[Jackolar12]

RCR Here

This was split from here: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 10
I have split at this post because it seemed where the new topic may have started.

Some valid posts for the original thread are still in here and we will have to return those to the original as we find them--I can do some of that, but will likely get called away before I can do too much.
This new discussion may have multiple tangents--it's not only about the title I have it.


What boggles me is that a lot of MLCers decide not to implode their lives and work through these turbulent times. What’s the difference between a work it out or a person that implodes their marriage?

[megogirl]

Jack, what MLCers do you speak of?

Because I would make the argument that anyone who chose to “work it out” was never in MLC in the first place - they simply screwed up.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I'm with Mego. I'd like to hear more about these MLCers who work it out.

[nah]

Wallowers.

[Jackolar12]

Mego Jim Conway for one and his wife, they worked it through is it character or religious beliefs that save them from imploding ? I have several friends who have gone through it and are still together I don’t know their belief systems. Asia and other countries that value old age seem to fare better than Westernised countries though. And dare I say it Larry Billota and wife if this is to be believed. Yes perhaps Wallowers have it milder and it would be nice to have input from some of them. Are stay at home Mlcers all Wallowers and what stops them abandoning, its hard to understand this phenomenon no wonder science and the medical community turn their backs, it’s such a mess.

[Milly]

I immagine it might be a combination of factors that cause some MLCers to get through this stage in life without blowing up the family.

From the couple of cases I know in RL, I would say that the original triggers were the same: parent/peer dying/oldest kid going away to school, the anger/grumpy/always complaining man/woman is the same, but possibly there needs to be a second major trigger to push them into a full blown crisis as opposed to a transition. The appearance of an OW could do this, for example. Or maybe even extreme financial difficulties: house going into foreclosure, business failing, gambling, huge debt. Like a pressure overbuild.

I would also say how the LBS is behaving at home at that point might also be a contributing factor. Many on here are completely shocked on the day they are bombdropped, with their Hs having just told them they loved them that morning, but others, like me, had been going through this nightmare for a few years already without knowing what it was. Our Hs had distanced themselves, were extremely difficult to live with, did not pull their weight and if you were like me, you were complaining to them a lot. This might also have been a contributing factor. Before you all start getting heated up, I'm not saying it's a fault of the LBS, just that she unknowingly added to that pressure.

I know from friends and family whose kids have had drug problems in the past, that it takes a combination of 'perfect' situations to lead a kid into addiction. Take away one of those major contributory situations and the addiction can't take off. Almost like the triangle of fire if you know about that: fuel, oxygen, spark. Without any of these 3, a fire can't happen. I think it's similar with MLC as opposed to MLT.

[Jackolar12]

Milly, my Mlcer had everything going for her and she still blew up, it was bizzare the things she said and did it would have made a good television sitcom if it wasn't so painful. Perhaps success might be a factor in some cases of MLC. There's just so many variables to try to consider to get your head around the situation.

[Acorn]

What boggles me is that a lot of MLCers decide not to implode their lives and work through these turbulent times. What’s the difference between a work it out or a person that implodes their marriage?

Jackolar, if I may, please.

Though my H was/is a live-in MLCer, he imploded our marriage and family. 
I think some do it with a nuclear head, others with a thousand grenades.  The result is the same.  Nothing left of M or family. 

The most important factor in our situation that facilitated healing in M and F is the fact that he never left, though he was thoroughly tempted. That was the line he would not cross.  I saw and heard him struggle with the urge to the point of torment.  By God’s grace, he did not cross that self-imposed line. 

Just my 2 cents’, based on a sample of one. 

[rosetintedglasses]

I see what you are asking Jackolar.

When I read your comment Acorn I immediately thought of my situation and how I should have somehow kept my H in the house, looking back after 2 years should I have tried harder. He did stay for one year after BD and like your H he seemed to really really try to fight the urge to abandon. He was in constant contact with OW1 though and I couldn’t have lived with that. If I remember correctly  your H stopped his A when you found out Acorn? Sorry if I got that wrong.

Jack I think you are asking, as an example, why did my H move out then move on to OW2 and Acorn’s H stop his A, stay at home and not get an OW2? If the LBS has no impact on the MLC (and in this example I believe I am a similar type of LBS to Acorn, we both treated them with decency and boundaries and we also have a 3rd floor suite where he could have retreated to) it must be down to the MLCer, circumstance and luck.

Another example is Barbie, her H had a much worse childhood than my H but her H came home and my H has not.

What i’m Probably saying is it doesn’t make sense but then, we knew that didn’t we! Sorry Jack, not much help!

Rose 🌹

[MyBrainIsBroken]

The popular belief on the forum seems to be that the OP doesn't matter but I don't believe that. Some OPs are simply broken people but others are extremely manipulative predators. MLCers are broken and easily influenced by a manipulative OP.

I also believe the MLCers fight/flight stress response influences the path of the MLC. I think the wallower's natural stress response is to freeze rather than fight or flee.

My natural stress response is to freeze. When I'm stressed I tend to just shut down. I believe that and the fact that I didn't stumble across an ow explain why I was a wallower.

Just my opinions.