[Shockandawe]

Thank you all for your words but I have made my decision on this and will not be moved from it.
If my ex h were to ask me anything about my MLC of course I would answer truthfully but I will not bring it up no matter how much I have thought about it. To say it would give him some answers I have no doubt it would but would it also be to salve my own conscience?
He is married and has small children. We get on ok now and I see no reason to throw the curve ball so to speak. If he needs me to tell him he will ask. He never has and I will not rock the boat.
I will know when the time is right. It is my decision and I will not change it. This has been discussed on here many times and every time it is brought up I say the same thing.
Please respect my reasoning and decision on this.

[1trouble]

SS

I read this thread today and I couldn't comment on it at the time,

Of course I understand the hurt of an LBS BUT I would urge those who have said why they feel this its important for SS to talk to her H to look at the reasons you have given.

There has been mention of feeling that their whole marriage was a lie (sorry that may not be accurate paraphrasing but that's the way I interpreted it) and also triggers....BUT IMO and my experience you have to own your own feelings, thoughts and triggers and look into why you feel that way.

Don't get me wrong I can completely understand the hurt pain and devastation and the fleeting thoughts that maybe it was us that had it all wrong BUT our reactions are ours to own and you have to ask why you are now trying to rewrite your history? and why you have these triggers?

We can let an experience destroy us or we can learn and move forward.
We can define our worth through another or know our worth.

We are on a site for people in crisis, we can decide whether we make someone elses crisis be our own crisis or whether we are going to ensure we are not going to be defined by what has happened and stay in a state of shock and inertia and blame it on what happened to us.

I don't mean this to be harsh but it really is that simple (not in the beginning but as time goes on)

because we are in charge of our thoughts and we are in charge of our lives.

I think what Nerissa said was very powerful

I have said before and I will say again, I respect SS for the decision she has made, I completely understand it in the context of everything she has shared BUT even if I didn't then its her life and she knows her H far more than we do AND I really appreciate everything she shares.

And IMO (not that it matters to her) she is being selfless and respectful to her H...….

[Treasur]

Thank you all for your words but I have made my decision on this and will not be moved from it.
If my ex h were to ask me anything about my MLC of course I would answer truthfully but I will not bring it up no matter how much I have thought about it. To say it would give him some answers I have no doubt it would but would it also be to salve my own conscience?
He is married and has small children. We get on ok now and I see no reason to throw the curve ball so to speak. If he needs me to tell him he will ask. He never has and I will not rock the boat.
I will know when the time is right. It is my decision and I will not change it. This has been discussed on here many times and every time it is brought up I say the same thing.
Please respect my reasoning and decision on this.

Shock Sis, i hear you, understand and respect that bc your xh has not asked, unlike some of us perhaps, your way of loving him now is to not rock the boat for selfish reasons. Thank you for explaining a little more about the context for your choice and of course we respect that it is yours to make.

IT...that was an unusually strong kind of message from you. I agree with much of what you say. Yet I am obviously a failure at this. Why? I simply cannot reconcile the eyes of the h I knew who I know loved me with the reality that the man with the same face wished I would be burnt to death. Whatever it takes to bridge that gap, I simply haven't found it yet. It may seem simple to you, but it is beyond me.  No amount of 'owning' anything changes that and tbh it seems quite reasonable and sane to me that I still find it completely inexplicable to reconcile with our/my history as I recall it hence the moments of doubt. It remains a very messy thing to live with and it would be a gift to ever hear some kind of explanation for it from the person who actually owns it. Bc I had a normal life and so much of this s$it is not normal, not even close. It would be nice to feel that my doubt is respected given the black hole that my h vanished into bc it is my reality even if it is not the same for others.

[1trouble]

IT...that was an unusually strong kind of message from you. I agree with much of what you say. Yet I am obviously a failure at this. Why? I simply cannot reconcile the eyes of the h I knew who I know loved me with the reality that the man with the same face wished I would be burnt to death. Whatever it takes to bridge that gap, I simply haven't found it yet. It may seem simple to you, but it is beyond me as yet. No amount of 'owning' anything changes that and tbh it seems quite reasonable and sane to me that I still find it completely inexplicable to reconcile with our/my history as I recall it. So it remains a very messy thing to live with and it would be a gift to ever hear some kind of explanation for it from the person who actually owns it.

Treasur

I am sorry you saw it as a strong message, It wasn't meant that way.

Let me explain....you said in an earlier message you were giving SS a 'gift' but IMO you were not (maybe unintentionally) I felt you were trying to guilt her into talking to her H

But part of the reason IMO is because you are struggling to reconcile the H that was to the person he is ATM...

Now that is not a failure on your part and why I highlighted that part of your post is because this is something I was trying to say.

You have mentioned NLP before and its these emotive words that maybe are holding you back...you are NOT a failure but if you see yourself as one then you will be.

I know how tempting it is to go down the path of trying to make the person who "is" now 'fit'  in our heads BUT we then do that by doubting ourselves, by 'owning' the problem, by saying we must have missed something, maybe they were always this way and 'we' didn't see it, its not helpful (again imo)

Its mentioned over and over again on here and has been throughout the years of wanting to have 'that conversation' with our MLC'ers, but what does that really achieve?

