Author Topic: Discussion "Letting Go Of Stuff "  (Read 844 times)

Offline barbiedollTopic starterTopic starter

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Discussion "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« on: September 26, 2019, 07:51:15 PM »
For me the "stuff" I need to let go of would be anger and shock.  Five years later I still can feel times of floating surreal shock. I do not know why this happens to me . Perhaps it is the gift of PTSD , I honestly do not know. But I can still sob my heart out some days in utter stunning disbelief. It has never gone away...yet. As if an affair is not enough, we will never recover financially.

But anger is the largest burden , the torture, the reason I am still so reactive, the stuff that feeds negative thinking and the roots of depression . I have been told that anger is an extreme mix of fear, deep hurt and frustration. I would add injustice, feeling "stupid" , feeling like I was not enough and deep humiliation. It is a death grip on your life, your health and your success in ever forgiving.

Today I went to a session of Reiki . I was told it might help with all that ails me , shift some energy, unblock some stuff etc etc . I will try anything that might help me heal from this MLC nightmare and the sorrow of loosing my friend. I hurt. My body hurt, my muscles. I want to actually sleep more than 4 hours . I want dreams and nightmares to stop ...I want to laugh. I want to find " happy".

She told me ( if you believe in such stuff) that she has NEVER felt such rage in anyones body. That I had a body that has forgotten how to breathe. That I was "blocked " with such negative energy and emotion etc etc . She asked me what happened ...I do not tell about my PTSD. She says I have been in this state for years but something more recent has happened. Indeed, I had a nasty exchange with my middle daughter ( who has not spoken to me since) and that just hurts too. It all hurts. I just cried through the entire process . UGH !

My mantra tp practise while I breathe .." Inhale the light ...exhale the dark". I can do that . She tells me over and over that I need to "let it go". Ok, I have been told this many many times …"let it go".  Now , if I knew how to do that , would I not have already done it? . What is wrong with me that I can not "let it go?".   So, maybe it is simply that I do not know how to do that. What exactly are the steps, the magic, the instructions ? Where do you start? What do you need in order to have this "letting go" thing happen?.  What does it even mean ?. I would love to hear from anyone who has accomplished this . Precisely.

I know that not everyone has "anger" to let go of. Some need to let go of fear or  deep paralyzing hurt. Maybe its depression for some . We all have something that needs to be gone after an experience with a MLC'er. What are you trying to "let go of" and how are you doing that?"  I really want to know .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2019, 08:20:03 PM »
Barbie,

For me it’s letting each thing be named OUT LOUD, while embracing and accepting the feeling
“I am angry about x and I feel that anger it’s a knot in my stomach, my ears feel hot, I want to yell and scream, I’m grateful for this anger, it’s a part of me, it lets me know my boundaries are violated and if feels unjust.....I accept that I’m angry, I have the right to be angry and to speak my truth,
And just feel that feeling....it diminishes the more you just feel it and accept it then as it starts to fade and feel less sharp release it, verbally and you can even visualize it if it helps....(for anger I often have to move and expend energy to release it) and say out loud that you feel it diminishing, you feel the knot untying, you feel your body relax

There are YouTube videos for tapping that are for each specific emotion so once I identify the exact emotion and what’s its tied too...I then identify how it feels in my body to experience that emotion and then do the tapping. It’s EFT  emotional freedom technique or emotional freedom tapping.

I hope this helps
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Anjae

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2019, 08:25:23 PM »
Perhaps it is the gift of PTSD

It could be.

I have been told that anger is an extreme mix of fear, deep hurt and frustration.

It is. But it can also be cause by biological reasons others than the one that cause fear. What I mean is a person may be lackig certain things (vitamins, minerals, etc) and/or have hormonal problems, including with cortisol (stress). Or a number of other things.

You can't sleep more than four hours? Terrible nightmares? Do you think your brain is lacking something? Serotonine, something else?

I think whatever if the issue it is clear it is affecting your body, and most likely your brain. Have you considered seeing a neurologis and/or endocrinologist? Therapy alone does not seem to be cutting it.

