[sparklestar]

I know Tyks, you were the first LBS story I found on here! And I know we shouldn’t focus on them or on the OW or that relationship but in the early days everyone tells us how it’s doomed from the start it won’t last etc and that kind of makes us feel better but I guess when time has passed and that relationship hasn’t ended etc then it kind of starts to undo some of that feeling better about it that we had - make sense? I think the longer it goes on the more I wonder we’ll what if it was the right thing for him and I doubt myself all over again!

[Treasur]

I agree with so much that 1t wrote.
That we don't know the path not taken, that we made choices based on what was real then.

It is a very sad thing to allow yourself to regret love and trust and happiness.
I have chewed on it like a hungry rabbit and reached the conclusion, just like 1t has, that what I thought was real was real. I did not imagine the kind of relationship we had. It is true that with a vanisher and bc of chronology, the sharp memory of it has faded and the post BD version has elbowed it out a bit. But if I close my eyes and let myself feel it, I know what it felt like.

And tbh rationally it wouldn't be so hard to lose if I hadn't valued what I had so much.
I don't like - but I accept - that some bit of me may always stay bewildered by the change in my h...and all the changes that fell out from that.

I don't think I feel the same certainty as 1t does about what is in an MLCers head. Or not in my former h's anyway. He really said so little. And did extraordinary unimaginable things. And I know nothing about him or his life now. So it seems wiser to me to accept that I don't know but that he is no longer the same person. And that he chose a life without me in it and vice versa.

The what was the point or value thing has been running around at the back of my head. And I am gradually concluding that the question has two bits to it. The value of our shared life, of thevrelationship with him, when I was in it. And the value looked at from where I am now which of course includes the last grim few years. The first is easier...I could make a long list without much effort even if I did it in the context of assuming that my xh now sees it and me as a lie or a waste. The second is harder, much harder. I guess bc the value is further away and the costs are closer? So the cost/benefit feels a bit different. I know I have learned things in the last couple of years but tbh I am not sure I know yet how to use most of that learning. And my life is ok, much better than it was, but not 'right' yet. All of those things make it harder to say, from here, well was it worth it? And what is my story of 'us' now? It will come i suspect...I just don't know what it is yet.

And the ow issue that sparkle and tyks both mention? Hmmm, intellectually I accept that there is plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest it is not 'better'. But with a vanisher it is impossible to guess or know isn't it? What i am sure about is that he is very different from who he was, she is very different from me and therefore their relationship will be different from ours rather than a straightforward replacement. It is quite possible that it is 'better' for who he has become...neither of them are very honest or pleasant people tbh....so what matters more to me is the reality that my h stopped being able to be the kind of h I enjoyed and valued. That is/was heartbreaking. But if their marriage ended tomorrow or they live currently in misery? It would not magically restore the h I knew back to life would it? I don't believe ow broke or fixed him anymore than I could. So although the relationship played a part, maybe at times a significant part, in what happened as things unfolded...if it was not the cause, it will not be the solution and the ending of it wouldn't be the solution either if my xh remains as the person he is now. So I really do see it as pretty irrelevant to my experience of losing my h....although of course it is relevant to his life now and in the future. But not mine. Jmo.

[nah]

Clanishers...

I just love these threads.

Zero in-fighting, everybody is respectful and kind to each other. We are on the 21st thread yet we still have interesting discussions even though our spouses are ghosts.

You guys rock!!

[Milly]

Reading silently, as Nah puts it.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

[Nas]

Ditto. I always live when I get a notification of a new post on this thread.

Twenty one threads about ghosts sounds like a Duran Duran album title. 

[sparklestar]

Ha I couldn’t agree more Nah! I always think it’s ‘safe’ to post here and sadly avoid other threads even if I would like to comment!

It’s so helpful having others share their viewpoints on things we are feeling or experiencing - Treasur I think your view on it is really balanced I wish I could get to that point too!

I do know that what I had with my H was real, I remember what it feels like and I never doubted it at the time I guess it’s more a case of regardless of it once being real, it wasn’t lasting and it wasn’t as solid as I believed. It’s a sad thing to know that our partners lost that love and I know that the ILYBINILWY speech is explained as part of the MLC script but that’s not to say that love will ever return. I think what LBSs of vanishers have is less insight as to whether that love is still there.

It’s just such a unique and odd experience being ‘ghosted’ by your own husband (or wife)!