Does it make us feel better about whats happened? I doubt it (again my opinion)

Will it change things, no it doesn't, because our lives will never be the same...…

What our MLC'ers say or don't say does not negate what we had, that's what I am saying

I cant tell you what bridges the gap, but I would start with trying to find out what you know

You had a very long loving relationship with him
I have no doubt he was a loving giving man that made you feel special and loved
He then had a very depressive mental health episode that sent him into crisis and meant he made some very bad
decisions AND you have read what others who have been in crisis have said including SS and can see how that distorts thinking

NOW I know that is something that is so hard to reconcile and that is the battle we as LBS's face

BUT we can help to banish those awful negative voices in our heads which can lead us to rewrite history and can put ourselves down
and that's what I was saying, it starts with understanding how we think and challenging those negative thoughts

[Treasur]

It really wasn't my intention to guilt ShockSis into anything at all, hence all my caveats at the front end of my post. But I do think it may be as difficult for MLCers to see the world of the LBS as vice versa and we all filter our lens. So my intention was simply to share that for ShockSis to use or not as she saw fit.

My 'obviously a failure' comment tbh was a bit snarky bc I felt rather chastised by your 'it's simple...just own your feelings and pull your socks up' flavour as I read it. Sorry...my skin is thinner this week. Not your normal style so much more likely to be in my interpretation.

I honestly don't feel that there is really much at all that my xh could say or do. I long ago swallowed the likely reality that I shall never hear his voice again and that was hard enough. I am missing his face this week, that's all. But I hear what you say and I will keep trying to hold on to my own history as you say.

[xyzcf]

It remains a very messy thing to live with and it would be a gift to ever hear some kind of explanation for it from the person who actually owns it. Bc I had a normal life and so much of this s$it is not normal, not even close. It would be nice to feel that my doubt is respected given the black hole that my h vanished into bc it is my reality even if it is not the same for others.

And what if he/she cannot give an explanation? Many former MLCers have written that they do not remember some of what they did. We talk about "fog", we debate whether they are aware or intentional in what they are doing, all the while recognizing that something went very wrong with the person who had never shown such behavior in the decades we knew them.

A friend of mine, who remarried the MLCer, in therapy was asked to make a list of questions she had to have an answer to. Their therapist advised her to ask these questions once and once he had responded to her satisfaction, to put them aside and focus on creating their new marriage.

There are so many things that happen in life that there are not any answers for..sometimes all we can do is accept it for what is now.

An apology will never make up for the last 10 years of my life...what words could possibly matter?

I know what happened, I know who we were before and I know who I have become.

Some may need some kind of answer..I see him as having some kind of clinical breakdown..that may or may not ever enable him to "give me the apology I deserve".....

I feel SS is right to leave him alone to his new family. By doing what some of you are asking her to do, she could create more pain for her ex spouse...as she said, if he were to ask her, she would respond but she respects his need for the life he has built now.

[megogirl]

I feel SS is right to leave him alone to his new family. By doing what some of you are asking her to do, she could create more pain for her ex spouse...as she said, if he were to ask her, she would respond but she respects his need for the life he has built now.

YES

Personally, I think it would be a pretty selfish act for her to seek out her XH.  Why should she intentionally rock the boat?

[1trouble]

Treasur.

As you know my my MLC'er said a 6-7 weeks ago that OW as not fit to lick my boots

It changed nothing, because I already knew that anyway, not because I am arrogant, I am the least arrogant person you will meet, BUT because I know, because of what my MLC'er had shown me in all the years we were together BEFORE crisis that's how he felt, he made me feel loved and he made me feel special, I am sure you also could wear that crown

NOW I also knew and know that the OW was not someone who could hold a candle to me, morally, spiritually, intellectually, personality wise etc etc....

AND I am sure you do too.....
I know the 'real' him would not have looked at this person twice OR would have given her the time of day, she maybe the same age as him BUT she is vacuous, materialistic, selfish, stupid etc etc.
I am sure you know that too...…

They are the things I remind myself about....

NOW we ALL have little voices in our heads that can destroy reality, can put ourselves down, can make us doubt what we know

BUT can give into these destructive thoughts OR we can stop them before they take hold

When I say its simple, its not it takes practise (like trying to develop a toned stomach or arms) it takes time and dedication BUT what we do is as soon as we start down the road of doubt you just STOP and play music, phone a friend, jump up and down, sing la la la la, or just say NO...anything but you stop that thought.

You know NLP this is neuroplasticity....

Its what I was saying  a while back about 'emotional bombfires' if we constantly build them by reminding ourselves of everything we have been through we reinforce the thoughts and emotions in our brain and we relive it all over and over again, so we have to stop that

I just had a birthday no contact from my MLC'er, I had all sorts of anniversaires that I wont list because of the above BUT I have learnt to control not letting my brain 'go there' because to 'go there' is the way of sadness and misery and its happened and I survived and thats the way I want to process it....as I said it takes a huge amount of practise and time and learning about the 'voices' in my head

[Thunder]

I agree with xyzcf,

I guess after reading so much about MLC, I honestly don't need answers from him.
He went into a crazy crisis and his thinking was all screwed up.  So I have no questions about that.  Why did he do what he did?  Because he was in a crazy crisis.  There was no logical thinking going on upstairs.

Now a sincere apology would be nice, just to know he realizes how much this hurt me.
An acknowledgement that he sees it was not me and that I did nothing wrong.

But I guess personally that is all I'd like to hear that would help, and I think it would be for a lot of LBS's.

SS I think you are right, you will know if there is ever a time when it is right to talk to him.  I respect the heck out of that.  I feel you are being very respectful of him and his current family.

[megogirl]

An acknowledgement that he sees it was not me and that I did nothing wrong

THAT

That, and I'd also pick his brain about WHAT MLC WAS LIKE.  We've all hit ShockSis with our barrage of questions.....but I know I would have a thousand more.  And to hear it straight from the horse's mouth?  It would be like having a real-life ShockSis right in my living room!

I swear if talk shows still existed, MLC would be a perfect topic.....