[limitless]

Zinger,

This is a realitively young board.
I think it started up last May.

Thus, as MLC takes a long, long, long time - there are only a few success stories.

Also, oftentimes - when the marriage is repaired - the LBS will stop posting.  These stories bring up painful and tough memories.  If my marriage were on the mend - would it help or hinder my success if I were to continue to read/post on this website.  I don't know.

I would like to think that I would stay and try to help others - as I remember what it felt to be a newbie.  It was so tough - some of the only solice that I found was here.

Just a little info regarding the lack of success stories here.

L

[Mamma Bear]

 Plus many LBSs shut the door in their faces and file for D and don't look back.
  They are not like us. We are a special breed.
  But it's true if you had a success story wouldn't it be hard to come back here and read all this insanity while rebuilding.

[zinger]

That all makes sense. I appreciate your responding and again I don't want to be a downer. I guess my question is--how do we know that all of these strategies around standing, GALing, not pursuing, etc are actually effective? 

This forum has been so supportive and comforting--I really don't mean to be unappreciative. I guess I am just at a low--the pain of all this is literally breathtaking

[OldPilot]

I guess my question is--how do we know that all of these strategies around standing, GALing, not pursuing, etc are actually effective? 

Although this forum is new none of the advice that is being given is new.
It is a combination of many other forums and advice that has been given for quite a number of years.
Many of us have done extensive research into MLC
I personally have read will over 25 books on the subject.

So while there are no guarantees I am sure that if you work on yourself YOU will be a better person.

YOU are the only one that can guarantee that YOU are happy!!!!

[Mamma Bear]

Zing,  am a newbie as well. I hear you.
  The best success story I have is my sister and her H. He left and was in his own apt for 20 mos. Lied about OW big roller coaster ride. Came back b/c the inner turmoil of running away from my sister and the life they had built together caught up with him finally.   He was tired and realzied what he threw away.
  They tell me about the tunnel and the tears and the guilt.
  Literally he said " I didn't know what the f' I was doing. I was scared."
 He does say that my sister's grace and dignity towards the end is what made him realize what he had done to her. And how much he cared about her.
 When she spent 18 mos beg n pleading he hated her.
  Keep your head up. Make a bucket list for yourself. PRAY!
  MB

[limitless]

How do we know if what we do is effective?
Interesting question.
I would say, if you judge your response to this question in terms of your MLCer and how he/she is responding or what he/she is doing or not doing - you will believe that your actions are ineffective.  That would be in the short term and the medium term and possibly in the long term.
If you judge your response to this questions in terms of yourself - how you are responding, what you are doing/not doing - it is very easy to see if your actions are effective or not.
They say fake it until you make it.  Early on, my actions or inactions were designed to have effect on my H.  BIG failure.  He wasn't reacting or not reacting when I GALed or Let go.  He wasn't ANYTHING.  He is not engaged with me.  He shows little to no interest in me or what I am doing. (Maybe, a little - but who knows?)
But, when I really looked at myself.  What do I want to do?  How do I fill my time?  My life?  When I started to do for ME - Wow - I found my actions/inactions were EXTREMELY effective.
I started to feel better, sleep better, my appetite returned.  I found myself having some fun, again.  I actually laughed!  The lode on me felt lighter.  I relaxed more.
On Thursday, I had lunch with my Mom and 2 sisters.  We talked, we laughed.  I teased them about silly stuff.  My Sister said, "L is back!"  And, she was right.  I am back.
This MLC crap got me down for quite a while  (still does, occasionally) - but I am back to being more of myself.  Also, I have made some changes in ME that I like.  Except for the part about my marriage being over - I am happier than I have been in a long time.  Happier with MYSELF.
So, I judge the GALing and actions that I have been taking as being very effective.
Someday (I truly believe this) my H will see it.  Maybe I will care when he does.  I don't know.  But, I won't worry about it, for now.  Cause for now, it doesn't matter. 
Hope this helps.

L

[Mamma Bear]

 It helps us all a lot. Thanks.

[zinger]

Thanks everyone.  MammaBear, thank you for the success story--what a comfort that must be to have your sister and her husband (I gathered he was the mlcer??) there to give you hope.  I would love to hear more about whatever he has shared about his state of mind in his own hindsight.

  I get how GAL is important and I have been really trying to focus on me.  And i do feel better in some ways--about myself, my relationship with my girls, my appreciation of what amazing friends and family I have, how strong I am and thanks to all of you--the undeniable kindness of strangers.  I guess the detaching and letting go is what I am struggling with.  It feels scary.  Also, I was not raised religiously--I come from a long line of agnostic/atheist Jews and I feel like I don't have that spirituality to turn to.  I so wish I did.   I love the saying "Let go and let God" but for me I guess it feels like it is just "Let go" without faith that something will catch me on the other side...

I feel like I have read at least 20 books on marriage/divorce/mlc, etc.  It occurred to me last nite as I was going to bed that my bedside table looks so pathetic--piles of books and things I have printed out from this and other mlc sites.  I am an analyst by nature and somehow I thought if I could truly educate myself about this, I could control it.  I guess I am coming to terms now with the fact that I know in my heart that I can't.    I think maybe I need to pack some of them away for now maybe as a symbol to myself of letting go???

Again, so many thanks to all of your for time, thoughts, and patience with me...

[Butterfly]

Mamabear

Did your sister talk about their interactions much? How they were in the beginning, middle to the end? You said she begged and pleaded at some point. Can you give a few more details? Was her h monster ? And what was sitch with ow?

Butterfly

[Mamma Bear]

   He is a contractor/owner and he met her at a job. Talking ..EA she was married. He got an apt of his own next door to my sister and his house and had affair for 20 mos. He lied about it for most of it.  She found out and it lasted for 6 mos more. He didn't file any papers didn't want her telling the extended family. She did finally  OW left her H. My
sister was doing "everything wrong" She texted,called,cried,followed, you name it she did it. She went to IC for a lot of it. She saw this site we're on here now and said "I wish that was around when I was going through all of that." She said she was flying blind.
  She told me to just keep doing what I'm doing and as the sun keeps coming up and going down he'll make progress through HIS tunnel and come back a BETTER MAN>
 It's so hard.