[sachat3]

I think for me, I didn’t “NEED” it to be MLC. I just needed some explanation. I’ve got one of those brains where I over analyse and I need answers and explanations and then I can move on. My mum always said that was the difference between me and my brother. I questioned everything. She could say to him “brush your teeth” and away he would go. But I needed “Sacha brush your teeth because if you don’t you will get build up on plague which will cause bad breath” etc. Once I heard that I was fine.

I never get monster. I think I may have had a monster-ish episode once. But from Ow Instagram feed it would appear she gets monster. I question a lot “is it midlife crisis” because Clington isn’t at “midlife” at bomb drop Clington was 32...so to me that was too young.

However, he has all the other tick list. It’s strange because looking back with hindsight I can see the warning signs but I didn’t see them then. Things like about 5 months before BD he demanded he needed to do his bike license. So he did an intensive course and suddenly bought himself a Harley Davidson. He viewed himself different to everyone else. Often I would catch him fresh out of a shower staring in the mirror pinching fat at his stomach. His Ow is complete opposite of not just what his usual type is. But everything he hates in a person. He can’t stand the royal family. She’s obsessed. He doesn’t believe uni education is needed. She is uni educated and believes everyone should be. Brexit. She was in. He was out. I suppose I can’t tell much about his childhood issues because I never met his dad. His dad died when Clington was 15. Oddly enough BD came the year Clingtons Dad was dead 16 year’s meaning his dad had been dead longer than alive for him. However it appears Clingtons dad was a flirt. From stories I’ve heard he had some kind of obsession with Clingtons mums best friend. From what I heard Clingtons dad favoured Clington. He would often wake up to money in his school shoes and his brother didn’t get anything. His dad was away with work a lot and came home and went straight to the pub. He was a very 1980s 1990s style parent. Boys don’t cry. Boys don’t show emotion etc. To the point where when his dad died, nobody saw Clington cry. He ran up to his room and stayed their. I do also remember one time when me BIL Clington MIL and a few friends were in a pub drinking. Me and Clington arrived last so were sober. BIL and MIL were drinking and BIL grabbed MILs arm and she said “Wow you are just like your dad” or something like that. But Clington rarely spoke about his childhood to me. I only know what I know from piecing things together. From a story here to a story there.

I think for me, and anyone who is familiar with my story. Clington is exceptionally clingy. Which wouldn’t make sense if he was a WAS. If he was a WAS. He would have found Ow. Moved on. Been happy. But that’s not the case.

I also agree that, midlife crisis may seem like “oh that’s the excuse” but it’s no excuse. It’s like when a child misses its nap and is cranky and lashes out at a sibling. You don’t say “oh it’s okay she punched her sister in the face. She’s tired” it’s no excuse but it does explain it. It’s also not the easy option. If I had to choose, I certainly wouldn’t choose midlife crisis.

[Thunder]

Hi Sachat,

What your H may be experiencing is a quarter life crisis. 
From everything I've read about a quarter life crisis (usually between 25 to early 30's) the only difference from a midlife crisis is the age.

Just because a person is not in their midlife (approximately age 40 to age 65) doesn't mean they can't experience a real crisis.

So I think this site is great for which ever crisis a person is having.

[sachat3]

I have also delved into weather it could be a quarter life too aswell. He ticks almost every single box going. And I think that’s where the forum comes in handy...it’s not about him. The forum is for a community feeling so we know we’re not alone.

[Thunder]

Yep, I agree!   

[Nerissa]

The Shack video is very moving and very fascinating.  Thanks for posting it.

[dogwalker]

Hi  My W only monstered at me 3 times which was within the first 3 months of BD1 and leaving. After BD2 nd BD3 I never saw the monster again although OM got it  She then worked through her MLC with OM. After 3yrs and 5 months we are now reconnecting. slowly but steadily. We have talked lots about her behaviour and action over the last 8 months of reconnecting and she cannot remember ever being a monster although I don't think she doubts me when I tell her there was just 3 occurrence's. I have not told her any details of them, as I tell her they were in the past when she was another person so no need to open those wounds again. For every other MLC issue she defo had it and remembers them and regrets them. So I don't think every MLC is the same but they all have the same stages and issues that they have to work through to get out of the other side.

DW

[Anon]

There is so much on this thread and lots to comment on and I wish I had more time to comment.  For now, here are some thoughts after reading through the thread. 

 Does it matter whether it’s a MLC or something else.   For me, yes.   I’m not standing and that may never change so why does it matter?  It matters because I really want to believe the destruction of my marriage and the life I loved, with the man I loved, had nothing to do with the marriage, the person I am, or the wife I was.  I want to believe all that happened had nothing to do with who I am and would have happened regardless of who my h married.  Otherwise, how do I explain to myself how my h could have done to me what he did?   and how was he able to end a marriage in the most cruel and destructive way that I can possibly imagine?  The only way I can handle that it happened at all is to believe that it’s because of MLC craziness.   I accept that this may be a huge weakness in me to want to believe it’s MLC for this reason.   