Nothing left for me to let go. I'm mourning, but that is different. If you go by my thread you will see I come to conclude Mr J is not coming out of MLC. It is strangely liberating and calming.

How did I let go? It was more a case of my own MLC ending, getting minerals and vitamins, doing meditation and gentle exercise. And, as Couragedearheart says, feeding the soul.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline OffRoad

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2019, 10:21:19 PM »
Some of us have physical "stuff" to let go. Recently, I have been able to do so because for me, I do not need those "things" to fill an empty space any longer.

Barbie, might it be you fear letting the anger go because if it were gone, you are afraid there will be nothing to replace it and you will feel empty? That anger is better than nothing at all?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2019, 11:52:49 AM »
Barbie, might it be you fear letting the anger go because if it were gone, you are afraid there will be nothing to replace it and you will feel empty? That anger is better than nothing at all?

Quite an interesting point of view.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline strawberry

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2019, 02:27:03 PM »
I just want to second what Anjae said about it possibly being an actual physical thing.  I am continually surprised by how much a vitamin or hormone imbalance can affect seemingly unrelated things and as you were describing some symptoms, I immediately wondered about your thyroid and your cortisol levels.  It might be something to look into (and don’t settle for just a tsh test, get the T3, T4, cortisol tests).  Natrapath if they have those types of doctors in your area are best.
H: 44
M: 45
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.

Offline barbiedollTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2019, 06:55:33 PM »
Quote
I just want to second what Anjae said about it possibly being an actual physical thing.  I am continually surprised by how much a vitamin or hormone imbalance can affect seemingly unrelated things and as you were describing some symptoms, I immediately wondered about your thyroid and your cortisol levels.  It might be something to look into (and don’t settle for just a tsh test, get the T3, T4, cortisol tests).  Natrapath if they have those types of doctors in your area are best.
.

Thanks Strawberry... I recently had a complete physical, pap, mammo...the entire thing. All "normal" . I do realize that thyroid can be misleading and needs a complete reading. I will request that ..just to check again. As for cortisol ..I do have adrenal fatique with very low ( if any cortisol) . That was the result of a test I took ( saliva) with a naturopath about 18 months ago. I have been taking a cortisol supplement . I take vitamins and liquid minerals. Not sure what else I could do .. My family doctor has no interest or education regarding adrenal/cortisol issues. I will re-visit this thyroid test.

Quote
Barbie, might it be you fear letting the anger go because if it were gone, you are afraid there will be nothing to replace it and you will feel empty? That anger is better than nothing at all?
.

I just do not know. If this is true , it would have to be some subconscious thought because I have never had those thoughts. Very interesting and I will ponder that .  Anger is incredibly crippling for me now...it served its purpose, it was appropriate for a time and it was uncontrollable fury. But I now longer need any of it. I have had anger issues most of my adult life …this is not a new issue. But I had it under control and I was managing my life .  Then came MLC . And an unspeakable unrelenting rage. I have improved in the past 2 years.( a lot?) .but it is not gone. If I get triggered and get angry …I almost leave the planet, shake, have zero control, sometimes loose peripheral vision, scream and the need to "flee" is SO extreme that I pace and try to figure out how to leave, where to go . I can barely breathe. Its a horrible horrible feeling. It is less and less that this happens and I recover much faster than before. I am successful at times with certain techniques ( internal dialogues, chanting, visualization, changing the initial thought etc etc ... I put an ice pack on my back or shoulders or I crunch it in my hands to stimulation some of the 5 senses to get grounded . Sometimes I resist calming down or any of my "tools" because I feel justified in my anger and do not want to calm down.

I am asking about this experience of "letting go". How?  Is it some kind of spiritual movement ? An emotional experience ... I do not understand when a person says " I finally just let all my anger and rage go".  How?

Quote
You can't sleep more than four hours?
.

