Author Topic: Discussion "Letting Go Of Stuff "  (Read 845 times)

Offline Couragedearheart

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Discussion Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #30 on: October 04, 2019, 01:56:59 AM »
Barbie,

I’ll never feel safe again......was the exact feeling, that was how having my abandonment wound triggered felt.
And I wanted to lash out, to fight, to protect myself. To prove to myself and the world that I was strong, I don’t feel strong, I feel lost, rudderless, scared. 
I try to be intimidating enough that people are scared to hurt me.

That’s definitely the anger stress response, and you are right, I just triggered like you...and I’m at blazing inferno faster than you can snap your fingers.

Maybe that sort of anger is not about the emotion at all, but about fixing the abandonment wound.
Some of my fury is about the unjustness of it all, but then that wasn’t cause by H, that was caused by a world that hurt Little Courage in profound ways, taught her to look for hurt, and that people were doing things to hurt her.

For that I’m doing EMDR, it’s about healing my core wounds and rewriting those messages.

I’m glad you started this thread. It’s probably one of the most educational threads on here.
I needed this.
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online Treasur

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #31 on: October 04, 2019, 02:24:44 AM »
I agree with ch and I hope you can see that you are not the only one who feels how you do bc of the responses here.

It may be a thing to feel your way through rather than think your way through if that makes sense, barbie.

My sense from what you have shared...and you are remarkably courageous in your honesty...is that the anger gives you something really useful even if you also hate feeling in the grip of it. Actually it sound more like rage than anger.

This thread has made me consider what the Frozen Fear gave me. I feel looking back that the world felt SO unsafe and SO alien and I was so exhausted by failing over and over again to change it that my little inner lizard brain (I call her Lucy) just lay down in a cave to die metaphorically. I honestly felt I could not survive one more punch. My Fear gave me the gift of hiding somewhere safe for long enough to either die or outlast the storm. Never experienced anything like it before in my life, hated how it felt, judged myself as a pathetic feeble creature all the way through it....but it DID get me out of the storm and it DID keep me alive long enough for the storm to move on. So it was useful...and then it stopped being so useful once the storm in reality had passed bc it was a brain habit then not a survival need if that makes sense? It was/is  time to say thank you to Lucy the Lizard and tell her she could stand down now bc she had done her job.

I don't know you as well as others here do, so I might be quite wrong in my perspective...but I remember you saying that both you and your h had seen him as the safe 'gatekeeper' for your family in the past? I wonder if - entirely understandably - in a funny way ( as in strange rather than ha ha) a lot of your struggle has been about how to turn him back into that or feel that about him. Almost as if focusing on what he did and can't do was a distraction from being your own 'gatekeeper' perhaps? I am so glad that you can trust your sister. Idk if you see her as part of the 'gatekeeoing' team? But it sounds as if your friend was part of that team and losing him understandably had a big impact on you.

Does your 'gatekeeper' feel stronger if she is angry and armed to the teeth to protect you?
Was that how your h used to be as a 'gatekeeper' before? Or different? Or indeed was he the first line of defence and you were always in reality the seriously armed second line of defence?
And what are you gatekeeping now? What's inside your city walls now and outside? Or who?

My sense is that you have reached a shifting point for yourself which will be a fruitful and liberating one, barbie. And your honesty is helping a lot of the rest of us reshape our own gates and gatekeepers too.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2019, 02:26:19 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Velika

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #32 on: October 05, 2019, 08:53:34 AM »
I am reading this thread and wow Terra such a great response, and so many others. So wise and insightful.

Barbie, I think it may help you to consider that there is a little magic in this process. What happened is awful, but what can happen afterwords can be truly amazing. I have reached the point where I really believe that anyone who is given something to overcome has given a deep gift from life.

Terra is right to be mindful of how healers make you feel. Try to experience different types of healing but also different healers, to see what and who you respond to. It isn’t just the technique but the energy of the person, and I think a true healer is also someone who has had to heal, and therefore has the wisdom to guide you out of it.

