[Velika]

I'm sorry, these men are sick. Many probably have permanent brain damage. This is deeply sad, but until this is recognized as a true mental illness and we have the protection we need, many of us are on our own.

Yes, agape is a deeply important human value. It means we feel love for all our fellow humans. Does this mean we let them all into our home, trust them with our bank account number, hand our children over to them? No!

Some MLCers are more mild. They don't move out, may just skulk about, hard to live with, not so nice etc. etc. In this case, and if you have children and important shared financial assets, yes, by all means it is up to you and your judgement to hope that they can recover and by not exacerbating the situation, not driving them to more extreme behavior.

I was heavily, heavily coached by my therapist and lawyer on how not to make the situation worse. Other people recommended Out of the Fog website, which is helpful for specifics on how to deal with a disordered person. You can find similar advice on narcissism abuse and psychopathic abuse websites. Is this "paving the way"? Not really. It is more about tailoring your behavior and expectations so that you do not react in a way as if you are dealing with a psychologically/neurologically healthy human being, and to avoid inviting more damage and trauma.

[UrsaMajor]

I'm sorry, these men are sick. Many probably have permanent brain damage. This is deeply sad, but until this is recognized as a true mental illness and we have the protection we need, many of us are on our own.

Yes, agape is a deeply important human value. It means we feel love for all our fellow humans. Does this mean we let them all into our home, trust them with our bank account number, hand our children over to them? No!

And the female Mid-Lifers? What about them? Permanent Brain Damage? Depression? Both? Neither?

The point of the thread is what you consider to be "paving the way" and not, as XYZ noted, whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.

Treasur and Acorn have it right - While there are some general characterizations and "scripts," just like every person is different, every situation is different. Using the broad-brush generalization scheme is counterproductive. Likewise, projection of one's own issues to the situations of others is as well....

[Acorn]

Xyzcf said: RCR asked "what do you think it means to pave the way?" not whether or not paving the way was a good or bad thing for the LBSer.

Trust xyz to yank us from the meandering garden path! 

You are quite right.  Threads can very easily get diverted to subjects totally unrelated to the original question.

So, back to the question.  ‘What do you think it means to Pave the Way’

And, straight away to the garden path! 

I do think another question needs to be asked even before this one.  You have actually summarized what many were trying to express: Is paving a good or bad thing for the LBS? 

Another question that naturally flows from ‘Is paving a good or bad...’ is: Does ‘paving the way’ reinforce, or provide an outlet for, LBSs’ fabulous fixing tendencies?  That we can do something to bring MLCer back? 

On the one hand, we are told there is nothing we can do about MLC or MLCer.  On the other, there is a message (pave the way) that CAN be interpreted as, rightly or wrongly, there IS something we can do to influence the chances of MLCer returning.  After all, many joined the forum in the hope of reconciliation, so, it’s not that difficult to interpret the message this way.

The discussion so far shows that some have misgivings about the pressure LBS feels when faced with ‘pave the way’ message when we are actually trying to stay alive in a devastating emergency situation.  After one has recovered and can see the woods for the trees, can we turn our attention to paving for others.  Until then, and who knows how long, we are way too busy paving our own and that of our children. 

There I go again down the meandering garden path...

[xyzcf]

I have never felt any "pressure" to "pave the way" or else. It is one of the many suggestions and thoughts that were written about in the articles and on the forum but I don't recall newbies being told this is what they must do.

I had a thought when I read Acorn's post. I have high cholesterol and a family history of stroke. I do not tolerate statins. I am trying to follow a Mediterranean diet, I exercise regularly, I quit smoking 35 years ago, I take fish oil supplements. None of these things will necessarily prevent me from having a stroke, or perhaps they will lessen the severity or maybe I will even live longer but I do them anyway because it makes sense to me that these things could change my physiology and allow me to live a heathy and longer life. No matter how many lifestyle changes I make, I may very well still end up dying of a stroke.

They are my choices, just like "paving the way" is a choice I made. I don't know if it will make a difference and in my experience no one on HS has every said it would, but it is how I wish to live and how I wish to treat the person I have loved so many years.

I am really sorry if new LBSers find this harmful to their healing but I think the issue is that they are trying to find a "solution" and so they will hold on to whatever life preserver happens to float by them. There are many LBSers who pay "experts" to try and resolve their marriage problems, I for one must have bought 100 books that I read looking for a way to solve this mess....is it harmful for people to look for something that they think might help?

I get the sense that some people want us to remove the words "paving the way" from the literature that has been accumulated and presented......I think this is more of a problem of people taking every word as solid gold, rather than taking what works for you and disregarding the rest.

Should we eliminate "paving the way" from the discussion for those who feel this has harmed them? What about those who feel this concept has helped them? Do they not count as well?

No one is forcing anyone to "pave the way", no one is telling you that "paving the way" will bring your spouse home.

[Nas]

FWIW, when I first came here, I too was hoping for reconciliation.  I wasn't so much looking for someone to tell me how to reconcile, but more aptly (and I think we ALL do this in the beginning), I initially just wanted to read someone tell me that I WOULD reconcile.

