[Shockandawe]

My sisters om lived in another country and began as an EA.

She didn’t realise she had had a MLC until I told her about my h and the things he did and said. They were so similar and she said she knew what it was to feel nothing. That’s when she began telling me about what happened and her experiences.

It’s definitely to make them feel something in my view and the ap is important at least for now. In her case the old saying familiarity breeds contempt seems appropriate.

[RedStar]

My sister is my greatest advisor given she’s had first hand experience of MLC.
She started to wake up or as she calls it, her heart started to thaw and feelings started to return when the om became annoying in that his habits which, whilst in the fog she ignored or brushed aside. She said she started to see this person in the cold light of day as she says.

She started first to find him annoying then aggravating and she realised she had absolutely nothing in common with him, found conversation a chore and spent as much time as possible away from him. In the end she said her feelings were returning for her h and it was like she could see clearly for the first time in a long time.

The day to day living with the om was not what she thought it would be when deep in the fog. As time progressed and small annoyances appeared she awakened more and more.

I’m seeing her this week end so I shall ask her lots of questions 😁

This is fascinating, Shock. Thank you. And thanks to your sister. I'm sure lots of us are interested to hear whatever else you and she are willing to share about it all.

[RedStar]

It’s definitely to make them feel something in my view and the ap is important at least for now.

I think some of the confusion on this thread over the meanings of certain statements is because we are using them in different contexts.

For example, when RCR and others say that the AP is "nothing" or "not important," they don't mean that the MLCer doesn't think they're important. On the surface, the MLCers put the AP ahead of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in their lives. But it is a *false* importance. We see some of them admit this when they wake up.

In my view, RCR et al mean that in actuality--as opposed to MLCer fantasy opinion--the AP is ultimately just a cardboard cutout that will be tossed out when her/his role has been played. (Yes, there do seem to be exceptions. But mostly, not!) Until they learn more about MLC, most LBSs seem to wonder at first how the AP is "better," but we see over and over and over again that APs are generally a lot *worse* people than we are by many measurements. They are not some great love that the MLCer has climbed a ladder to but more like a random rag doll who "could have been anyone" in the sense that they're just an available loser/golddigger/dumsel in distress that a broken, emotionally devoid MLCer trips over and falls into a trap with in desperation. That's all. The "relationship" seems to be ultimately superficial and teenagery.

And, surprisingly often, the MLCer verbalizes negative views of the AP at the SAME TIME they are obsessed with them. That was true with mine. This is love? NOPE. More like sick addiction.

These APs have learned to use their wiles, shall we say, to survive because of their own early life experiences. They are parasites who know, consciously or not, that broken suckers will take care of them if they dance the right dance. But some MLCers are only temporarily quite that broken while many APs are permanently so, and so for some of the APs, the gravy train ends.

That's how I think of what we've been advised, anyway. And nothing I've seen in my world contradicts that...it has been pretty textbook so far, taking into account that all MLC tales are also unique.

[Shockandawe]

Exactly Red

I think they climb down not up.
My h met the ow at work and she knew full well he’s married from day one. Didn’t stop her though. Affair down in every sense because no one with morals would go after a married man!!!

He’s not kind toward what he says about her either. Refers to her as that stupid c*w!

I take advice from heros spouse and my sister and avoid anything to do with his ap, any of his drama and get on with looking after me!

I’m going to ask my sister lots and lots this weekend she’s willing to enlighten us. 😁😁

[megogirl]

I’m going to ask my sister lots and lots this weekend she’s willing to enlighten us.

Please tell her that there's a whole bevy of LBS's that would love to pick her brain!

[Shockandawe]

Mego,

She’s happy to help. One of the things she said which resonates a lot is that deep in the recesses of her brain she knew the relationship with om was not right but felt compelled to do it. That it was like a fix of feeling good and it was all she thought about that nothing else mattered.
That she thought she hated her h and his pressure made her feel justified in doing what she was doing but the guilt she felt throughout her MLC was massive.

[One day at a time]

I've been following this thread, a lot of very interesting comments!! I never met OW and I have no idea what she's really like.. the 1000s of selfies in her social media make her look very immature which I guess matches my H emotional age right now.. If she will help or hinder, time will tell but for as long as she's around I have 0 interest in H

I’m going to ask my sister lots and lots this weekend she’s willing to enlighten us. 😁😁

I'm also very interested!! Thank you and your sister!

[Standing Strong]

I think we'll need a Shockwave's sister thread.....  (another thought) would she be willing to join the board and interact with us? Former MCL'ers insights are sooooo rare.

-SS

[Anjae]

I think some of us may be taking about a different thing when we say the affair has no purpose. The affair fills a void, as do other MLC behaviours. OW/OM make the depressed MLCer fell something and strike their ego. That is different from the affair having a purpose in MLC resolution and/or solving the MLCer's issues.

If OW/OM/the affair would solve the MLCer's issues, whatever those may be, after the affair the MLCer would be done with MLC and healed. That is not the case. MLCers return broken, or are broken when they try to return and now, having had an affair, have even more issues than before to deal with.

Withdrawal is not a stage for RCR. It is for Conway and HB, their Withdrawal stage is not the same as OW/OM withdrawal. People have withdrawal from whatever/whomever they are addicted or infatuated with. It does not mean there is some deep meaning to it, it is just a normal neurobiological reaction.

Anon, the forgiveness I am talking about is not related to reconnection or reconciliation. If is forgiveness in a wider sense and it is for us. I have no idea how forgiveness works/is with a reconnecting MLCer. I always say forgiving a away MLCer or a MLCer we are done with is easy compared with forviging a returning MLCer. Forgivness has layers and does not come all at once.

Anon's original question is if the affair helps or hinders the MCLer journey through their crisis, not so much if there is a purpose to the affair.

I think we'll need a Shockwave's sister thread.....  (another thought) would she be willing to join the board and interact with us?

That would be interesting.

Former MCL'ers insights are sooooo rare.

Rare, but not so rare. Several HS member had a MLC. Try BusyBee or Sewing 22 threads. Myself, Ready2 and others also had a MLC, but a few of us did not had OW/OM because we did not broke the marriage, MLC come with our spouse's BD.

There are are threads from other former MLCers. HS member or not as well as views from MLCers people on HS know/heard of. Look from them in the main board and archives.

Shockwave, a MLCer knowing the relationship with OW/OM is wrong but feeling compeled to go for it is one of the trademarks of the MLC affair.  So is the hating spouse as well as feeling guilty (even if I think some MLCers, especially long term ones are very good at hidding or numbing their guilt, especiallly if the have a second OW/OM or a third, fourth, etc.).

Just like there is a MLC script there a post MLC scrip for the MLCer who had OW/OM. Did you sister left her husband? Not all MLCers who have an alienator leave and go live with OW/OM.

[Standing Strong]

I agree with Anjae,
It's about feeling something, and that is a purpose.... does it move them forward? I think it does. It's an identity crisis, they have to figure out who they are.
A followup question to that (for me) is...... do some MCL'ers flat out refuse to have a PA because of what's left of their morals? Obviously many or most either don't have morals during this, or they are so desperate they don't care. Since they do have guilt during the whole thing.... that suggests some level of morals at work.

-SS