I also really recommend, if you can do it, to take a pilgrimage somewhere by yourself or without your husband. Traveling to spiritual places is a human behavior throughout the ages, and there is a reason for this. Just like your body is affected by reiki, it can be transformed by moving through space.

Also, you don’t have to stay with your husband. You really don’t. You can be a loving person and love him and also love and honor yourself. If it feels this bad, then maybe it’s something you could consider. I can see now that being with the wrong person is far worse than being alone. Maybe you will come to the conclusion that no, you want to stay together, but rally give yourself permission to feel into this in new ways.

Try to take comfort in the fact that this is going on everywhere, all over the world. Your H behavior was in no way a reflection of you but a strange phenomenon of our time that we don’t yet have the perspective to understand.

Take good care of yourself, eat a clean diet, find a healer who will help you feel supported but also guide you when you need it. Allow yourself to see that negative experience can open the door to strength and positive change.

Big hugs. 💛

PS modifying to add, there is real power and honesty in anger. Don’t see it as something to overcome necessarily but as a very, very strong message from your body, heart, and spirit. The reason it feels so powerful is that it has something to say. Find that wisdom in your anger  to help you heal.
« Last Edit: October 05, 2019, 09:02:12 AM by Velika »

Offline barbiedollTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #33 on: October 09, 2019, 05:15:46 PM »
 I continue to appreciate all the responses to this thread . It is so valuable to me. I continue to respond and read...

So perhaps looking at what specifically about each situation had made you angry may help you begin the process of understanding how you could begin to reduce your anger. 

For example - your mother's treatment of you has been IMHO  shocking but you know that her withholding affection or support hasn't changed since your childhood.
So what is it exactly about her withholding affection and support that makes you angry?
Is it out of frustration because you have tried so many times to get her to understand why you need her support? 
In essence is she likely to change? 
Do you know deep down inside of you that this is banging head on brick wall time with her?
Can you recognise that you are feeling frustrated at feeling frustrated with her?


My mother was born in a small coal mining village and was 1 of 16 children . She was somewhere in the middle. The goal of families was to simply survive. She talks of times she went to school and there was a new baby in the crib and when she came home the baby was gone. There was no talk period. The baby must have died. She says this happened at the very least twice. She stopped school in grade 8 to work in a shoe factory. There was no way that my mother had the attention, affection or was modelled anything emotional or tender. It just was not available to her. She is tough, hard working and has an extreme longing to be outdoors …like she grew up. She is utterly void of affection, emotional support or conversation and really she is all about “get on with it “. I understand this more in the recent years than I was ever before . As my therapist says “she cannot give what she does not have”. I rarely “trigger” over anything about my mother anymore so I hope this means it has been dealt with and resolved. I do know I am far more susceptible to emotional reactions when I NEED something from her. I needed support and just some acknowledgment of hurt after my friend died. My mother ? Not available whatsoever. It hurt but I atleast knew not to pursue this .

Is she the recipient of a letter or several (which you won't send) but you will write and rewrite and condense into one or two sentences?  These are just examples of beginning the process of letting go.

I did start a letter with the help of my therapist . I have yet to finish it as I simply no longer felt the extreme rejection or invalidation from her . It just seemed to fizzle. I do still intend to finish the letter and burn it.

Your anger sounds like a trauma related stress response. When feeling stressed, threatened or unsafe, Treasur feels fear, I dissociate (freeze), it sounds like you feel anger. Three different types of stress responses but they all serve the same purpose.

I have not read this before “ trauma related stress response” . We do react differently when under stress but having suffered a “trauma” makes it all even more intense and perhaps far more difficult to resolve. I do believe my husband may “ freeze”  as he just has no response at times …to anything. And that just enrages me. The therapist says he “floods” and freezes as his stress response . Seems to set up pursuer/avoidance cycle. I will react with anger to any extreme emotion. I do know …most of it is fear under all of it.

You might find that your loved ones want to help you, they just don't know what to do or how to do it. Start with little things first and, as you learn who you can trust to help you, work up to the bigger things with them.

