[Tyks]

My xh would've "quit" if ow was no longer an option. I know this BC it happened once before while we were separated for a few months. I didn't know until we got back together (him actually crying on his hands and knees) that there was an ow. I found out when we got back together that she had a boyfriend at the time and she dumped my xh.

So had ow not continued to let herself be an option I believe he would've taken a short break and then came back to our family. my xh is to blame but with that being said, he would not have joined dating sites and chased any women. He didn't have that in him. He always had self esteem issues and fear of rejection.

Now having said that, I took myself out of the equation. I wasn't playing that game. Ow "won" in her mind but what she doesn't know is I wasn't playing.

Mego, not bashing you here ... I am speaking from experience. The people on hs who told me to get my finances in order early and work on myself were lifesavers. My xh walked out with zero debt, his car and his PlayStation THAT.IS.IT. I am sure ow thought she was getting a man who had lots to offer financially BC he looked like a very well put together man. Sad for her he loved his family so much (and felt terribly guilty) that he walked away from it all. Joke was on her but maybe she didn't care in the end BC she still moved in with him.

Anyway don't take RCR articles as literally as you are. Read them all. Don't cherry pick. Work on yourself. Be strong. You h is bound to notice one day and you will become an even more attractive force

[Not Applicable]

WHY DOES ANYONE KEEP TRYING?

Because it is a discussion thread. The discussion is not about one person. It is about a general topic. It's not trying. It's discussion for the greater good and it really doesn't matter whether one specific person heeds what is written here or not. Someone else who doesn't even post but just reads may benefit from it. One can actually learn a lot from observing others' mistakes and reflecting on one's own situation.

[Thunder]

Because it is a discussion thread. The discussion is not about one person. It is about a general topic.

Well this I agree with.  It should be a discussion on the topic asked.  Not the person.

[OffRoad]

What makes them feel as if you are slipping away?  To me, that would be an individual answer for an MLCer.  Some might care if you are "slipping away". Some might not, as it could alleviate their guilt. Some may wake up one morning and think "Wait. How did I get here?" Some may never do that.

It could be getting the divorce, or a new bf/gf, or moving away, or getting a job where you can support yourself and no longer "need" him, or stopping contact or selling the house or...or...or who knows.

If anyone had the true and definitive answer, many of us would not even be here because we'd have used it and be on the path to reconciliation if we wanted it.

What makes ME feel like I am slipping away? Detachment. Taking care of me. Making sure I will be ok on my own. Knowing that whatever life sends me, I'm going take it on, deal with it like an adult, not blame someone else for what i can't handle, be the best person I want to be, and not walk over anyone to get where I need to go.

Whether XH thinks I'm "slipping away" is a moot point. I'm not living my life for him. He gets to live his own life and reap what he has sown. Lost or not, MY  H is gone at this time. He may or may not ever turn up, or someone else may appear in his skin suit. If the skin suit turns up at my door, I'll figure out if I like him then. If someone else turns up first, I'm ok with that, too. And I'm ok alone.

[Treasur]

Perhaps the key is not about the LBS slipping away, but more about their ability to 'feel'? And indeed if they care bc they start valuing anything about you or their old self/life again. Many seem to have us mentally stuck in aspic in some way in their head, on a shelf, so I imagine they don't actually notice our absence until or unless it starts to matter to them. Some might then be a bit surprised that we are not (hopefully) and that life has moved on without them, kids are older, houses are different etc. Again, nothing about what we do...all about what is in their head.

[Not Applicable]

That's a very good point, Treasur. It's really more about feeling vs. not feeling than it is about whether they have feelings for the LBS vs. the OP. Because an MLCer is incapable of feeling for anyone.

[Thunder]

Yes I do think it's where their at in their crisis.  In the beginning they could care less if you "slip away" they probably want you to, but it may be when they are starting to come out of it they could panic that you left them alone and maybe they are losing you and they start to worry you are 'slipping away."

[Ro828]

What makes them finally quit??

There’s a myriad of reasons.  One size does not fit all.  Whatever their reason it was enough for them to walk out the door, pursue a divorce, move away (whether another city, state, country), take on another “luv” interest, ignore their children, etc.

Whatever that reason is, they’re no longer interested if you’re slipping away.  They made the unilateral decision to have a different life whether we agree with it or not.  One cannot control or manipulate another individual just because we don’t accept or agree with the choices they made.  They have the right to live the life they believe they deserve or want.  Whether right or wrong in our sight.  Personally, I don’t believe all MLCer’s are “lost”.  I believe some know exactly what they’re doing and they don’t care.  They just want out.  Which is a different topic altogether.

That said, LBS have choices as well.   Each of us have a certain amount of time in this life. Would you rather live it and experience what it has to offer or live a stagnant life by thinking that “someday” he will return to you as the man he used to be.  If that’s what you’re aiming for, you may be sorely disappointed.  It's rare they come back as the person they were pre-MLC meltdown.

The wisest council I received on these forums was to take care of myself. GAL.  My X doesn’t owe me anything regardless of how many years we were together or what he promised me.  He changed his mind.  He quit.  He wanted a different life.  I can’t change his decision.  What I can do is go and make my life the best possible life I can. For me.   If he returns, well then, I’ll cross that bridge should that happen.

[Treasur]

Strangely enough, much as it wasn't what I wanted, his wish to end our marriage and even his wish to be with someone else was not the damaging thing. It hurt me, of course, but my h had the right to choose to change his life. The bewildering damaging stuff was about the insane way he behaved in doing it and the relentless mindf**kery. The first would have left me sad and hurt; the second gave me PTSD and made me doubt my sanity.

[nah]

What makes them finally quit?

2013/2014, I read all the same advice on here.

Let go, protect yourself, live your best life, etc...

Pfft... I knew better. I KNEW my husband was coming back, I could feel he was coming back. I didn’t have to question MLC, MLC was obvious (he still fits MLC), but the old timers all said something else... time. I didn’t want to wait so I needed to find the key to hurry this up.

I read Stayed’s Husband’s letter. He felt Stayed slipping away. Well, that was the answer I was looking for. So I got to work..

I lost weight, dressed better, increased my social life and blasted it on social media. Not enough... okay, so I bumped it up a notch. I dated men that I knew would upset him. He was always a jealous man, that would get him. I dated a friend of his, I had a one night stand with a guy he threatened to stay away from me. I filed for the divorce, I pushed harder than he did to finish it,...

How more slippery could I get? 

None of it worked.

Why?

The only thing I couldn’t manipulate was HIS timeline. He ran away for a reason. He needed to go on a separate journey away from me to see if it really was me that was causing his “unhappiness”. Now, six years later I’m pretty sure he knows it wasn’t me but he missed that boat. Maybe if I did listen to the old timers and just let go instead of putting all my focus on manipulating the situation, we would be in a different place. I’ll never know the answer to that question but I do know that all that focus on him didn’t help either one of us.