[OffRoad]

When you change the entire mission of a support forum overnight without an explanation, that is a little strange. It's RCR's forum, she can do what she wants, but I do feel that when you make a place for a certain group of people and then open it up to those who might be hostile to the mission of the original group without explaining why you do it, then conflicts can arise and no one has any grounds to understand why things are the way they are. It's a lack of transparency.

It has nothing to do with Anjae other than I am replying to something someone said in this thread, as a normal conversation proceeds.

Side note: The original Tag line was Dealing with Midlife Crisis  and Infidelity When you  don't want a Divorce.  No where in there does it say "Only for Standers".  Or "Standing Required". I didn't want a divorce, ended up with one anyway. I still had to deal with Midlife Crisis when I didn't want a divorce. The mission statement has never changed snice I have been here.  "Love each other, Love your Spouses and Love yourselves. The Unconditionals apply to everyone." So I cannot see where the "entire mission" of this support forum has changed, much less "overnight". 

Perspectives are like opinions. And we all know what opinions are like. The mission statement of this support forum has nothing to do with the price of butter. imo.

[OffRoad]

I find several posters triggering. But I'm an adult. I don't tell ANYONE something I don't want anyone else to know. Nor would I complain if my own indiscretion got back to someone else through the grapevine. That would be on me. I learned that some posters sound kind of haughty or rude or even cruel in the written world. I try not to take it personally because they don't know me from anyone. I still remember a poster from back when who convinced another poster that I meant "abc" instead of "xyz" and I had intended to be mean, when I meant no such thing. Why the need to convince someone who originally enjoyed my post that I really meant to be mean? How does that profit anyone? Some things I will never understand....

Whatever rules were broken,  I must assume there was a valid, compelling and irrefutable reason for a lifetime ban, something more than I've seen in some other posters' writings that were quite attacking. I am saddened by what has happened, but respect that the forum owner has reign over what she considers out of bounds.

I am grateful that this forum was here when I needed it. I had no idea a member could volunteer for anything.  I thought moderators were chosen and /or asked. Lots of things about this place that I am still learning.

[Standing Strong]

I can totally see where RCR is coming from personally........

Someone is in trouble for something or another, they are put on a restriction. The person says "I don't like the restriction, I'll just make a new account..... screw your restriction".
Well at that point it makes restrictions moot doesn't it?
There has to be order and control.... it's as simple as that.

I'm a little surprised that some people have multiple accounts though...... why? What purpose does that serve? I'm me and that's it.
People reporting people? Get some thick skin (ignore), change (if they were right and had a good point) or punch back (if they were wrong and needed a 2x4 in return). That's pretty simple too.

Too bad for Anjae......... we are all accountable for ourselves and no one else. I don't see any official of the site just going after someone at random. Quite the opposite..... I don't see RCR or anyone else waking up one day and saying "let's drop the axe on someone today"...... I'm sure it feels terrible. Ever have to fire someone before? It's awful. No, I think them banning someone takes a lot of thought, a lot of consideration and is never done lightly. So did they just throw her off because they didn't like her? No way. They had to know this wonderful type of thread would pop up right away too.... I'm sure that's what they wanted this day to be like: A firestorm of outrage over something they didn't create themselves. Ever get trapped in situations like that? Where it's not your fault and now it's YOUR mess? Oh right.... we all know what that's like.

In RCR's shoes I'd have done the same thing. In my job I'm in those shoes a lot. 100% agree with it, especially if you've told someone to knock it off. All you can give someone is fair warning, after that it's all on them.

-SS

[Velika]

I did not write anything in this post that I had not already written directly to Anjae and to you XYZ.

Yes, of course, we are all adults, and yet adults can be traumatized, vulnerable, and need protection. Many people arrive here in a deep state of shock and want to find answers. It is not okay, in my opinion, for posters like Anjae and you too XZY to repeatedly shut down any discussion that broaches the topic of mental illness and other diseases which are all KNOWN to have overlapping symptoms with what we call midlife crisis.

Many people's finances, homes, children, pets, beloved relationships are at stake. To create an environment where we can't discuss any and all possible avenues for answers, or even medical attention, is totally irresponsible, and in my opinion puts RCR at risk for being the subject of a lawsuit.

Even if just two people dedicate themselves to this, it damages the integrity of the forum and can prevent people from getting the help they need, speaking up, or finding solutions in real life.

Please ask yourself why EVERY medical professional I talked to said my now ex had symptoms of a mental illness. My sister researched bvFTD. I am surrounded by doctors and even know some neurologists. There is no way we would all be seeing such precisely similar symptoms if this were not biologically based.

