[Anjae]

SS's is no different than any other HS member.

HS member are often given 2x4 and not always loving ones. They are also often told they still need to heal/grow/have work to do.

SS's feelings are hers, as mine are mine. Her views on her MLC are hers, as my views on her MLC and on my MLC are mine. And she is free to have her view on my MLC.

As a former MLCer and someone who has former MLCers in the family and former MLCer friends, SS's views on MLC - here I am talking of MLC in general - and several of her responses to LBS leave me uncomfortable.

What I really like? SS's clearly tells the MLCer could not care less about the LBS while deep in crisis/Replay. We don't exist, we're less than trash and it does not matter if we starve, are ill, have no money. Makes no difference, MLCers of a certain level of MLC do not care.

[Thunder]

This may sound silly, but I have to admit, even being on this board for years, SS did help me to understand what was going through my MLCer's mind during his BD time, much better than anything else I read.

I mean I knew his emotions were shut off, that was obvious.  But her explanation was so clear.  It had absolutely nothing to do with me.  I understood that, but she made me REALLY understand it.
He, at that point in time, did not care one speck about me.

It was completely all about him and his need to divorce me because he felt trapped.  Just wanted to get rid of me.  He was always decent to me so I never thought that way.

It's very hard for a spouse of many years, who were always very much loved, to come to grips with that.  You're so confused, thinking you a HAD to have done something wrong and you try to fix it, but you really can't because you are no where on their radar at the time.  You couldn't fix it no matter what you do.

Maybe this has helped a lot of confused LBS newbies to realize that much sooner by reader SS's posts.
Possible stop them sooner from making mistakes we all made.
You can't reach them so don't even try.  You are the enemy.  You may as well go on a few year vacation and leave them to it.

So I do thank SS for all her replies to questions.

I don't believe SS is no different than any other HS member.  She went through a crisis and destroyed her family.  None of us LBS's did that.

[Anjae]

This may sound silly, but I have to admit, even being on this board for years, SS did help me to understand what was going through my MLCer's mind during his BD time, much better than anything else I read.

Interesting. I recall several HS members who had a MLC and other former MLCer writing exactly the same and explaining it the same. Or maybe to be it is the same.

I always knew it had nothing to do with me and as for getting rid of me, Mr J tried to kill me. It is hard to be more clear than that. 


SS's does not help me to understand what is going on with Mr J. She is very different from him. She also had a short MLC and OM ended in one and a half year. It is apples and oranges. My mild short crisis is closer to SS's one than Mr J's one.


SS's also writes in a mix of Mr J's OW1 way of writing and the way Mr J wrote to OW1. So, of course, no help there. When I read her, I read the same style and tone those two use to write to each other.

You may as well go on a few year vacation and leave them to it.

IMO, with a few exceptions, you may as well divorce them and never look back. Because most of them do not tend to have short crisis and tend to do much, much worst than SS's did. And she already did a lot.

As for the MLCer needing to divorce or whatever the LBS. Maybe. It just happens the LBS also has needs that are not being meet by the MLCer and will not be meet by the MLCer for years on end We often forget LBS have needs and over worry with the MLCer's needs.

I don't believe SS is no different than any other HS member.  She went through a crisis and destroyed her family.  None of us LBS's did that.

Some of us LBS did just that. There are LBS on HS that had a MLC and destroyed their family. Have we already forgot them? Not all LBS on HS had a MLC like mine and Ready2's. SS's is also not the first MLCer who destroyed the family that has been on HS.

What I meant is that 2 x 4 and the healing, growth, etc. questions are as valid to a LBS as to a MLCer.

Another thing I like in SS's story even if it is not a good/happy one. She is not reconciled, her LBS moved on and has a new life.

When I, like a broken record, say that most MLCers will come out of MLC and want back, but most will not reconcile, people seem to be upset with it.

However, that is both my HS and real life experience. SS's and several other former MLCer we have had on HS confirm it, as, so far do every high energy MLCer I know in real life - my wallower cousin was different, he went nowhere, no OW, just overtly depressed.

In the end, it is up to the LBS. As, IMO, it should be.

[megogirl]

SS's is no different than any other HS member.

She is VERY different.  Why do you suppose everyone wants to read everything she has to say?

HS member are often given 2x4 and not always loving ones.

