[PJ Ames]

I'll chime in. My W has "just" had two EAs, so I realize my situation is a bit different. Most of what I know about them is what I've seen from my W's texts with them and their Facebook pages. I figured out pretty early on that they were a symptom rather than the problem.

Here are my observations:
* What a couple of losers!
* MOM 1 is a total creep. He obviously got his jollies asking a married, older woman about her sex life. Might not have one of his own.
* OM2 is a younger guy who lives halfway across the country. He spent a lot of time flirting and sexting with a married, older woman who lives 1000 miles away. Nobody who knows him in person likes him? Can't see any reason to.

In some ways I would have understood if these guys were professional athletes, neurosurgeons, billionaires, handsome, rich or charming. But they're not. I'm not perfect by any means, but both these idiots are clearly steps down from her H.

In our case, I think it was more about broken finding broken. It must be hard for an unhealthy person to be in a relationship with a healthy one.

[Sunandshade]

If your H hires the AP at his company with zero relevant skills is she a prostitute?

[Silver]

Now I can't honestly say anything bad about that woman.  See did not knowingly date a married man, and when she found out she broke it off.
So not all ow's are affair downs.  She was a much better person than he was.  Some just fall for a lying, married  predator.

I KNOW this is not the norm, but it does happen.

I agree Thunder. I can't find much bad to say about OM, as a matter of fact he seems to be at least a decent guy. Probably much 'better' person than XW, meaning that she was and always has been quite selfish person, dominating and never wrong in anything etc. She really wasn't the easiest person in a world to live with, I of course loved her as she was my wife I chose myself and had kids with. Still doesn't make her easy person in any way. I believe OM is much more easygoing than her, more may I say balanced person than her obviously. I see something about myself in him, quite much probably tbh (not saying I was any better person than XW or anyone) so he is really not opposite of me.

I have a theory that she had him bc she sees him as better version of me  What had her confused was that there still wasn't a 'connection' between them, not the same that we had, that's what she told me herself.

[sachat3]

Everybody is nice to somebody. I mean, Hitler for example. He got everyone in Germany a job. He brought in cars. He made sure his “people” never went hungry. So yuno, to some extent for a while he was a nice guy wasn’t he. Then the obvious happened and he killed millions. Nobody would say “Oh come on guys, Hitler isn’t all bad”. There is not a person alive that is 100% bad. Some people are 99.999999% bad. So it doesn’t really matter. The bad, when it’s really bad. Always outweighs the good.

[New Day Rising]

"Mom, Dad wasn't looking for someone better than you, he was looking for someone worse than himself."

Bingo. 

I love this and so true. Before BD, my ex used to tell me I deserved better than him and how much better I could and that I needed to meet someone like his Uncle (who in hindsight, has a shiny exterior, but a sinister interior and is not how either of us thought he was ).

He would say that he was going to end up like his dad. Alone. It hasn't happened yet, but there's time. Ha!

[engagewithlove]

"Mom, Dad wasn't looking for someone better than you, he was looking for someone worse than himself."

This!!!

In my case it was my daughters reaction to meeting the OW that confirmed it really was an AD. I really know nothing about the OW other than they worked together, she holds a decent job and she has two kids (different Dads). I don't know if she is/was married, a serial flirt, or anything about her...but after he introduced her to my kids my daughter came home and said she felt sorry for her (well almost!). She witnessed her Dad talk down to the OW, gave her no respect, she saw the OW walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. Her response was "Mum, she's nothing like you, she's got no opinions".

And yes, before BD, my ex used to tell me I deserved better than him and how he was afraid he'd turn into his abusive father.

[Not Applicable]

She witnessed her Dad talk down to the OW, gave her no respect, she saw the OW walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. Her response was "Mum, she's nothing like you, she's got no opinions".

And yes, before BD, my ex used to tell me I deserved better than him and how he was afraid he'd turn into his abusive father.

Yep, my H had an abusive father too and what you wrote is exactly how my H treats OW as well. But it's not that she doesn't have an opinion. She isn't ALLOWED to have one. This is why I think the OW is not necessarily as controlling as everyone wants to believe because I think for a lot of these MLCers, they were controlled by their abusive parents and are trying to turn the tables by controlling someone else themselves. My H told me that he wanted someone to put up with his "nastiness" and I really think he didn't want to take it out on me. In my case I swear he is playing his father's role and expects OW to be like his mother (who must have just taken the "nastiness").

[Stand Tall]

She witnessed her Dad talk down to the OW, gave her no respect, she saw the OW walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. Her response was "Mum, she's nothing like you, she's got no opinion

Wow,

  This is what I have always wondered about. Does he treat her with kindness or has he become abusive? My BD was 13 months ago and in that time I have never been monstered. Did he chose her so that he could let it all out. Two weeks before BD i caught her text on his phone one day when out shopping with H. I told him that he just broke my heart. He seemed very upset about that. I asked if we could work on us and his answer was "yes, that fat, ugly, B was not worth it to him. He BD me two weeks later and moved in with her.  I wonder just how bad it is for her. H has also said to me in the past, while drinking, that he is not a nice person. He said that's how he felt inside.

  H also had an abusive father who, to this day, has no emotions or the ability to love. Well, I did donate my egg shells to the ow. 

Message to ow, When you lye down with dogs your gonna get fleas. 

-Stand

[hopeandfaith]

Could have written the same thing as you Stand.  I think there is some sort of anger that my H is working through with ow too.  He is my knight in shining armour and when he can't sustain that, he hangs with her.

[Ro828]

My X has a very volatile relationship with his OW.   He would tell me about the knock out, drag out fights they would have.  Would even have bruises.  Once he showed up with a brace around his wrist after a brawl they had at a bar . I would listen in shock.  He always treated me with respect and kindness.  Never  once showed a volatile side.  Yet, the treatment between those two is total abuse.

Love the saying that he left for someone worse than himself.  So true.  My X's OW is an extreme AD and he too came from a household with an abusive (alcoholic turned dry alcoholic) father.  Oh, did I mention that X's OW is an alcoholic too.