[Whyus]

Wow Acorn, good Job.
I didnt expect the numbers to be that low tbh, I would have put my Money on 10%.
10% could be Right if you were to add the pink thread Posters. Still interesting all the same.

[Nas]

In fact, because HS promotes standing and we celebrate reconciliation, the likelihood of the reconciled members sharing the fact could be greater than those who did not reconcile and did not choose to report that fact on HS.   That means even the 1/4 of 1% could be an inflated figure.

I had a whole thread on this over the summer and it got me in a lot of trouble.  I certainly hope Acorn's post will be taken as simply the information it is and not an attack against hope or a personal affront to standers.
But I still wholeheartedly agree.  Reconciliation is so celebrated, the idea of people reconciling and not sharing that info with the forum (whether by posting themselves or sending word through a forum friend they speak to offline) seems unlikely to be a common occurrence.  And out of all of the forum members past and present, the number of reconciliations do seem to be quite few.

I was recently working as a project manager on a freelance job where a rogue freelancer sort of dipped off the radar just before a very tight deadline and I couldn't locate her to find out if she had even done the work assigned.  She wasn't responding to emails or phone calls and I suspected she was avoiding me because she had taken on and promised more than she could deliver.  I finally got so frustrated, I emailed her and simply said, "I need the news, even if it's bad news."
I feel like that applies in a lot of cases.  The facts are as important as hope.  We need and deserve both.  It's up to us what we do with both of those things.

[Acorn]

I didnt expect the numbers to be that low tbh, I would have put my Money on 10%.
10% could be Right if you were to add the pink thread Posters. Still interesting all the same.

I counted the pink threads.  17 posters.
17 pink + 12 purple = 29.
29 out of 4926 posters = 0.6 percent. 

You figure of 10% is 16.6 times higher. 

By the way, I do not think anyone can conjecture that the pink threads will become purple in the future.

[Not Applicable]

Statistically, it would not be very wrong to extend WhyUs's comments about 1 or 2 posters to all of us. It doesn't matter who we are, the chances are low regardless.

[Not Applicable]

This is a quote from Sparklestar that I think is relevant:

I remember very early on someone advising that actually it’s better if it ISNT MLC - affairs do happen but actually the majority of affairs don’t end in the unfaithful spouse leaving (lots of research out there to read) or the bizarre behaviours we see. I would say the chances of a non MLC leaver returning are probably higher. Having someone in MLC is not the preference. Once I started having an explanation for some of the bizarre behaviours and seemingly complete personality changes before BD and then running away within a matter of days from BD, I knew something more was going on.

[Treasur]

Good point, NYM  and worth reminding us of Spatklestar's comment.
Both bc of their choices over time and the damage of their behaviour from an LBS POV, both sides of the 'come back' coin are low.

[lawprofessor]

Acorn I was putting together those same numbers.

 However my count suggests there are only 11 deep purple posters as Sobeit has 2 threads.  So fractionally lower results.

Also note that includes threads with a last posted date as far back as March 2017.

Then if we include the light purple I think there are 16 additional threads as well as Songanddances threads that she has since changed from light purple to the standard white if I remember correctly.

I'm well aware someone  will come along to note that not all those reconnecting or reconciled post for a variety of reasons that they will make guesses about. 

Can you imagine the number of those there would have to be, to be statistically relevant? 

Then there will be those who say well I know x who reconciled or I know of xs cousins father's neighbor who reconciled after x years. 

Again that doesn't change the numbers with any statistical relevance.

Then there will be those who object arguing all this is taking away my hope as though anyone else is responsible for whether or not they chose to lose hope.  Funnily enough some of these same will be the ones who recently posted in the last round asserting they don't want or need to be protected.

I would argue it's a win to divorce with grace.  The site preaches that a return entails it's a whole new relationship.  That seems infinitely more possible if one has divorced with grace rather than divorced with anger. 

I still can't see how the reality of the situation is being considered a negative that somehow endangers the site and the message of the site.

If truth and reality can actually do that, the message and purpose of the site need to be reexamined in my opinion as I'm not interested in participating in selling snake oil to vulnerable and desperate souls.

As well, there is a gross overstepping going on when a site purposefully censors, refuses to allow discussion, or says well yes, but those people will figure that out sometime in the future, the information available to users because the site or its members fear it could impact their decisions and usage of the site. A message should have more to stand on then that.  People are making decisions about their future and their lives based on purposefully incomplete information.  That's not fair to them, it's simply wrong, and it's ethically and morally wrong.  Yes, in my opinion.

Finally, you may note that this brings us back full circle to NYM questions/thoughts...


/////////////////

My response to the original post topic:

The MLC lens:  In time I think all of our answers to this question change or should redefine as we grow and heal.  Those who's answers fail to adjust with time are those who are stuck and hindered by the MLC lens. 

At first the MLC lens gave me an "explanation" of what was happening.  Comparing the explanation to the reality kept me busy for a short time as I tested and tried it out to see if it fit.

