[Anjae]

Thank you for clarifying, Xyzcf.

I am not certain if the LBS being in a new relationship or marriage, or no longer wanting the MLCer back, stops the MLCer from trying to be back.

Real life MLCers I know, and there HS cases as well, thing Sewing22 who had her own crisis, try to get back even if the LBS is in a new relationship or marriage. It will be the LBS that will not take the MCLer back, not the MLCer who will not try to return.

Even MLCers who were physically abusive, like LP's husband, once out of the fog try to get back with the LBS. LP wants nothing to do with him. Or last time she posted about the matter, she didn't.

So, yes, the final choice is up to the LBS. The MLCer may want back, but if the LBS does not take them back, there will be no reconnection.

I don't think someone is wasting their life because they don't have someone in their life. It is up to each of us to decide what we want. I also don't mind if a LBS decides to have a new relationship or marriage.

I agree that jumping into a new relationship or marriage after BD, or until we aren't in a good place, is not a good idea. Even in a normal divorce it is not a good idea to quickly jump into a new relationship. 

[Tyks]

Arguing is not helpful. If you don't like what a poster has posted, why not just ignore it? Everyone is entitled to an opinion and oftentimes too many people are adding fuel to the fire. 

[Nas]

What is happening on the forum lately? As far as I know, Mercury in retrograde ended yesterday. 😂

[Anjae]

What is happening on the forum lately? As far as I know, Mercury in retrograde ended yesterday. 😂

Nothing out of the ordinary. Those who aren't familiar with HS from the start, or almost from the start, don't know how it was when Stayed, Lawprofessor and LisaLives, among others, were around.

This is a nothing compared with those times. Things were far more heated and extreme by then and not until that long ago.

Now only I and In It are a bit toughter. Compared with Stayed, Lawprofessor, LisaLives and some others who used to be around I'm a softie.

[Nas]

I don’t have a problem with heated discussion. What I’m noticing is different lately is people getting upset just from having to hear differing opinions. Isn’t that what the entire purpose of this forum is, a place for people to share their differing opinions and ideas and experiences?  At least that is my definition of a support forum, and I suspect it is what most people also believe.

[Anjae]

I don’t have a problem with heated discussion. What I’m noticing is different lately is people getting upset just from having to hear differing opinions.

That always happened. HS has phases/ups and downs. Much like a MLCer. 

Isn’t that what the entire purpose of this forum is, a place for people to share their differing opinions and ideas and experiences?

It is.

[xyzcf]

But a long long time ago, when none of us really knew much about MLC and were so devastated by the shock of what had happened to us...the site was much more "kumbaya-ish" .Our members are much more diversified now and at a wide range of timeframes.

When I read RCR's words that MLC could last 2-3 years I literally screamed "I cannot last 2 years!"....opps, guess I was wrong about that.

[Anjae]

When I read RCR's words that MLC could last 2-3 years I literally screamed "I cannot last 2 years!"....opps, guess I was wrong about that.

In 2013 RCR changed it for 2-7 years. "The range we use is 2-7 years" https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/time-and-expectations/, June 30, 2013.

We now know 7 years still doesn't cover it. And if it last 2 years or less it is most likely a midlife transition. Or a very mild MLC.

It is true long ago none of us knew much about MLC. As time went by, we learned a lot and saw things happen that we never thought were possible.

Like a MLCer divorcing the LBS 9 years down the road, like Xyzcf's husband did. Who does that? Why divorce 9 years down the road.

If we were still using 2-3 years, xyzcf's husband and her should had been reconciled for 6 years. And Mr J and Trusandlove's husband would had been out of crisis for many, many years. Not happening.


For anyone who doubts that all scenaries and outcomes are valid:

"Choosing to stop Standing is not failure.
Choosing to seek a new relationship with a new person is not failure.
Choosing to Stand as a Covenant Keeper even if your spouse does not return is not failure.
Success comes in many varieties." from https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/standing-and-divorce/hope-expectations-probability-part-i/ , March 26, 2012.

It has long been known that there are different outcomes and that none is a failure and that what one LBS decides is not more or less valid than what another LBS decides.

I miss DGU - now, there is a Vanisher if I ever knew one  - he has photographic memory and is able to quote all the articles, blog posts, etc. without searching.

This recent idea that some have that, somehow, things haven't long been discussed and RCR hasn't wrote about them is baffling.

[Thunder]

I enjoy the discussion but what does it have to do with Vanishers?

Isn't that what this thread/threads were all about?

Maybe we should get back to those who started this thread to talk about their Vanisher's experiences.   

[Anjae]

I enjoy the discussion but what does it have to do with Vanishers?

Nothing. Things got derailed, as they often do.