him or wish him ill, that I have compassion for just how far he has strayed from the decent person he once was and the things he treasured. In my case, for my wellbeing, my compassion is silent and from a distance 

Amen Treasur....I often wonder if I will fully trust again.  I have trust issues with everyone! 

[Milly]

Mego, first, I'm sorry your divorce is final. I'm not there yet, but will in the coming year, so I imagine it feels like one more blow from our Hs. One more way to make us disappear.

Thank you for opening this discussion, I'm getting so much good advice for myself. I don't blame you for being angry and for having needed to let your exH know how you felt. I do it about 3 times a year. You're still early in this MLC mess so you can't force yourself to reach the next stage in your grief until you're ready for it. Anger has actually helped me move forward.

So back to you telling your exH how you felt as I have done. It felt good to me when I did it. I don't actually regret it even now that time has passed. There were moments I just needed to say how I felt.

What this discussion is pointing out to me is that if I'm standing, getting stuff off my chest is not going to help my stand. Of course, I knew that, but seeing several people's view of how venting comes across, I'm starting to really realize that it's time for me to stop this.

I'm glad nobody 2x4'd me when I posted my vents, because I was still at a stage where I needed to do that. This is one of the invaluable gifts we receive from HS, the chance to heal and say how we feel with (usually) not too much criticism, and lots of encouragement. And often, we work it out ourselves in the end.

I can't say enough how much I'm getting from this discussion. Mego, you have a right to your feelings whatever they are. You're angry, be angry, get it out. We've all made comments like yours to our Hs, every one of us. Some stopped sooner than others, that's all. Lucky them.

What I am learning is that there is no right or wrong on this MLC journey. The 'wrong' we might appear to be doing, is needed for our own journey. There is always something positive that comes out of discussing our emotions. So what now? Just keep focusing on you.

[BrenM]

What I am learning is that there is no right or wrong on this MLC journey. The 'wrong' we might appear to be doing, is needed for our own journey. There is always something positive that comes out of discussing our emotions. So what now? Just keep focusing on you.

Milly 👏👏👏👏👏👏.....well said lovely lady!