This has turned into a very interesting discussion. It's painful to watch the clock waiting for stuff to happen, dissecting every behaviour or comment. It took me almost three years to fully take my eyes off the clock and direct my attention to me and my life and making the changes I wanted. And thank the powers that be that I did because I would have wasted another full five years of life and all the wonderful things that went along with it. My husband returned home just over a year ago after almost 8 years (since BD June 2000). He lived with his girlfriend the entire time and was likely seeing her for at least a year before BD - he was strange and surly and self absorbed for a couple of years before that. He alluded to his pain at the three year mark (since BD) and attempted a return at that time. That fairly quickly turned into an attempt to oust me from my home from the inside. It was a few months of cold, cruel manipulation but I dug deep and he finally went back to his girlfriend after almost 4 months. From there, they got "engaged" (yes, we're still married and never divorced - at that point we hadn't even obtained a separation agreement). I strongly feel that he never intended to obtain a divorce because that would leave him open to having to commit fully to this new relationship. He used me as an excuse, telling her I was dragging my feet. She would openly bash me online stating as much. Meanwhile, he avoided having any kind of official separation talks with me - except once when he presented me with the most ridiculous offer literally written on a napkin, stating "maybe this will stop the (OW) screaming". It's like he wanted to make it so ridiculous that I couldn't accept it.
ANYWAY...as far as him "quitting" MLC (it's still a work in progress), in our situation, he asked to come home right after our mediation while we were physically going through the contents in our home to decide who got what (early 2017). I avoided directly answering him and sort of pushed him off until, it seemed, he had worked things out with his girlfriend and things continued as before. It wasn't until the following year (early 2018) that he informed me that there had been significant changes in his life and he needed to discuss things with me. We were coming up to the forced sale of our house, as per our mediation agreement (still no signed separation agreement because he was refusing, although the financials were already signed off on and he was paying support at this time). I had assumed he decided they were going to marry and he would be requesting a divorce. Instead, he again asked to come home, stating it was for financial reasons, to be with his son and be a real part of his life, and to help me with the costs and running of the household so that i might have more free time for myself. I guess i must have seemed much more open to this line of reasoning because a week later, while I was away, he moved his stuff in. Apparently he had been packed for months. Today we live as a family and are planning to spend Christmas in some tropical location - the first real trip we will have ever taken. Is he done? I would like to think so but I'd never bet my life on it, or the life of my son, so I remain optimistically cautious where he's concerned. Never again will I allow myself to be at the mercy of any person, financially or emotionally. Much left to earn (trust, respect, etc...), he has. As long as he keeps going in his current direction, the sweeter his life will be
I have often thought of what Stayed's husband said in his letter. I know many of us have. I do believe my husband thought he could easily just walk away at any time but he became trapped. He said so himself. My assumption was by his girlfriend. I think it had way more to do with this crisis. He could not escape that. I've said it before and I'll say it again here: he will quit when the pain of staying (with OW, in his crisis) outweighs the pain of leaving. No timeline with that, it just is what it is.
I had read somewhere previously that everyone goes through a "life cycle" every 7 to 10 years. So this quote stuck out to me:
Stayed's H' return was fairly quick (short time with OW) but it took a long time before truly reconciled.
RCR's H's return were many, to and fro claiming he wanted RCR but still had OW and the whole thing took several years.... Barbie's H's return may have been quick (yet again short time with OW) but it has been a very turbulent time for her and still not settled.
Yes, their returns seemed quick but the total time of settling down would likely be closer to the 7 year mark. Those who go through seemingly deeper or stronger crises might take two full cycles. Interesting thought...
I quickly hopped on the Google to see if I could locate the article I had read but found this, which I think sums stuff up pretty well.
https://www.yourtango.com/2018313160/how-your-mind-body-changes-every-7-yearsI'll just copy a few relevant parts here... (if i'm not allowed, I apologize in advance)
42-49 years:
This is the stage when major changes in our lives take place. We self-introspect and take major turns be it in career or relationships. If we haven’t made any mark in life already, we try to achieve it at this age. Emotional love is more of an unconditional love now but a lot of us tend to retain that emotional age of a child. This is the age we start discarding stereotypes and believing in ourselves.
49-56 years:
This is the age of spiritual awakening. With the loss of our strength and vitality, we look inwards. We accept the changes in our bodies. For the ones who haven’t realized who they are and what’s their purpose in life, this age is the age of extreme depression.
56-63 years:
This is the age of accepting inner peace and embrace tranquillity in life. There’s a great shift in adjusting to our aging bodies, our relationships and our changing perceptions of the world around us.
Now this is what we all deal with so imagine someone who somehow missed gaining the "tools" needed to deal with this types of upheavals along the way.
I could ramble on, but I think I'll stop here
What makes them finally quit??
Author
Topic: