[Anon]

For the most part I believe my spouse is having a MLC.  It explains a lot about why my happy life was blown up.  The overnight abandonment, presence of the AP, change in appearance, focus on fitness, etc.

But,,, there is still a nagging doubt it’s really MLC.  In my case the doubt comes from this:  He’s too nice, too polite, very careful not to hurt me any more, too helpful, and too willing to help if I ask.   Basically, I have not seen MONSTER.  It’s almost a given that MLCers monster, isn’t it?   His daughter sees monster occasionally I believe.  Possibly the ow but I doubt it. 

There are other reasons that I think it might not be MLC but the lack of monster is the biggest reason.   I think there are more MLC indicators than not, but the lack of monster over 2.5 years since BD has me wondering. 

Are you wondering in your own situation? 

[Not Applicable]

I am not familiar with your story to give you an opinion one way or the other.

I know I am not alone though in thinking there are quite a few people on this forum who are not dealing with MLCers based on the descriptions they have given.

But if you go re-read the homepage for this web site, with all the implied outcomes it suggests of an MLC you will see why someone who does not want to lose their spouse would latch on to the idea it is MLC, whether their particular situation points to it or not. This site is selling the idea that MLC is something temporary and you can get your spouse back. What's not to like about that if you don't want your marriage to end? Threads like Shock Sis' thread are selling this fantasy big time and there are a lot of people who will defend it blindly, even though they have no evidence that their spouses are interested in coming back at this time.

Unfortunately, you can't tell someone they aren't dealing with an MLCer without upsetting them on this forum because if they aren't an MLCer, then maybe the problem is with the marriage, or them, or their spouse simply is done. No one wants to hear that.

I think if you want a more objective analysis of your situation, post your story along with a poll with 3 options-it's MLC, it's not MLC, not sure. That way you can gauge the collective wisdom of the forum and get others' honest opinions. I think that would be the best way to do it. In fact, I think someone did do that a while back and I think every vote was for it being MLC.

[Limboland2018]

Hi anon

I often wonder if my ex is in mlc or if he just fell in love with someone else and she just happens to be the love of his life. Perhaps it’s as simple as “love” and I am complicating matters and making excuses by describing his behaviour as an mlc.

In saying that I saw monster. There was no physical abuse but definitely emotional and psychological abuse to both myself and my then 2 year old daughter. My nanny also saw the emotional  abuse to our daughter. He was supposed to take care of her but instead would fly to a different country to spend weekends with his “friends”. (Girlfriend). My nanny saw him close the door on her while she is crying to be be let into the room.  He turned narcissistic. He was always selfish but not to the degree of abandoning his longed for daughter. He moved countries to be with his girlfriend and just abandoned us.

So his personality completely flipped. He has become someone who he despises. But once again this woman could be the love of his life and his daughter and I are in the way.

[Granite]

My Wife displays all the indicators of a crisis, except for Monster.  I know based on her history that there is more than simply MLC going on with her though.

Having said that, pre-Drop she did display anger and frustration toward me. No “monster” though.  At times after drop she was outwardly caring and considerate and behind my back telling people she feared for her life.  This would occur within the same hour.  I stayed clear of her and these days she blames her terror on her therapist.  Who knows?

The hardest part of this journey was finding my own place of understanding as to what is going on with her.  Questioning is part of all this, but the uncertainty can be hindering to our progress.

I know what you are feeling and in time I am sure you will come to your own solid understanding and place of calm.

Ultimately it really is up to each of us to decide what is going on with our loved ones.

[Treasur]

Think most of us wonder at times, Anon.

For me, after a while, the more useful question behind the question was why I wanted to know for sure.

In my case, I wasn't standing so not looking for the reasssurance that NYM describes although I understand why others might.

I think mostly it was about two questions, both about my own sense of sanity lol. Did I imagine the very different person I shared my life with for so many years? And is/was some of what happened no matter what I did truly as surreal and abnormal as it felt at the time?

Bit by bit, I found a way to mostly answer those questions well enough to make peace with it. To this day, I don't know exactly how to label it tbh.. and.my xh was diagnosed with depression/OCD and under psychiatric care, no idea if that was right either as a diagnosis as in many ways he got more bonkers not less after months of therapy &a medication....so I accept that something I call WIW (whatever it was) happened to my then h and his solution was to erase his old life and make a new one. With maximum destruction and a sense of underpinning rage and a missing empathy chip lol. The exact nature or causes of the WIW is probably more relevant to his life now than to mine. Jmo.

[Mortesbride]

I know for a fact there is SOMETHING seriously wrong with Beast.

Is it MLC exactly? Hard to say. Most likely he is a Narc or just a nut job.

Kinda doesn't matter to much what the label is at this point other than knowing how to cope with our interactions.

I think the more important thing is to really look inside yourself and see how you feel about it all.

How did you feel in the lead up to BD, during BD, since BD?

How do you feel about the imaginary scenario of him coming back? Does it fill you with joy or dread?