I believe many members of my family are so troubled by my hurt, anger and tears… they really try to avoid me becoming “emotional” . It has been hard on those around a traumatized family member. They just want to “not poke the bear” and keep things superficial. That’s what I have observed. I have a good support in my sister …but the hole left by my friend , since his death , is just indescribable. He was my PTSD support person trained by the hospital and he meant everything to me . He knew my entire story, knew me … his loss has had me stumble emotionally ..again.

What can you do to you find that feeling of being safe and protected?


I believe I never will again. Not to be overly dramatic , not victim-ish or a big ole coward. Just the nasty reality for me . It was that deep. I do not think I am the only one who feels this way. It will never be him again…if only he knew what he has lost. He will never have that gift from me. It is about learning providing that for myself…no matter what he ever does. I am still learning how.

people at large are not very willing to or competent at handling or witnessing another person’s vulnerability and deep sorrow.

This has been my experience ..even with family . I guess it may be true for me as well. It is hard
to be with someone in deep sorrow. Sad really.

The main thing is that the body does want to live and thrive and be cared for and
listened to. That can be done in touch and in silence. In my own state of stress or trauma, what I
usually most need is the safety to let down my guard and just watch the thoughts as they spring
forward and away. Your mileage may vary but I’ve found the massage table or mat to be an
almost holy place for that quiet review and, I want to say, quantifiable release.


Interesting. I have started and quit , then started and quit more massage , yoga , meditation classes than anyone I know. I do not know why I fail to stick to things. Another thing to work on . ugh. I need to truly commit to self care again and again . Thanks for your input Terra.

Because we do move through life sort of accidentally or haplessly wearing the labels that other people put on us, and you might find that when you are all to yourself, just you and free of other people’s perceptions, maybe in your deepest heart you are not a rageful person at all, and never actually were. It’s Right and reasonable for you to be angry and upset and hurt and scared about everything you’ve been through and are still going through and coping with. But maybe underneath all of that, you are truly a beautiful, loving, gentle, and lovely woman, who is simply in a terrible season and surrounded by loved and important people who are just not listening or being good to you.

I just love this !!. I really do. Lots to think about and consider in these words . I have been referred as “  a gentle sensitive poodle in disguise as a rabid pitbull”. There is some truth in that . My outside is not in harmony with who I am inside …or who I could be .

We need time for healing, as much as we would if these injuries were fully physical in form. So if you think a kind of quarantine is called for, just know that you do have a right to employ it. Period.


I long for quarantine more than anything else . It’s a good word. I have not done that for practical reasons …who I need to be
for so many other people . I am happiest alone but need to be careful not to isolate or become a recluse. There is a fine line there somewhere and I need to be aware of that . I am rather looking forward to the winter, to hibernate and be able to spend more time in selfcare etc. I do have a right to this and I know I need it. 


Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #34 on: October 10, 2019, 01:10:20 AM »
Quote
So perhaps looking at what specifically about each situation had made you angry may help you begin the process of understanding how you could begin to reduce your anger.

Thanks Barbie for your comprehensive response.  What I was aiming at in using your mother as an example was not for you to just consider your mother but to apply those questions to lots of trigger with your H and you throughout your life. 
For example the money that H seemed to have squirrelled away somewhere caused you great anger.

So I've substituted the questions with different focus words ie "your mother" is now replaced with your H or money and you can apply those questions to any subject matter.

your H's MLC treatment of you in the money situation has been shocking but you know that him withholding information has made you angry
So what is it exactly about him withholding information that makes you angry?
Is it out of frustration because you have tried so many times to get him to understand why you need him to tell you honestly?
In essence is this likely to change?
Do you know deep down inside of you that this is banging head on brick wall time with him/it?
Can you recognise that you are feeling frustrated at feeling frustrated with him/it


They are questions to break down any form of trigger and once you can specify that you can then begin to address your feelings in a whole host of ways.  Does your therapist use NLP techniques at all?  I found them sooo helpful and use them even now when I recognise the feelings even though the trigger or source might be different.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

 

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