I do not know any women in my age group ( 55-60 ) that are not complaining about an inability to stay asleep. Menopause related ?. Ptsd does interfere with sleep patterns . I do take a low does seratonin medication. If I wake and cannot fall asleep, I take a "Sleep Mineral " ( magnesium, calcium and zinc) and try to get back to sleep. It is a very big issue.

Quote

For me it’s letting each thing be named OUT LOUD, while embracing and accepting the feeling
“I am angry about x and I feel that anger it’s a knot in my stomach, my ears feel hot, I want to yell and scream, I’m grateful for this anger, it’s a part of me, it lets me know my boundaries are violated and if feels unjust.....I accept that I’m angry, I have the right to be angry and to speak my truth,
And just feel that feeling....it diminishes the more you just feel it and accept it then as it starts to fade and feel less sharp release it, verbally and you can even visualize it if it helps....(for anger I often have to move and expend energy to release it) and say out loud that you feel it diminishing, you feel the knot untying, you feel your body relax
.

Couragdearheart..thank you . I do practise these kind of techniques as it is exactly what my therapist has taught me. I also have to move and physically burn it off. It is so overwhelming and consuming that at times "flee" in a panic state is all consuming. I would be embarrassed to tell all the things I have smashed ...including his truck. At times I am successfull calming myself just as you have explained . Other times ..not at all. I am thankful these episodes are far less frequent than before. But they are not gone. I was tapping for awhile and then stopped. Maybe time to re-visit that practice.

I remember being told when I was in the Trauma facility that I suffered a deep "soul" injury. This article talks a bit about that and the reasons for anger . I can understand and feel them all .

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/anger-after-infidelity-its-6-roots





Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2019, 08:11:03 PM »
There is always the option of pool noodle fights.....🤷‍♀️
Smash houses....(places you can go and smash things) although for this I would need to mentally make each item I smashed a certain thing or issue I was angry about and only then once I had smashed it to bits would I feel better.
Go scream!
Take some kickboxing.
Demolish something but label it the thing that you are angry about and verbalize and decide that once you have destroyed it you are destroy the anger about it as well, then demolish it till that feeling is satisfied.

Fear thoughts I work out best when running because running from fear is a healthy response and running while feeling fear thoughts and emotions soothe the need to properly respond to the fear.

Find a peaceful place and go there when you are at your Most calm and peaceful, do deep breathing and grounding techniques, do soothing things, verbalize that you are calm and safe, you are in control. There is nothing you need to do or respond to in this moment, you are okay, you can relax.

Do it till going to that place instantly relaxes you.

Think about that place in your mind when you are relaxing.  Soon you will be able to use it whenever you need it....you will be able to do it after working through an anger or fear emotions and remind yourself that you are safe, you are in control, you can relax now, you dealt with that emotion and don’t need to keep it anymore.
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2019, 08:46:42 PM »
Barbie,

Maybe you can buy some boxing gloves and a heavy bag to hang in the garage. Boxing is a great workout and might be therapeutic. But make sure you're wearing proper gloves while you're hitting the bag.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: "Letting Go Of Stuff "
« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2019, 10:54:39 PM »
Back in the day, I would run or bike to burn off angry energy. But that didn't solve the actual problem that caused the anger and the anger would reappear. I found then, and still sometimes find, that my anger is usually caused by feeling out of control of a situation. Tha IRS letter that you find in your mail when you get home from work Friday evening and you can't deal with until Monday. The teacher who knows your child has Executive Function Disorder and an IEP for it but waits until it is almost too late to inform you your child isnt going to pass x grade because while hes been doing the homework at home somehow it never arrived in the teachers hands, but the teacher waited four months to tell you no homework was turned in, but not quite too late if the entire family spends 24/7 helping by typing or ironing the papers that were crammed into the bottom of the backpack. The guy who walks out on you, leaving you with no job or money and one child in high school and one in college. You know, those things.

All I could do was distract myself, and dissapate energy. Driving off road worked for me.so does building something, or refinishing something or creating something. Listening to music. Coloring. Dancing.

I have no experience with continual rage, my heart goes out to you.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

 

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