[nah]

Mitzpah,

Sounds to me  like you found a healthy way to move forward that works for you.

Newbies are lucky to have you on this forum.

[Nerissa]

Some on here believe the MLCers did not “choose” pretty much any of it. That was how this discussion thread broke off. I asked a simple question on the MLCer thread. I asked (paraphrased) if she (the former MLCer) felt accountable for her actions.

That’s when the thread blew up. Some felt I was out of line bc when she was “in the fog”, they felt she didn’t have a choice. They felt she was compelled to do it the things she did and couldn’t stop herself from her actions.

I’m not saying I agree with the “devil made me do it” or whatever you want to call it,...
Did you read the thread?

This always resonates with me.  H told me he didn’t know why he was doing the things he was doing.  He said he felt compelled.  I asked whether not knowing why he was doing what he was doing didn’t make him think that he needed help.  I didn’t add that I think doing things and not knowing why is a marker of insanity, although I was tempted,  since I know these people aren’t that incapacitated.  He didn’t reply.

I’ve heard the same question from professionals - didn’t that suggest to him that he needed support? So I don’t feel I was being judgemental.  I was always staggered at the lack of introspection and self awareness that allows people to be so destructive and not go for help.  I mean there’s plenty available.  I’ve since learned about personality structure etc, and some of us have personality adaptations  more prone to escape into  fantasy or manic behaviour.  I still think it’s odd though, especially when everyone around them is looking aghast and warning them of consequences. 

So whether they can help it or not, they know it’s going to end in tears so why not get some support ? 

[Thundarr]

I'll jump in and post my thoughts on the next thread as this one is getting ready to close, but I'm really surprised that in 16 pages no one has mentioned the empirically validated concept of hypergamy in relation to why at least female spouses leave in what we tend to classify as MLC.....

[Songanddance]

Locking this thread.  This thread was split off from a discussion which emerged on a story thread.
If anyone wants to start a subsequent one then please do so but I suggest that the word justification is removed.
Thanks

[Finding Joy]

LP-This is such an interesting thread topic.  I am 38, my hubby is 42 and bd was Oct.  At that time my kids were 4,7,12,14.  So I fit your category.

The rules on this site say to live as if they are not coming back.  Protect your finances, focus on yourself and your kids etc.

For myself personally, I consider myself a stander to a point.  I am not planning on pursuing a divorce and will stay in the marriage so long as it is in tact.  That said, I have protected my finances with a separation agreement and staying married is financially to my benefit.  The kids are no more exposed to the MLC crap than they would be if we were divorced, and my boundaries(as per this site) are firmly in place.  I demand respect and enforce the boundaries.

I am healing and detached from him, wanting nothing of who he is currently.  I am however very traumatized and would be either way.

I very much so believe for me standing really means healing, growing, focusing on my kids, and forgiveness.  I am not a forever stander.  In two years he will be relocated(he plans to divorce me, and I plan to fight for me and the kids financially.  That said, if he pulls an MLC and does not divorce me, but still does not want the marriage, I will divorce him.  As FL has permanent alimony and TX does not.

So to me when this site says protect yourself financially, that can look different for each of us.

Also, protecting our kids is different for each of us.  My husband is still somewhat being a good Dad.  I guess as much as an MLCer can.  We are military and as soon as we divorce I lose healthcare, and me and the kids will get kicked out of our affordable base housing.  The kids would then be moved to a different state from their father.  So, by staying, I am putting them first.  They need time to work through their Daddy issues and that is so much easier living in the same area.

The number 1 reason I stand is for my kids, not myself.  I would be gone if not for them.  But, I can see how if the rules of standing are not in place it can be very damaging to all involved.  I want my kids to see me as a strong capable woman who is willing to have compassion and work through a bad situation.

My husbands mom had an MLC, and tried to come back after two years.  She was denied.  Now she is accountable for her actions, but I do believe had she been allowed back she would have been strong enough to heal.  Instead, she went on to hurt her kids and her kids spouses until this day.  She married 4-5 times, is broke, sick and still lives in a fantasy.  Because my husband never healed, he is repeating.  Their is no one sized fits all answer for the best approach.  In my situation I have seen both sides.  Also, in my situation my kids will live in a different state from their Dad if he does not come home in the next two years.  So the stakes are high.

I could tell several more stories of how divorcing the MLCer still ends in tragedy even if the lbs finds a good new husband.  Because the kids connect some of us forever and so long as they are crazy, it will hurt the kids.  I am only trying to limit that hurt. I do accept either outcome(divorce or reconciliation), and believe either will have severe challenges.  Biblically, I do believe if we can fight for our marriage, we should, but it takes two, and at a certain point, I will move on.