If he never comes back what is it that you want? If you could pick the ideal man what would he be like?

If your MLCer were to come back semi healed could he be any of those things?

At the end of the day this whole $h!tee storm is as much about us as it is them. We get to really look at ourselves, our behaviours, and what we want.

The label we put on it hardly matters, but I do think sometimes we hide behind the labels to not look at the tough questions.

[barbiedoll]

I believe it is 100% natural to question what exactly this is . I would almost guarantee every single person has wondered the exact same thing, I certainly know that I did. It would certainly be great if there was a blood test for all that ails them and then we would know. But we certainly would never get them to the doctor anyway. Even now, from time to time I question this exact thing ...did he really have a MLC or just a fling before the old age home ? When I read about MLC and clearly see my husband ….I feel "better", for all the reasons NYM mentioned. Of all odd things , the very 1st therapist we saw told me flat out and straight up...you husband is having an identity crisis . At the time, I had to google what the hell that even meant. My husband has been in therapy for near 5 years to deal with his "crisis" and his catastrophic childhood issues. My husband totally believes and states that he had a MLC. So  I KNOW that he had a mlc ( correction: he is STILL in some sort of unrest internally) and still I have moments of doubt. We are "normal" I think. We just need confirmation as to exactly WHAT happened ...it is that traumatic.

I had monster , oh indeed I had monster . Sometimes a firetruck you monster and other times a shocked monster who would say " what the hell is wrong with me ?" He was nasty, cruel and selfish beyond any description. I do not believe that they ALL monster ..some have more internal control perhaps. My husband occasionally apologized after monster because he did "not want to hurt me ". But , he sure did.

I agree 100% that there are some members on HS that seems spouse is not in MLC. I have seen that and thought that many times. I do not think your husband could have 9 out of 10 indicators ..but because he does not "monster" you do not believe it is MLC. Utter and complete vanishers do not monster either ...that we can see. They just disappear.  I do not believe there is anyway to be 100% positively sure ...but there certainly are clear indications. I believe my husband had a MLC 99.999%.

[Treasur]

I always found this a pretty useful list http://whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.com/2013/07/signs-of-depression-in-mlc.html

It's funny but I think we must all have some kind of mental checklist where we read a post and go yup....or probably...or hmmm doesn't sound like it. Well at least about others posts lol. I wonder what is on our mental lists? For instance, whilst I respected that Anjae always said she had an MLC, how she described it didn't sound like my picture of an MLC but more like a kind of situational depression. Why? And with the caveat that this is just based on the little she has said about it, I never picked up either that sense of simmering rage or staggering kind of really extreme self-centredness that is so strange to see in an adult and which makes dealing with them rationally feel so WTF.

I had a mostly silent vanisher Anon so the Monster I experienced was more covert and passive....but I could still feel the rage or need for control underneath often if that makes sense. Perhaps we get the kind of Monster they think will hurt or control us most? I got ghosting and gaslighting and a kind of secret war of theft and secrets that I didn't find out about factually for well over a year....for my character, and given what else was happening, I suspect being ignored and unheard was the most damaging thing Monster could do both emotionally and practically. Monster spew in my face probably would have seemed so nonsensical that it would have been less damaging to me....ha ha, the gift of a big ego lol.

[3Boys4Me]

Hi Anon,

Really understandable question.  During our divorce proceedings in my state. We had to attend (separately) a day long co-parenting class to prepare for life with children after D. A whole section of that class was devoted to the stages of D - the pre- stages at home, separation and ultimately D. There was a huge disconnect it what my kids and I were experiencing versus a “typical” divorce. MLC seems to come out of the blue and slams you into complete shock and disbelief.

Here’s some questions I would ask you..
We’re you shocked or seriously surprised at bomb drop?
Did you have some issues in your marriage but they were “typical” relationship woes and didn’t rise to the level where you thought your marriage was at risk?
Did your spouse seem to change almost overnight?
Is your spouse behaving in a way that seems at odds to his value system?
Does your spouse seem to be confused or send you mixed or contradictory messages?
Has your spouse become forgetful?
Did other relationships change with pets, family, friends, etc?
Has your spouse rewritten history? Are even the “good years” now glossed over?
Is your spouse critical of things you do or say? Where before he may have loved these traits/quirks?


I don’t think your spouse has to be in monster to be in MLC. Lots of people split up, get divorced etc - IMO,  your gut and intuition will tell you if this is “normal” or something different, like MLC, driving this behavior.

Does it make a difference? Maybe it does. In MLC if a person makes it through the tunnel, they MAY want to return and you MAY want to be open to that, so you choose to live your life as if they are never returning but remain open to the possibility.  For other people, if they believe the door is shut or very unlikely for a future relationship, then they may choose to just shut the door themselves.

Either way, you get to choose the right path for yourself. 

[3Boys4Me]

Treasure, I think that’s the best, most comprehensive list available on-line. Thanks for reminding.