[Anon]

So why didn’t I have the so-called mid-life crisis?  or even a MLT? 

If this is a serious, rather than rhetorical, question I would propose that you probably had the opportunity to develop a secure attachment with somebody during your early years. It doesn't sound like your husband had that opportunity. Research seems to show that children with insecure attachments are at grave risk for future mental and emotional problems. It could be that you're resilient. It could also be that you were fortunate. And it could be that you're resilient because you were fortunate.

No child deserves a childhood like the one your husband had. I hope he's able to find a way to heal the damaged child within him.

All this MBIB, I agree 100%.   “There, but for the grace of God go I”.   I also hope my h finds healing and happiness one day.  If he ever gets unstuck and out of Replay,,,maybe.   Thanks for your comments. 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Thank you, Anon, for your gracious response. I was afraid I might have pushed too hard. I do that sometimes. 

[Not Applicable]

I remember very early on someone advising that actually it’s better if it ISNT MLC - affairs do happen but actually the majority of affairs don’t end in the unfaithful spouse leaving (lots of research out there to read) or the bizarre behaviours we see. I would say the chances of a non MLC leaver returning are probably higher. Having someone in MLC is not the preference. Once I started having an explanation for some of the bizarre behaviours and seemingly complete personality changes before BD and then running away within a matter of days from BD, I knew something more was going on.

This is a really interesting comment and I have been thinking about it the last few days. It made me ask myself: If this is so, then why have we been sold this story that many MLCers will come out of it and want to return? Why is MLC made out to be some sort of hopeful situation when really it is crappier than your garden variety affair?

I got to thinking about how HB and I think RCR have articles about the difference between an MLC affair and an exit affair. But that is actually a red herring. Because there is something else other than an MLC OR exit affair. Namely, an affair that doesn't involve MLC and ends without divorce. And I thought about it. In that situation, the person having the affair probably doesn't undergo such a personality change. The spouse may sense something but in some cases they won't. In some cases the affair will end without the spouse even knowing about it, or when they find out, the cheater will end it immediately and recommit to their marriage and spouse. This probably accounts for more situations, so why on earth is MLC seen as somehow more of a hopeful situation than that?!?

So I got to thinking about RCR and HB's motivations. RCR, when she made this site, was very clear that her goal was to reduce the divorce rate. Well, if you want to do that, then the first thing you need to do is to convince the LBS to hang on. So you have to give them some hope. The same thing with HB, she is very against divorce and in support of standing. So both have a motivation to make it seem like MLC is a temporary thing that will be over and result in a better marriage. Because if the focus was simply on replay, no one in their right mind would stand.

But what Sparkle says above makes it seem even more counterintuitive that there are many people in this forum who have been basically waiting for their spouses to come back, get better, etc etc. for years. Why are people encouraged to stand in the worst of cases?

I think HB and RCR's descriptions of the MLC process are pretty accurate. But I find myself questioning more and more their relationship advice, partially because I think their agenda to save marriages is applied to all indiscriminately and not all MLC affected marriages are salvageable.

[Standing Strong]

I think you hit it on the head NYM........ the difference being "Affair" and "Exit Affair".

"Normal" affair, yeah they (may) come back (would you want them?).
"Exit affair", they are gone and it's over.

One long term, one quick.

Personally, I'd choose MLC over either of these.
"Normal" affair"? Nope. Goodbye. I'm not going to be married to a tramp. It would take something extraordinary for me to reverse my heart on that one.
"Exit affair"? Well, the choice would be made for me. There's nothing to do. Goodbye.
MLC affair or "just" MLC? That's a tough one isn't it? Is it "them" or isn't it?  There is so much to have compassion for in MLC, and with compassion is love and forgiveness. That personality change is a swerve no one can see coming, or know what to do with it.

I'd take MLC over the flavors of standard affairs any day. Worst part is time. MLC takes the most by far. I watched a video saying a standard affair takes two years of work to regain trust. That's just a warm up for a MLC'er. LOL!!!! Spending our limited and valuable time currency at midlife on someone that may not have a return on investment is just too high a cost for many (and it's understandable).

-SS

[Not Applicable]

Come back in 3 years and tell us if you think MLC is so wonderful like you think it is now.

Every newbie suffers from a "my midlifer is different" syndrome, that their MLC will be mild and they will get through it with minimal disruption and damage to their life, their relationship and everything else, that all they need to do is be a perfect spouse and their MLCer will magically be cured.

It doesn't work that way. It either is MLC and will get a lot uglier and unpleasant for you and her than it is now, or it isn't MLC, and it won't.

You really need to get over yourself. You aren't so special that you can cure an MLCer without them having to wreak havoc with your life.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I agree with everything Standing Strong wrote. MLC is completely different because it is so unexpected and the MLCer changes so drastically. Although we may question whether it's MLC, deep inside we know that this is not the person we knew and that the person we knew would never have had either an affair or an exit affair.

Why are people encouraged to stand in the worst of cases?

This is easy to ask but how do you know which cases are the worst? I couldn't tell you which ones are more likely to have a successful outcome.

You really need to get over yourself. You aren't so special that you can cure an MLCer without them having to wreak havoc with your life.