However, I was not having a MLC so the MLC lens became of no use to me in helping me to heal, helping me to survive, to grow, and to thrive. The MLC lens is a made up construct that may be useful in the beginning but if one continues to look through it, one often times stays a codependent conflict avoidant train-wreck focusing on the MLCer rather than healing oneself.  I chose to look through the windshield of the car I was driving rather than the windshield of a car careening down another path.

How would I define stuck all these years later?

Stuck is a level of emotional immaturity.  It can be akin to a toddler having a tantrum on one end of the spectrum and on the other choosing to sit and wallow for a few days before one picks themselves up and moves forward. 

Stuck is unhealthy.  It's unhealthy for one's self and for those around the stuck person.  When I started here, there were a group of really funny guys.  One of them told me the story of why a crab fisherman doesn't have to cover his bucket of crabs.  He sent me a cartoon of a courageous crab that wanted desperately to live.  The crab fought herself out from under a pile of other crabs and was about to escape from the bucket when one of the first crabs that was caught, an older, slow moving crab that had been in the bucket for a long time, grabbed the younger crab and held on tightly to her so she was unable to escape the bucket, repeatedly trying to pull her down into the bucket with all the other crabs that were wallowing in the bottom of the bucket until she was exhausted.  He said I had a choice, I could fight my way out or I could join the rest of the crabs in the bottom of the bucket and wallow in a self imposed hell.   

Stuck is like a rotten vegetable or fruit in a drawer of the refrigerator.  It infects the pieces surrounding it. 
Stuck shrieks and yells about the unfairness of it all.
Stuck is an emotional vampire, a black hole sucking the life out of all those around her as she finds pleasure and company in the despair of others so that she is not alone.
Stuck feels great compassion and makes excuses for the MLCer but viciously attacks a fellow LBS who differs in opinion.
Stuck takes everything or anything personally. 
Stuck lies and uses anything to keep her fellow crabs in the bucket.
Stuck is focused on control and keeping things status quo.
Stuck feeds depression great doses of pity.
Stuck is scared to be alone, scared to face her demons, and is angry with anyone who has faced their demons fearing she is judged by them.
Stuck takes no responsibility for her behavior.  Someone is always provoking her, hurting her, attacking her, some reason to excuse her behavior.
Stuck arms herself with the cloak of a martyr and hopes all others will notice her sacrifices and praise her because she has not matured into developing her own identity.
Stuck is a teenager that talks behind others backs, afraid to have an intelligent and mature discussion because she is not confident enough in herself and her identity to be comfortable with others having a different opinion.

The propensity to be stuck is in anyone, LBS and MLCer.  It is a also a choice we make.  One can aspire to be Queen Crab of a very small pond or one can grow up and embrace life with the peace that comes with maturity but sadly not with always with age.

What is stuck truly?

Stuck is fear and depression and anger and guilt all wrapped in an emotionally immature person.  It is ugly.  It is everything our MLCer's struggle with and do battle with as they progress through this journey.  But too many LBS'S refuse to do just what they hope and pray their MLCer will do.

3 for Treasur:

1.  Considering that a sample of 1 could have relevant and explanatory value to my personal situation when there are huge differences in circumstances, personalities of parties involved, type of MLCer, among other things.

An aside: be often wondered if Rcr had to go through that period all over again, under her current circumstances with children, at her age etc how would her behavior and focus change if at all?  How would her writing and advice change if at all?  Would she still have time to put heart stickers in his vehicle while her children ran about around her?  Would she still let him move out and in a bunch of times?  Would there be new articles about the message of standing to children?  What if he became a Vanisher instead of a Clinger, how would that change her writing if at all?

2.  Thinking that if i just learned enough about MLC I would heal and be able to move forward. That somehow all this would make sense. That was my ego not my brain that had to be addressed.

3.  That I needed him to live a happy, fulfilling, successful, productive life. 

Numbers 1 and 3 fell within a week.  My ego was more stubborn.

Lp

[Mortesbride]

I counted the pink threads.  17 posters.
17 pink + 12 purple = 29.
29 out of 4926 posters = 0.6 percent. 

0.6 percent or less. Would anyone here make a bet if they had that low a chance to win? Would you invest in something that was such high risk?

[RedStar]

I bring this up (or want to) every time the convo goes in the direction of using HS's "numbers" to take a stab at stats.

I am not a statistical researcher, but I wish someone on HS was, because I'm sure they could explain better that what is being counted is not a good correspondence to what you want to measure. It LOOKS relevant, but it really is not. I'm NOT saying that "there are more recons than what show up on HS." I'm saying that the numbers we see on HS simply do not correspond to any relative balance between recon and not.

There is, point blank, NO way to measure what you are trying to measure.

[lawprofessor]

Another number that may be of interest to some:

In the US, the rate of remarriage between spouses who divorced is 6% to 15% at the high end. 

So again here we are with NYM questions/thoughts.