[Shelly7435]

I told x he was not himself and his comment to me was “maybe this is who I am now”... with loads of anger.  He also told me he was protecting me from him.

[Granite]

A deep thanks SS,


I actually like myself and have no fear of being alone.

This is what I have always wanted for my Wife.  No matter what happens with us if she is someday able to make the same statement I will consider this trial/test/torture worth it.

[Keep believing]

My x said about a year or 2  ago , Kb this isnt me , you have to know this isnt me,  after he said he hated what he did to me and the kids.  I thought this was some sort of awakening but nope.  He is still crazy.

SS, My questions keep getting lost in your thread.  How did you x treat you during your mlc before he moved on?

[Shockandawe]

Hi KB

My ex h begged and pleaded a lot, became very clingy and asked a lot of questions about our relationship. I became angrier and angrier and more cruel and monstered a lot. I know he was devastated but I was in total denial about my guilt and about the fact I was doing this to him and became even more hostile. Anything he did or said even remotely connected to us and I would get irritated and angry. I truly was an awful person.

[terra]

Shocks sis,

Did your husband ever enact and enforce No Contact with you during your MLC?

and,

Would you say that your husband’s moving on with someone else was what jarred you toward clarity and coming out of the fog? Or did your love for him resurface independently of his life or choices.

I’m not looking for any prescription or right” answer, just curious about your own experience here. As LBS I am not likely to repartner. Ever, really. Now many years into the MLC dynamic, I still feel far too damaged to risk entering relationship with anyone new. I don’t see any way I would ever trust another intimacy or my own perceptions safely again.

I kind of think men have it easier in that sense, for whatever reason. Seems unfair.

The weird thing is that even with all the MLC damage, I do see potential for trusting H again should he ever return to be husband again. But I see zero potential for ever trusting any other man. The idea of partnering with someone new scares me to death, and makes me feel so tired.

Do you ever think about partnering with someone new? Not really a question from LBS to former MLCer, but rather from one female heart to another female heart. At midlife and with crisis/transition mostly behind you, if your h has “moved on”, is couplehood something you would/will/want to do again? You don’t have to answer that, here or at all. I’m asking because I’m surprised at how I don’t see it for my own life, and am wondering in my own life whether it might just be common for women at midlife, even crisis aside. It’s not a lack of desire, for me, but just that I still feel so stunned.

Thank you as always for sharing your perspective.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Terra

He didn’t initiate no contact as we have a daughter and at the time when he met his now wife I was at the stage where I didn’t care at all and also felt relieved that he wouldn’t be on my case.
As for any future relationship I haven’t lost my trust in men since it was I who imploded the marriage and I take full responsibility for that.
Currently I’m not looking for any relationship but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to the idea and if anyone good crosses my path then so be it.
I do however enjoy being on my own with my own company and my family I may be alone but I’m not lonely. I am at peace with myself and have come to terms with everything. I deeply regret what happened and wish it could be different. I can understand your trust issues as someone in MLC is possibly the biggest liar and the worst a person can be to another person in a relationship. Not all men are that way. But even your MLCer as you know isn’t the person you knew and I think it’s important to remember that. MLC is a compulsion not a choice.
Keep looking forward Terra

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Terra,

I'm a man but I have the same concerns you have about new relationships and I know other men who feel the same way.

As a man it seems to me that it's easier for a woman to live alone and still have full and satisfying friendships than it is for men. It seems to me that most men who are alone are truly alone. To me, that seems unfair.

[Treasur]

Ah, if only life were fair, Brain lol...not a gender issue, lonely as hell here  ...but I see feeling lonely as a sign of progress post My Grand PTSD Party...

haven’t lost my trust in men since it was I who imploded the marriage and I take full responsibility for that.

Was chatting to another LBS about the loss of 'We' and how our perspective changes. Seems to be a weird irony that the ones who blow the We up still value the idea of being in a We. I suppose as you say ShockSis there is less risk perhaps if you were 'the one wot done it' and now feel that you would not do it again.

Whereas the ones who got blown up took a lot of damage because they valued the We so much...and had to change a lot of their beliefs and habits to survive...and for some they find it hard, having dragged themselves up and on, to visualise being part of a We again. Which is sad really bc often we were very good at being part of a We even if the other half broke.

[Standing Strong]

Wow T,

You said it so good.... and so right.

We are the ones who were the half that kept "we" rolling. And we are the ones who have trouble accepting "we" again. So interesting.

You are so right about the (ex)MLC'er getting into another R, no problem. Every (Ex)Mlc'er I've talked to was in another (or multiple) R's after their MLC..... no problem. Like it was a bump in the road or something.

So completely unfair.
Maybe because it's givers and takers. We LBS's are givers. Once we realize we've been taken for a ride and the ride ends.... we aren't so giving anymore. Takers on the other hand still take, need to take and will find someone who will give. They may change after MLC (especially if it was a successful MLC) but the (Ex)Mlc'ers I've found who weren't successful are still their taking, codependent selves. No change except a big helping of guilt, shame and more items for continued avoidance. The really bad thing is.... those who don't have a successful MLC and change..... when they come out, they are permanently stuck in this new "half-self". I don't think they ever resolve.

-SS

[Milly]

Me too I feel tired if I think of being with someone else. I am lonely and want a partner but if I think of meeting someone new I just can’t face it. I also can not trust anyone again. Maybe trust would come eventually if the person is trustworthy but it seems like such an effort to find out. For some bizarre reason I’d rather take my chances with my H and yet he is a proven cheater. It’s all so hard to get my head around.