I wanted someone to say "This is a journey that always ends and he WILL wake up one day and come home."

That phase ended quickly for me, as it does for most of us.  Reality sets in.  Then we read the articles and blogs with a clear mind and most of us realize that RCR's situation was unique to her and we must take what applies to us but know that some (much) of it will not apply to us.

To me, paving the way never had anything to do with divorcing or not divorcing.  It simply had to do with not reacting to the madness, not displaying the explosive anger I felt at times over these mind boggling things my H was doing that I never in a million years thought he'd do.

It's funny, in a sense, I do think Velika described my version of paving of the way when she talked about the Out of the Fog advice: "medium chill," don't react, stay in neutral, etc.

But I don't think all the MLCers described on this site are dangerous.  Some are, and protecting the LBS and children in those cases is far and away more important than any "paving." 
Some are very mild and some are even financially responsible.  And I agree that divorcing or not is a personal choice.  I personally now wish I had done it immediately, even before I found HS, because waiting and then thinking he would engage in a normal divorce process hurt me very badly financially.  But I think that's a separate issue from paving the way.

I had moments early on where I reacted badly and let my H have it.
When I was still standing, I learned to not react and to me, that was the extent of paving the way - letting him see that I was not going to explode with anger over everything. 

When I stopped standing, that didn't change.  Because it's who I am now.  Letting him have it doesn't benefit me and doesn't feel good, so I simply don't do it.  Not to draw him back, just because it suits me better.

[Acorn]

I have never felt any "pressure" to "pave the way" or else. It is one of the many suggestions and thoughts that were written about in the articles and on the forum but I don't recall newbies being told this is what they must do.

.......

I am really sorry if new LBSers find this harmful to their healing but I think the issue is that they are trying to find a "solution" and so they will hold on to whatever life preserver happens to float by them.

........

No one is forcing anyone to "pave the way", no one is telling you that "paving the way" will bring your spouse home.

Exactly.  It’s the readers’ response to ‘pave the way’ I’m talking about. 
I think it is worthwhile to note the target audience’s response, as I kind of alluded to in the following quote, if the author is asking questions of them with the view of revising the article. 

I opine that it’s not about removing the word ‘paving’.  It’s about clarifying the subject. 

On the one hand, we are told there is nothing we can do about MLC or MLCer.  On the other, there is a message (pave the way) that CAN be interpreted as, rightly or wrongly, there IS something we can do to influence the chances of MLCer returning.  After all, many joined the forum in the hope of reconciliation, so, it’s not that difficult to interpret the message this way.

I just read Nas’ post. 
I regarded ‘medium chill’, etc. as paving my own way.  It helped me slowly gain detachment and live my life well despite H’s shenanigans.   That - living well - turned out to be the best kind of paving that could have been done.  He could go about doing whatever he needed to do to heal from MLC without worrying that I would keel over and end up in the hospital because of him.

[Thunder]

Funny thing is "Paving the way" is generally done in the beginning before the MLCer is too far in the tunnel, but when you first come here I don't think your head is ready for paving the way yet.

You're shocked and confused and just looking for answers.  Some are still doing the begging and trying to get their spouse to change their mind.

By the time the articles start making sense it is usually way after BD.
In my opinion, once they are in the tunnel paving the way doesn't work.

I think that is why you see people do everything wrong and yet they end up reconnecting and others who do everything right don't end up back together.  I personally don't think it matters what you do.  If they want to come back, they just will.

Now I'm not saying you should treat them bad, just treat them like you would anyone else.  Polite and respectful and have zero expectations. 

[RedStar]

I don't think that paving the way is about us being able to influence an MLCer.

It's more like, what are the actions we can take (or not take) to maintain an atmosphere in which he or she might feel safest to return IF he or she ever wakes up? That's all. We are merely creating circumstances the best we can while we live our lives as if the MLCer is not coming back. We can do both at the same time.

We learn what actions could damage this atmosphere, and we learn what face we can show an MLCer who we know won't respond to us for years but may remember later how we treated them while they were out of their minds.

[Acorn]

Funny thing is "Paving the way" is generally done in the beginning before the MLCer is too far in the tunnel, but when you first come here I don't think your head is ready for paving the way yet.

You're shocked and confused and just looking for answers.  Some are still doing the begging and trying to get their spouse to change their mind.

By the time the articles start making sense it is usually way after BD.
In my opinion, once they are in the tunnel paving the way doesn't work.

Shoot, Thunder, you ‘stole’ what I was just about to post!

What you have said about the inconvenient timing of effective paving reinforces my thought that picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off is the prelude to Paving.  If we can march forward and focus on making a good life for us and kids after ‘picking up and dusting off’, that, I consider, is Paving Proper.

What we accomplish with our lives despite MLCer is the beacon, in my humble opinion. 

[Thunder]

"but may remember later how we treated them"

Exactly!

Yes Acorn that is proper paving in my book too.