[nah]

As  i'm sure you might have heard before they can't control who they fall in love with and when right ??

Hahaha... Such a weak justification.  Trying to make lies and betrayal into something beautiful.  Typical.

[Gettingbackup]

Has anyone see The Favourite? 

I went when it first came out and I loved it for its black humour.  People who watch it seem to fall into two camps - either love it or hate it. 

A third of the way in, I realised it was all about an affair.  To me it was anyway.  And it showed the whole progression - how the alienator insinuates herself, how she exploits the cracks in the main relationship, the growing tension in the main relationship, and lightness of the budding affair... It was really interesting. And then in the end, the affair partners are locked in a death grip of mutual resentment and need, while the main character pines after their LBS, now exiled.

I came out of that movie feeling really good.

But it might be overly romantic to say this is how affairs end. I think affairs end the way relationships do. Boredom, routine, strife. But I think in cases where the affair partners have sacrificed to be with each other, they stay stuck together longer. I might be extrapolating from my circumstances, but I can see my H staying with OW forever because he's destroyed so much to be with her, he'll need to justify it. Some men are big enough to say they've made a mistake, but I don't think my H is one of them 

[Bewildered survivor]

This is an interesting question and one I have to admit has taken up way to much energy and head space for me. 

In my case OW is a massive part of the situation as H is living with her, takes our children to her house to stay and is flaunting her (bringing her to our area, to the same places and engineering meetings between us).

She is a massive affair down- 10 years older (looks older than she is), 2 failed marriages, 4 kids, a grandchild, different religion, different culture, no education or intelligence - academic or in life,  worked as a cleaner in his business and is not someone I would have thought he would have looked twice at pre MLC.

Hope 2018 and Barbie I wish I could say my H's relationship with his AD was similar to your situation.  But it is the opposite.  He is living with her as if she is his wife.  He lives in her home, sleeps on a single mattress on the floor with her, is flaunting her to the world and particularly to me, made declarations of love to her on social media, is forcing her on the children (almost like she is taking my place as their mother) and in initial messages I found around BD he was talking about making happy memories with her and a future.  He has also forced her on his immediate family (have had to meet her in order to keep in touch with their son/brother and the children) and is very upset that his extended family arent accepting her.  He has taken on all of her friends and family as his own.  He didnt have many of his own friends when he was with me and so mine became his to.


Due to his abandonment issues and low self worth he is doing everything he can to please her so she wont leave him or wont stop praising him.  He does all the cooking for her and her kids, all the ironing, takes breakfast up to bed for her kids and lots of other things.  He did things like this for me to as its his way of showing his love but also because of his need to be needed.  The difference is that because she is needy and hasnt had much anything he does is amazing to her.  Although I appreciated what H did for me I saw it as a partnership and did things things for him to although differently and the main thing is that I didnt need him.  His role with OW is definitely as knight in shining armor.  I'd like to think that he doesnt need to do much for her as her expectations are  lower and thats what I believe keeps him there as of course I didnt appreciate, need or love him as much as she does  .  Therefore I cant see her leaving him and if he tries to end it...she will be clinging on for dear life.


He is in soo deep with her and her kids and her life that I have no idea how it could ever just fizzle out.  But shes soo opposite and unacceptable to the norm I also dont see how it could last in the long run.

I dont know how long the relationship has been going on for pre BD but its been 18 months since BD and 15 months of living together.

Does anyone else have a situation like this?  I have read that however tangled up in OW mess they are and how ever much they have bought into true luv/soul mate....when the addiction is not as strong and the fog has cleared they do end it with OW and have no problem walking away.

I would love to know if "how addicted and in luv they are with OW" affects how long the relationship lasts for and if they are more likely to marry them?? 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Its a good question Anon as are your others but you are reading way too much into everything.

Anon, I hope you continue to ask questions. That's how you learn. And, IMO, you've been asking good questions.

[hope2018]

Milly,
You have stated you agree that relationships can just fizzle out but that can take a long time due to MLC. Agree! I also think that most come thru MLC and at one point they will reach their “awakening” and gain the strength to break it off. I also believe the main factor is if they “think” they can go home.  Is the LBS standing or are they divorced? It will take a lot more to leave a relationship If they “think” they don’t have anyone waiting for them. So how do we change this?

[hope2018]

Bewildered-
I am sorry to hear that you H is living with his AD! 15 months and sleeping on a single mattress on the floor is no way to live. Don’t you think that he will eventually see that his prior life is much better than how he is living now?  Give it time he will eventually have some clarity and come to his senses.  The AD is just that, beneath you! She is a nobody. He may want you to think life is great with her, but you know in your heart that it is not. How can it be? I will send a prayer your way!

[Velika]

I would not pin my hopes on things ending with the affair, or for a full recovery following the affair. Please, take a close look at your spouse's family history. I think this will tell you all you need to know about the likely trajectory of what may happen.

While MLC affairs may have some overlap with other types of affairs, they also differ quite strikingly when it comes to manic/euphoric behavior, lack of empathy, radical changes to personality and behavior, and calculated cruelty toward the spouse. These are abnormal behaviors that signify something beyond just being swept up in escapism.

My ex has now been involved in some way with his OW for at least six years. This is a long-term relationship. I just wrote on another thread that I think that many of these MLCers feel a type of "satisfaction" that we would not equate with happiness. I think most of us truly do not want a relationship with a disordered person who has mistreated us.

Unfortunately, OW is a major symptom that masks the condition and also makes it possible for it to continue. Yet there is also the factor that many of us have seen quite clearly, that our spouses have radically changed, and in this new form — to them — OW brings more (likely low bar) "satisfaction" that they crave.

[megogirl]

I have read statistically that relationships that start as affairs do not last. It is often assumed and written that a couple who met illicitly will never truly trust each other, because as the age old saying goes once a cheat always a cheat.

Yep, and RCR puts it beautifully: "The relationship isn't built on mutual respect and trust; rather it is superficial and thus doomed for failure."

[sachat3]

I think another major factor is OW/OW finding someone more needy.

I do feel that in my case Ow will leave H. Many aspects of Hs life are better with Ow. He has more free time. He has more money etc etc as he works with OW she give him extra overtime. He has much more money now than when we were together as of course as a family of 5 we had many more overheads. But OW has a history of starting things with people in relationships at work etc and being Ow to everybody ha! So I think should someone else come on the scene she would jump ship

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Unfortunately, OW is a major symptom that masks the condition and also makes it possible for it to continue.

I do agree that the other person is often a symptom. However, like all other complex relationships, there are many reasons why the relationship exists, continues, and falls apart.

My new wife's ex cheated on her and married OW. He has cheated on his new wife but they have stayed married. He is getting older and is in his upper 60's now.

My ex has supposedly broken up with OM. I don't know and I don't care. I heard that throughout the time she was with me. In counseling, she told her that she was no longer seeing him. Yep, that was a lie. In fact she was seeing him while we were together. He definitely has a pull on her.

One thing I can state is neither are in a state of bliss. In some situations, they feel stuck with the other person, they may break up but they don't come back either. It's a lot to suck it up and admit you are wrong.

Other times, they have children with the OP. This really complicates matters.

However, most relationships built on a foundation of sand collapse because there was no substance to the relationship to begin with. The money runs out, the reality of life sinks in and the euphoria is replaced with the same issues that created the affair.

For both, the critical point is that neither confront and resolve the issues that haunt them both. They just move on to the next relationship seeking the euphoria that is fleeting.

And others realize what they left and make the mental effort to return and repair.

(((Hugs )))

Ready