[One day at a time]

I guess I can't really call my H a true vanisher as he does reply to my mails when I send them but if we didn't have any more practicalities to talk about, I'd say he would completely disappear. That's why I find this thread interesting but maybe I shouldn't be here!!

Anyway, I reread what I wrote a few days ago and the comments after it and I probably sounded a lot worse than I really feel. I agree that there's no point in regretting the past or trying to rewrite history (MLCers cover that part!) The reason why I question things might have to do with my own story.. 

When H and I met, it was not love at first sight.. We met in work but didn't get together for a couple of years and to be honest, when he asked me out I thought about it for quite a while before accepting. The first couple of years things were a bit shaky. At some point I was ready to break it off because I felt we were too different and we wanted different things but he begged me not to, he asked me to give him a chance and I did.. Eventually we learnt how to live with our differences, our marriage was not perfect but I felt it was strong and I had no doubts I made the right choice. I know he loved me, I felt it and I'm sure about that because I also felt when that love vanished.

And then at BD a lot of what he said was what I had said to him a year or 2 into our relationship when I tried to end it.. I didn't remember much about it but after H moved out, I found a mail from my mum from that time and when I read it, it brought all of that back.. And yes, I got a bit mad with myself because I ignored my instincts back then.. But it doesn't matter at this stage, it's done and present and future is all I can control or influence.

The other thing that plays a part on how I feel is the fact that BD and everything that was said and done has also become part of the H/marriage memories.. I think it was Milly that said that BD tainted everything else, that's the way I feel too.. As a matter of fact, a lot of the good memories seem to be distant or like they belong to someone else.. Maybe that's my fault as I'm not particularly trying to remember those good days, maybe I'm afraid to feel all that again which is now lost.. My love, my hope and all the good memories are in a box somewhere and right now it feels rather pointless to get them out.. I don't have 1T's certainly that my H still loves me or that his life is a mess.. What I know seems rather crazy but maybe I'm simply seeing what I want to or what's easier to accept.

I also agree that there's no way of knowing if our lives would have been better without our spouses. But some days it's easy to think that any other life would have been better that the utter devastation we suffered.. Other days I'm able to shrug and accept. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[nah]

I guess I can't really call my H a true vanisher as he does reply to my mails when I send them but if we didn't have any more practicalities to talk about, I'd say he would completely disappear. That's why I find this thread interesting but maybe I shouldn't be here!!

This has been questioned a few times on these threads but it's been awhile and unfortunately there are always newbies, vanisher newbies as well.

Yes, some of us on here have no doubt about it real true vanishers, but they are rare.  Why is it that no one questions what "type" of MLCer they have except for the vanishers?
If a wallower walks upstairs from his cave and grabs a beer from the fridge, is he no longer a wallower?
If a clinger goes away for the weekend, is he no longer a clinger?
If a boomerang usually bounces every few weeks, but disappears and then comes back in a month, is he no longer a boomerang?

Sometimes vanishers will contact.  Mine does. I can call him right now, this second, he will answer the phone. Tomorrow is my birthday, there is a 50% chance he will contact, sometimes he does, sometimes he does not, it doesn't change the fact that he falls into no other category than a vanisher.  In the past, sometimes, we have called them low-contact (I'm not sure who came up with that, it might have been me, but I don't remember...lol)

If you feel like your MLCer is on the vanishing side, for sure, we love to have you here.

[Anjae]

Why is it that no one questions what "type" of MLCer they have except for the vanishers?

Because the other types are obvious? Because no one with a clinger thinks they have a wallower and no one with a wallower thinks they have a clinger.

A wallower of a clinger are hard to miss. Even an On/Off, which is what many on this thread have.

If the wallower goes back to wallow in the basement, the MLCer is a wallower. If the wallower starts to spend all the time upstairs they are probably no longer a wallower. The clinger will return from the weekend and probably has contacte through the weekend.

Vanishing means disappear. Mr J did not really disappear. I know where he works at, have his e-mail and phone number. What I don't have is his current home address. If I want to know it I ask if to our former accountant that remained Mr J's accountant.

One Day, Like Nah said real vanishers are rare. Therefore, aside from the few of us with a real vanisher, the rest of us do not have real vanishers.


Often the LBS considers a MLCer that isn't a super clinger or a clinger a vanisher when there is something in between, On/Off. Most of us here have On/Off MLCers.

[Ro828]

Curious...

What constitutes a real vanisher as opposed to an ordinary vanisher? If you know what's going on in their life but have no contact what category would that fall into? 

Thanks for the clarification.