[Thunder]

MB I don't think the alienator doesn't matter, they do, they complicate things more, but I just think the alienator could have been anyone willing to date, or have an affair with a married person.  There's nothing special about them.

Yes they are broken people and broken attracts broken.  Any kind of broken.

[Not Applicable]

I have always believed staying home is important. In fact, from the beginning I told my H if he left it would be over. At one point a little over a year ago, he asked me what would have happened if he had left. I told him we would have already been divorced, and THAT would have come from MY end.

It's not even because it is MLC. Living apart breaks the connection between spouses. You don't have a marriage if you are apart but even if they are a pain in the ass, if they are home, at least there is some connection that is maintained, as well as an opportunity to restore things at any time.

[Watcher]

I agree NYM. At least while I was living at home there was some type of connection. My personal opinion there is no way back from our divorce. The connection is broken the longer we are apart. TBH it's been broken as we have lived years in NC.

In our case my filing just reaffirms in her mind that she was justified in walking away 4.5 years ago. I abandoned her now like she always knew I would.

[Finding Joy]

Reconnection seems much more likely for the ones that do not leave.  In my case I’m glad mine left because I was scared and it was escalating.  Also, my kids were being exposed to too much Monster.

That said, staying gives a much better chance for the marriage to work.  For those of us with young kids that kind of forces a certain level of cooperation that in some ways could facilitate reconnection.  You have to learn to work together and in my case it has become friendly between us...to an extent.

[Slow Fade]

For what its worth, mine left and then came back. He was out of the house for a good 2 - 3 years. I don't know what the predictive answers are. 

[One day at a time]

I'm also from the club that there's a lot more chance to reconnect when the MLCer stays home. Having said that, I don't know if I would have been able to handle years of bad behaviour, the 7 months he lived with me really affected me mentally and emotionally and now I'm truly starting to see how deep those wounds are.. So maybe he actually did me a favour by running away.

I also agree that once they leave, the connection eventually dies.. I don't know if my H will ever look back at this stage but from my side, the bond is gone. He destroyed it by leaving and I can't see getting it back even if he wants to return.

[megogirl]

One day

I agree with your statement- MLC does kill the bond.  I believe that’s the main reason why so few marriages survive this.

But for me, I’m willing to rebuild that bond.  But I’m not even Standing for “us.”  I’m Standing for S16 and (hopefully) for our future grandchildren.  Because for as rampant as divorce has become, i don’t want S16 to come from a broken home.

I am adamant about that.

[Watcher]

Well yes that is the other side of the coin Finding Joy, One Day At A Time. Monster. Some of them make it impossible to live with and the kids see way too much. So it's best that someone does leave in that situation. That's usually me. However, it is a lot better for me emotionally, mentally, and physically being separated.

[Disillusioned]

Reconnection seems much more likely for the ones that do not leave.  In my case I’m glad mine left because I was scared and it was escalating.  Also, my kids were being exposed to too much Monster.

That said, staying gives a much better chance for the marriage to work.  For those of us with young kids that kind of forces a certain level of cooperation that in some ways could facilitate reconnection.  You have to learn to work together and in my case it has become friendly between us...to an extent.

My sense is this is true as well.  My W kept saying she could live like we were living indefinitely, because she had been "doing it for a long time."  Well, that was news to me.  However, as the crazy escalated, she moved out of the bedroom, took off her ring and declared she "was an adult and could date if she wanted to and that I needed to go firetruck her out of my system" and my D7 was sequestered with her at the other end of the house, I decided that it wasn't a tenable arrangement.  Against my better judgment, and the advice of several good people on HS, I moved out.

I know she wasn't ready for it.  As I was walking out of the door, she said  "I didn't know you were leaving."  (She had been mocking my rushed evenings after work reviewing properties and putting in credit apps for 3 months.  I guess she didn't believe me?)  She also said "You know I needed to get over that relationship, and that I've been menopausal for years.  I've got more testosterone in me than you do."     She made sure that I saw she had scheduled an emergency therapy session on our shared calendar the next day, when she had stopped posting those for me to see months ago.

It's sad, really.  We're nearing two years physically separated, and she is adamant we're done.  She filed for divorce in May, but true to MLC form, didn't tell me and hasn't done another thing to move it forward.  Says she felt "attacked and ambushed" when I went and got an attorney after finding out she filed.     I'm starting to feel that had I stayed, my chances to save the marriage might be much improved.

Many things have happened the past two years, and there's been a lot of misunderstandings and assumptions that have further eroded our relationship.  For those of you with a spiritual background, I firmly believe that there are forces that conspire to destroy marriage.  I've never put much stock in that before, but as I look back at the "coincidences" that have happened since I moved out that have lead to further mistrust and resentment, I can't help believe there is some agent at work. 

Her anger from some of these misunderstandings was palpable, but I had no idea at the time where it was coming from (other than MLC) She monstered any time we spoke for a year after we moved out, and didn't allow me to see her dying mother.  I knew her for 18 years.  I wasn't invited to the funeral. 

Anyway, sorry for going off track.  In summation:  I think if both stay in the house, there's a better chance to make it through.

[KeepItTogether]

 In summation:  I think if both stay in the house, there's a better chance to make it through.

I agree. Also b/c the LBS is more invested in this sense as well. Everyone is at home so truly, living a single life is not possible. I've noticed 2 distinct types of LBS that are physically separated from their respective spouses.  One type is the one that truly forges  ahead and can grow in a way they probably couldn't have if the MLCer were living at home. I've always said it takes a mighty strong LBS to deal with a live-in MLCer and be able to detach. I am not so sure I would be able to. And I can also see that as time goes by I personally am less invested with MLCer. Less affected by him. And even though I still love him, I think that if I met someone right now, I may even be able to forget about him altogether.