[nah]

It’s not easy to see the open door ahead of you when you keep looking at the closed door behind you.

Why be envious of a woman that is marrying a known cheater?  I know I don’t want to be “them”, why would any of us? We were blindsided, we didn’t know, we know we deserve better. If you don’t think you deserve better, that needs to be your focus, not “them”. 

[BrenM]

Why be envious of a woman that is marrying a known cheater?  I know I don’t want to be “them”, why would any of us? We were blindsided, we didn’t know, we know we deserve better. If you don’t think you deserve better, that needs to be your focus, not “them”. 

I couldn't agree more.  As LBS's we spend the first year post BD blaming the OP, I really think this a process of our grief.  We blame shift, removing the responsibility from our Mlcers.  We are looking for answers which sadly we don't find.  Our Mlcers are responsible for the destruction of our marriages and families.  Yes we acknowledge that there  are contributing factors...the traits of a Mlcers, but we cannot control this. But the focus should never be on the OP....they are a symptom...normally a damaged individual also.   Ignore and disregard them.  They are really nothing to your family. 

Should the MLCer decide to marry the Op acknowledge that the MLCer is only the shell of the man whom they once were.   Honestly if we were to meet  the MLCer for the first time, in their current persona....there would be no love...no connection....no relationship...no marriage.  No nothing..because in their current state they would not even register on our radars.  We deserve better.....concentrate on healing ourselves and our children....become the best possible version of ourselves.  Trust fate that we will end up where we belong!

[Treasur]

All of this is quite right, of course.
We know that....just takes a while to really feel it maybe.
I do wonder if one of the challenges of a vanisher is that the person we knew lives in our head for a bit longer bc we don't see so much evidence of what they have become. Like a death without a body.
It does fade I think over time but that absence of new information is just another void to fill with our own answers and bc it is like imagining a zombie or tasting green with your elbow, it just takes a bit longer maybe to settle in.

The one bit of the MLC 'process' I have never been able to firm up on in my mind is if any significant bit of the person we knew still exists at all or if they are pretty much erased by the crisis. I just don't know. But it seems sensible to pick the most useful 'answer' for me as I don't know and that is to assume the person I knew de facto no longer exists.

[BrenM]

Treasur I believe that the persona we knew is still existent within that MLC burden body.  They run from reality and avoid contact with people who mean something to them.  This is only my opinion.

My ExH has been a vanisher for some time now.  Ghosting from our children's lives   He made no contact to our Children on  Christmas Day or their birthdays, graduation and many other significant occasions etc, something that I cannot fathom.   Ironically he did reach out to our eldest son 2 days after Christmas and they met up for a brief lunch.  No invitation was sent out to our other 3 children.  i believe that ExH has selected S1 because he has the most caring heart and is soft natured.  I don't know (or want to know) what was discussed, that is not my concern. It was a brief lunch meet up,  which S1 commented that it was awkward at times. 

My ExH also has vanished from his beloved brothers life as well.  The two brothers have been close all their lives.  BIL has been beside himself as he has tried on many occasions to contact ExH to no avail...his calls and messages have been ignored.  Then on New Years Eve ExH rocks up on his doorstep.  Apparently his newly purchased motorbike is encountering some mechanical issues and he needed some help.   BIL said that ExH appeared to be uncomfortable and could not maintain eye contact. Once again the contact was brief.  Yes it was only contact because the MLCer wanted something...but it was a start.

I believe that the real persona co-exists within the MLCer's body.  They know what they are doing....yet I am on the "Don't know why" theory why they continue hurting people who matter.  BIL said that ExH looked horrible.

I was pleased that ExH reached out to S1 and BIL briefly.....sadly he only sort interaction with his B because he needed something and it suited him.

I do believe that whilst in crisis that the real persona is in that body somewhere....often hidden under the persona trying to reinvent their younger self.

[nah]

Has anyone been reading yellowroseoftexas’s thread?

Seems like her vanisher has reappeared after years of NC.

Interesting.

[Milly]

I know, Nah, really interesting what's going on on Yellow's thread. Glad you pointed it out to everyone.

[BrenM]

Very interesting indeed.

I love Yellowroseoftexas' quote "As much as they try to forget us, the memories are there.  Husband remembered a lot of stuff I forgot.  And......he remembered the fun times". It is what we constantly remind ourselves of...no one can forget a large chunk of their lives.

[Anjae]

I did. But what I got was that it was Yellowrose who went NC and there was not contact for three years 2015-2018.

It was Yellowrose who ask her husband to come by because she had a situation with her S26. It was not him that got in contact. Like it was not him who cut contact.

Our 26 year old son moved back in wih me. He left at 18 for college and is home again.  VERY STRESSFUL.

We had an incident and I asked husband (ex) actually to come over and help diffuse the situation.    He did. 

Regardless, MLCers tend to show up. Even if many years down the road.

[serenity]

I’m often surprised now by how much my H remembers!

Even stuff that I’d forgotten!

X

[nah]

I'm watching Yellow's story with great interest. 

I did. But what I got was that it was Yellowrose who went NC and there was not contact for three years 2015-2018.

So?  Most of our vanishers are vanishers for a reason.  Many would argue that mine was a vanisher because I started to date so early, and that might be true.  Many are vanishers b/c of the influence of the ow (including Yellow's).  Yellow was much smarter and stronger than me.  She went NC early to protect herself, not to influence his behavior but to protect herself.

It was Yellowrose who ask her husband to come by because she had a situation with her S26. It was not him that got in contact. Like it was not him who cut contact.

Again, so?  Would he have done that early after BD?  Probably not.  I contacted The Leaver a few weeks after BD, our son was suicidal, The Leaver knew I wasn't making it up.  It didn't matter, The Leaver was a shell of who he used to be, he did nothing.  He left it up to me, in my shocked post BD state, to deal with our suicidal son alone.  Yellow's husband showed, regardless of who contacted who, I think this is significant.

...and now we have a vanisher that is poking his frightened little head into the real world.

This is when it gets extra tricky.  I have yet to see a smooth ride.

btw... I also noticed the 3-yr mark.  Whether 3 years is significant or not, I'm not sure, but it does seem to be a trend.