 A poll asking for opinions on whether it’s a MLC or not, would very likely result in an overwhelming vote for YES.   My h fits most of the profile, and ticks many of the boxes for MLC.  Why don’t I accept it then?  Because I have read lots on Google about affairs, limerance, infatuation, FOO issues, wife abandonment,, etc. and found there are other explanations for a lot of it that have nothing to do with MLC.

The Shack - what an incredible story.   The book sold millions because maybe millions can relate to it, not just MLCers.  There are so many people with internal ‘shacks’ where all the secrets reside and where we allow no one access.   It leads to chronic undefinable unhappiness.   That unhappiness either continues endlessly, or we deal with it gradually,  or it eventually blows up in a spectacular way leaving us no choice but to search for a way (successful or not) to alleviate it.    I think it’s a rare thing for anyone to come through childhood completely unscathed and to not have an internal ‘shack’ that eventually must be torn down if we are to be emotionally healthy.   I wonder if MLC is simply the spectacular blow-up because of inability to destroy the ‘shack’.   idk,,, just musing.

My h grew up without a father.   Father was a drunk who abandoned the family when h was 4 (and became a homeless man).   Mother raised the family on welfare but was emotionally absent for the most part, or emotionally cruel.   She was especially hot and cold with h so he never had a stable source of love and was always seeking her approval.  To this day, he is a people pleaser and will sacrifice himself to win the acceptance and approval of others.   You would never know this to look at him - he hides it well - but it’s a huge bottomless pit that if it ever gets filled up, never stays that way.    No surprise a person like this will do everything they can to protect the ‘shack’ and so the internal unhappiness continues until the whole big ball of depression and unresolved unhappiness blows up.   But is this MLC???   Or just another emotionally maladjusted person who needs years of therapy?  His wounds crippled him that much that he couldn’t fix it on his own and he never sought help with it either.    I was also raised in a similar environment.   So why didn’t I have the so-called mid-life crisis?  or even a MLT?  The answer is I don’t know except that perhaps my coping skills were different, more effective, or maybe I was just born with more resilience and the ability to gradually find my way through it.    I was also able to talk about this with my childhood friends who had similar struggles.  We comforted each other.  I met a girl in grade 7 whose home life was far worse than mine and we were fast friends and STILL ARE - 55 years later.  I just came back from a week visiting her in the US.   My h had no such outlet as he chose to present the facade of the super cool guy which won him many friends  that he still has ongoing contact with.  But nothing was discussed then or now about childhood pain and feeling lack of love and acceptance. 

Okay I could go on but I’ve run out of time.   Thanks for listening and posting.  Great discussion. 

Interview with the author of The Shack:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6_A0-kyYXQ    This is a longer interview than the link posted earlier in the thread but,,,I was glued to it.   If you have the time, watch this longer interview.   I can’t imagine what could possibly be left out and still have the impact it did.  It does reference God and faith frequently but the central message is applicable to anyone so don’t let that deter you.  It’s well worth watching.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

But is this MLC???   Or just another emotionally maladjusted person who needs years of therapy?

I think these are the same thing.

I was also raised in a similar environment.   So why didn’t I have the so-called mid-life crisis?  or even a MLT?

I mean no disrespect but maybe your time hasn't come yet. If you were raised in a similar environment, it could still happen to you. We don't know before it happens that we're going to have a crisis. It's only afterwards, looking back, that we realize what happened.

[Anon]

MBIB - I am well past the age for having even a late life crisis.  Those here who have met me will confirm that, lol.   The next crisis that could possibly hit me would be an end of life crisis.   

I also cannot relate to years of chronic internal unhappiness or depression either.   Quite the opposite.  As far as whether MLC is the same as any other emotionally maladjusted chronically unhappy person?  Could be, but then is MLC just another ineffective way to deal with the “shack” and the unhappiness that comes with it.   If so, it seems like an unnecessary and confusing additional label.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

So why didn’t I have the so-called mid-life crisis?  or even a MLT? 

If this is a serious, rather than rhetorical, question I would propose that you probably had the opportunity to develop a secure attachment with somebody during your early years. It doesn't sound like your husband had that opportunity. Research seems to show that children with insecure attachments are at grave risk for future mental and emotional problems. It could be that you're resilient. It could also be that you were fortunate. And it could be that you're resilient because you were fortunate.

No child deserves a childhood like the one your husband had. I hope he's able to find a way to heal the damaged child within him.