[bluerose]

     I noticed it was time for a new thread, so here we go. When i started this thread i never thought it would be this big. Hope it continues to help us understand these guys, if thats at all possible.
      Tyks, the coward said some of the same things to me , quite awhile ago, we do not communicate.

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10418.0

[nah]

Jumping aboard thread 20!!

[Treasur]

Glad we keep this thread going.
Do any of the rest of you 'clanishers of the vanishers' still have those moments when, bc you don't see the crazy, you wonder if really this is normal and how people behave when they run off with an ow/om?
Sometimes I think I come back to HS almost to double-check my own instinct, reading others stories so I can be reminded of my own WTF moments.
It didn't FEEL normal but some years on, idk, i sometimes wonder if I'm just being niave bc I would have behaved differently if I had wanted to leave him.
Gah, just having one of those mornings...tripped over an old note in his handwriting amongst some old paperwork and had one of those 'what the hell happened to that guy' moments.

[Milly]

Glad this thread is still going. My boomerang at the beginning has become a vanisher. Yes, still get those WTF moments often, actually, every other day. The problem is right there, Treasur, the way they left us. Cruel beyond belief.

My take on it is because they are cowards, can't face their problems, and can't face giving others bad news. Can't face other's pain, especially if they caused it. That goes for their own kids, too. Can't face problems in general, that's why so many of them are penniless and indebted. They run from the truth, thus increasing their debt and making it harder for them to be able to clear their debt ever.

They are immature, believing that if they ignore problems, they might disappear. When faced with problems, they feel like victims, like they're so unlucky, or that others have forced them to cause their own problems. I believe the vanishers have this kind of personality.

They look for quick fixes. We are told that all the time, but I can relate it to their money problems, too. If they can borrow from a relative to keep going, they will. I call that a quick fix, too. It just increases their debt. I use the money example because my H is one of the extreme replayers, spending and spending to please OW, not paying off any debt, risking going to prison if he doesn't start paying maintenance by the end of 2019. I'm sure he has a plan for that, probably running away to some foreign land, as if there's anywhere to run any more. You can be found everywhere these days.

Comparing my H's quick fix system with his finances to how he is living his personal life, OW/spending/avoiding me and kids, helps me see it as a general problem in him as opposed to a personal refusal of me. We are told it's not about us, they did not reject us, and I know this to be correct in principle, but I do have to keep reminding myself. With a vanisher it's so easy to feel that they really did never love us and our marriage was a mistake. With a vanisher, you don't ever get a crumb like with the clingers, although a clinger drive your emotions crazy.

Coming to the forum helps me rebalance myself. There's comfort in hearing I'm not the only one living in this WTF world. There's no comfort in RL. I can't tell anyone in RL how I really feel, and you all know what I mean. Thank goodness for this site.

[Shelly7435]

Tyks. Thank you so much for the post.. All I could see while reading it was my Xh face and my d. They are both saying the same thing. 

As far as the communication comment, what a joke... I ask as I am sure you all did. What was wrong and what I could do to help.  I got , I don't know or silence.

I am trying to detach as much as other here  and trying to be more like you all. Thank you for giving the advice and strength. I couldn't do this without all of you.

[stillbaffled]

Yup - I'm continuing on with this thread. 

[Treasur]

Helps me when I have doubts and think "well, maybe I imagined those 20 years, and maybe xh is now normal and happy bc he left me/has his new wife/new life" - bc it is hard to know sometimes with no evidence even though it is sane to not look - and then I remember that logically my xh is most likely no different from all the other stories. That just bc I don't see it does not mean he isn't still a mess. Which for reasons I'm not sure I understand sometimes makes me feel better.

I think a vanisher is a bit like a RL version of Schrodinger's Cat actually 

[Nas]

Treasur, I think we ALL question at times, especially after a quiet period with no contact and not looking at any social media so we see no evidence of any strangeness.  (Although I'm totally with you on the NOT looking at anything.  It's just so much better that way.)

I find myself questioning ALL the time, maybe more so because my H has exhibited less of the cra-cra-crazy that some others have.  For instance, Treasur, I can look at your situation and say holy crap, how could anyone ever question that he's a complete mess - my outside perspective is consistent while yours wavers because you're so much closer to your own situation.

My H never did anything really crazy, nor did the OW.  To the outside world, he moved to a new state, got a better job and is in a happy relationship.  They don't know he left me with a long letter about how he's been afraid of me for almost 2 decades, hasn't paid a dime towards his debt in two years, avoids getting divorced and makes ridiculous excuses to cover up his vanishing (you all know the old story: sorry I vanished for over a year, my phone went through the washing machine...)

Just a few weeks ago I said something to my sister in law about sometimes wondering if I'm making too much of all of this and she without hesitation looked at me like I had 3 heads and said, "You think this is the normal way a marriage ends?" 
Then just last week she made a comment about how she must have been naive her whole life because she never knew a person could just "flip a switch" like that and how he definitely changed overnight, because there's no way we all, every single one of us, could have read him so wrong for such a long time.

And even hearing that, I still find myself questioning it all.  And I suspect I probably will question certain things every so often for the rest of my life.

[Anjae]

Do any of the rest of you 'clanishers of the vanishers' still have those moments when, bc you don't see the crazy, you wonder if really this is normal and how people behave when they run off with an ow/om?

No. But I never thought any of this was normal. Normal does not include a personality change and psychotic episodes that have never happened before. At 12 years and counting from BD, I am certain none of this is normal. Still, now, it is all residual.

How would I end things? I don't know. With it is over, maybe. When I am really done with something I am done. It is pointless to try to get explanations or whatever from me. But I don't think there would be a fuss. Just, over and that is it.

[Rising Phoenix]

Coming along on no 20, boomerang to vanisher although back in touch with the children and the occasional kid speak with me so not a complete vanisher at present. That will change soon. Xx