The reason many of our hands are tied is precisely because of the term "midlife crisis," and stereotypes about it being a silly search for youth. It makes no sense to me that it is perfectly fine to joke that our exes are "crazy," and even note that their symptoms worsen during the full moon (consistent with other psychiatric illnesses) — but the idea that this could be medical in origin, progressive, or biophysically based is taboo.

Again, I liked Anjae's candor and found her informative and sometimes even funny. I personally would not have given her a lifetime ban just for being argumentative. But I admire RCR for taking a stand when it comes to a level of decorum on a forum with very vulnerable people who should be allowed to ask questions and even go a little off-topic when needed when so much is at stake.

[Ready2Transform]

This makes me sick. Who are we to judge another poster? To throw mud at her when she cannot even defend herself.

Who will be next. You? Me?

This.

Anjae was dealt one of the most difficult MLC situations that's been on the forum. She wasn't a stander, but maintained HOPE that her MLCer would someday return to himself regardless of marital outcome. THAT is the unconditional, agape kind of love we rarely see. You can read a harsh voice into her words if you choose to, but just like with stayed, LP, and others who have delivered the kind of no-nonsense logic that's necessary to create balance, it was always best intentioned and focused on growing our knowledge base of MLC and helping LBSs get stronger. And she did it while caring for her grandmother, moderating on the tech side of the forum, and traversing a never ending legal battle. Who here ever stopped to notice she never asked for anyone's help? Yet she has always been there if you needed some support, probably following up on more threads than the best of us at the height of our activity here.

I initially wanted to write this earlier, but I was too tempted to call out posters, and that's just going to proliferate the nonsense. In my opinion and observation I think we do go through an initial period after BD where we become a bit emotionally regressed. It's a wounding of our very basic attachment places, so of course we would. But with learning to make it through this, which can be anything from growing stronger while standing to accepting that we're on our own now (and even as RCR pointed out in the statement Airmid quoted, the reality of return likelihood is one to face), we have to reach a place of emotional maturity. And this can be a time of growth for that, for people who think they need to force people into complying with their needs, or only tell them words they want to hear.

The "Code of Conduct" was pushed by one member who doesn't even post now, but for years we operated on respect and maturity. I don't plan on hitting the notify button anytime soon, because tattling to the teacher isn't what has gotten me to the point I am now, and it won't help me move further. It's a tool for staying stuck in needing someone else to take care of things that make you uncomfortable.

If you want to form any forum into something you want it to be, limiting what it can be isn't the way. Bring ideas to the table that stimulate more conversation, more growth, more healing. If you want distraction from unwanted behavior, redirect to more positive input. Be open to hearing things you might not want to deal with that help you discover where the work needs to be done (whoever said that earlier - right on! I'm sorry I have lost the quote right now).

There are plenty of people here who have to get up every morning and figure out how they're going to feed themselves and their kids now, pay the bills, maintain a job, all while riding an anxiety loop because they're suddenly faced with a stranger where their soulmate used to be. They're making legal and financial decisions based on the information shared here. They need more than just attention - they need real support. The "squeaky wheel" threads full of drama get a lot of views, but is that the best use of anyone's time and empathy?

[Treasur]

Thank you, RCR, for clarifying the events and rationale for your decision.

Without getting into the why's or who's or what's, my hope is that after a period of calm all round, you and Anjae may choose to revisit the issue of a permanent ban and that there might be a solution which sits somewhere in the middle. Whatever the outcome, many people here recognise the value of Anjae's participation on HS, her personal support for them and the strength of diverse voices here.

[Milly]

RCR, thank you for coming here and explaining that Anjae disregarded the code of conduct again. I understand you don't want to share what the disregard was and it is your site so your call.

I would like to second what Treasur said in her last post, that you and Anjae might revisit the situation.

[serenity]

Well said Ready! Totally agree.

X

[OldPilot]

I had no idea a member could volunteer for anything. 
I thought moderators were chosen and /or asked. Lots of things about this place that I am still learning.

Actually you are correct and we have asked people over the years and been turned down many times.
We have had moderators join our ranks and then decide to quit but still want to criticize us after they have quit.
When they were moderators they had a lot of input.

Sorry this is a sore subject with me.

I really feel like we have been more than fair and bent over backwards to try to please everyone.

[serenity]

I would also like to take this opportunity just to say - (sorry if this is going off topic a bit) but there are several other posters that I believe should be removed from this site!

They continuously start arguments, cause upsets and post controversial stuff.  There’s also a certain person that posts, that I find downright offensive! This person writes about their sexual exploits, their many relationships and personal information and none of it has anything to do with MLC and in my opinion shouldn’t be allowed to continue on a site specifically created to support LBS’s!!!