Perhaps you could explain why you felt the need to make a comment like this because to me it just seems cold and cruel. I thought you were better than this.

[marvin4242]

I know my wife is going through MLC, and it is the most terrible thing she has gone through as far as I know (and I know her past very well and there are some doozies there). The pattern of MLC is just so clear when you step away a little bit, it is so different than an exit affair or just a failing relationship.

And I will say I do not wish MLC on anyone, even my enemies. In a lot of ways I wish my wife was not going through MLC, rather she had an “exit affair,” that she simply drifted away. If that was the case my life and the changes would still be exactly the same, I will be fine and am living my life in the new reality. But at least I would know that this person I shared most of my life with, for whom I care deeply and have loved could or would be happy. That actually would be a relief. Sometimes I even imagine she is happy, back to her old joyful self, and living a great life with another person (or alone). When I do I feel lighter and its so much easier to move on. But then all the details of what has happened creep back in and I remember the look of pain and confusion on her face. One thing I did that has helped me a lot is I would take notes as I interacted with her. Because sometimes even I start wondering was it all real, or am I just coming up with excuses to make myself feel better. Then reading about the behaviors, things she said, and just whiplash back and forth reminds me no, none of it was normal.

I think a lot of people at start think they can get a hold of MLC and they can “fix” it. They misread the GAL and move on as a trick, that if they do that they will simply survive the help their spouse. It’s natural specially if you don’t have a lot of experience with human psychology, trauma and mental fractures. It’s easy to imagine this is kind of a serious game. But when you understand what is going on when someone falls deeply into a condition we call MLC you realize what a significant event this is, that if there is recovery it will be something akin to recovering from near death experience and being flown to shock trauma. But its hard to internalize this understanding of how badly off our loved ones are.

Maybe we all need to live in denial until we recover enough to start confronting the real truth. I know its been said a lot but all the stages of grieving also apply to the LBS. Denial/bargaining is a big part of the early days.

[Acorn]

Every newbie suffers from a "my midlifer is different" syndrome, that their MLC will be mild and they will get through it with minimal disruption and damage to their life, their relationship and everything else, that all they need to do is be a perfect spouse and their MLCer will magically be cured.

Yep, that’s me!

It doesn't work that way. It either is MLC and will get a lot uglier and unpleasant for you and her than it is now, or it isn't MLC, and it won't.

Yep, it did get very ugly, very unpleasant, very unbelievable, very nasty...

And then this happened:

But when you understand what is going on when someone falls deeply into a condition we call MLC you realize what a significant event this is, that if there is recovery it will be something akin to recovering from near death experience and being flown to shock trauma. But its hard to internalize this understanding of how badly off our loved ones are.

I would not wish MLC on my worst enemy. 

[Granite]

“Come back in 3 years and tell us if you think MLC is so wonderful like you think it is now.”

Actually how ‘bout stick around and continue to document your experiences for us.

“Every newbie suffers from a "my midlifer is different" syndrome, that their MLC will be mild and they will get through it with minimal disruption and damage to their life, their relationship and everything else, that all they need to do is be a perfect spouse and their MLCer will magically be cured.”

(Sample of one speaking) I never felt my Wife was different. Quite the contrary as I identified her as very similar to other people’s spouses. I learned this thanks to this site and it’s contributors. Not sure what a perfect spouse is, not sure I'd even want one, but for sure I didn't put any weight into the -If I just do this or that she'll return mentality-

“It doesn't work that way. It either is MLC and will get a lot uglier and unpleasant for you and her than it is now, or it isn't MLC, and it won’t.”

Really?  This is garaunteed? 100%? or is just very likely?

“You really need to get over yourself. You aren't so special that you can cure an MLCer without them having to wreak havoc with your life.”

 Yes Mr.Stand, how dare you step out of line and try to do things differently!!!!  Oh wait,  it is the people who are willing to try new things, to explore other possibilities and outcomes that move the world forward.  Please carry on….

[3Boys4Me]

In my opinion, this is where some posters cross the line - telling someone they are not “special” and to “get over themselves” is insulting and disparaging. So unfortunate that a person would stoop to this level with anyone, even more so someone who’s bomb drop was recent.

For me, I too am almost comforted by the fact that this experience is MLC - and my husband is at the extreme end of the spectrum... that said, the man I knew for 18 years prior to bomb drop was a loving, hilarious, responsible man who cherished his wife and sons. And while many do not return or want to reconcile, many do. I would rather consider this time my opportunity to grow and evolve as an individual, support and guide my children’s growth. I had a really lovely life and marriage - I was blessed beyond imagination, my desire is to stand in the gap for my husband as he goes through his identity crisis, I consider this the “or worse” portion of my vows. And at the end of the day, if he never chooses to recreate any kind of relationship, friendship or rebuilt marriage, I will know that I honored my marriage, was true to myself, my boys, my vows and my husband. Does that mean I will stand for ever? At this point choosing to stand is a daily decision, I don’t know what the future brings...

It is a decision we all must make for ourselves - and if you are going through this, stay strong, know people are here to support you, and ignore those comments designed to bring you down