Maybe it's just me, but I am 48 YEARS OLD and never once asked for a "2 x 4", from anyone.

But should someone have the gumption to offer one anyway, I find it thoroughly unwarranted and condescending. 

[Anjae]

She is VERY different.  Why do you suppose everyone wants to read everything she has to say?

In the context of 2 x 4 and the growth and healing. That was my she is no different.


When Busy_Bee and Denje and other HS members that had a MLC or when another MLCer or former MLCer come by people would do the same they are doing now with SS's.

SS's is no different than the other HS members that have a MLC or are former MLCers.

Maybe you haven't been here long enough to notice that it is not the first time someone like SS's comes along?


2x4 are not asked for. They are given. Including by RCR and the mods. And have been since HS exists. They are part of HS.

[Thunder]

Yes Den is another recovered MLCer who helped many people.  Sis and Den were both very helpful.

I guess I'm just not one to give 2x4's,  but then I don't believe in NC (unless they are very abusive) or in Truth Darts much either.  But that's just me.

I'm not saying I'm against a gentle 2x4, it's just not me to do it.  I would rather find another way.

[xyzcf]

2x4 are not asked for. They are given. Including by RCR and the mods. And have been since HS exists. They are part of HS.

I do not talk to people or support people by giving them a 2 x 4. This idea of hitting someone over the head with a 2 x 4 piece of wood is a very violent ideology and it is NOT shared by all members on HS.

There are times when I will disagree with someone, or perhaps suggest another side or point of view.

But I am against delivering blows to other LBSers who are doing the best they can to manage.

2 x 4's are not necessarily given to promote healing in another LBSer...but often to prove that the person delivering the
2 x 4 knows more than another or always has to be right or have the last say.

[megogirl]

2x4 are not asked for. They are given. Including by RCR and the mods. And have been since HS exists. They are part of HS.

RCR can say whatever she wants because it's HER site.  Not the mods, not the members, not the lurkers.  Certainly not random posters who happen to have been here for years on end, and thus feel they have some strange sense of "senority."

I have been here for almost three years and am very familiar with Denjef31, and busy_bee, etc.  All are extremely valuable to this community.  But ShockSis is here regularly, while the others are more sporadic at this point.  She is to be respected and appreciated, and I certainly don't think she needs any 2 X 4's from anyone. 

She has made her decision and I think she knows what's best for HER situation - not random people on a website.

[Anjae]

Yes Den is another recovered MLCer who helped many people.  Sis and Den were both very helpful.

Don't forget Bee. Even Ready2, just to name a few more.

I don't see a 2 x 4 as hitting someone over the head with anything. Nor do I see them as violent. There was nothing violent in what Treasur said.

I don't understand the fuss over a 2 x 4, something that has existed since HS exists nor over what Treasur said.

RCR allows people to give 2 x 4. I think there are even blog posts or post by RCR about the matter.

But ShockSis is here regularly, while the others are more sporadic at this point. 

Exactly. SS's is the current former MLCer willing to take questions who is around more.

We are all random strangers on a website.

[OffRoad]

I personally don’t feel I owe my ex h an apology for the fact I wasn’t capable of controlling my own mind though I feel deeply sorry for what happened there is a difference. Ultimately I didn’t have control of entering MLC, it just happens to some people at certain times in their lives.
I do hope this helps in some way to understand that the MLCer is no more responsible for this than a random lightning bolt hitting your house.
I still stand by my thoughts that MLCers should not ever be allowed to sign legal papers etc.

As I re read the post which I believe caused all the confusion and questioning,  SS feels she doesn't owe her xh an apology for being, in her experience, incapable of controlling her own mind, but that she is sorry it happened. It looks like a disconnect between the reader and writer happened because while there is mention of being sorry it happened,  there is no mention of there ever being an apology for the "sorry it happened" portion of the MLC.  This leaves the reader wondering why someone would not apologize (as in ever) for the actions that hurt another., intentional or not, 

It's interesting, because I don't recall anyone saying a person should apologize for having an mlc. Just for the hurt the mlc caused (at least at some point).  And then some people appear to not need an apology for being treated poorly. As I struggle to understand why apologies seem to be so difficult, the differing perspectives show why interpersonal relationships are fraught with miscommunication.