Wow it’s been a while since I was last here. I saw 31’s message while I was on a plane to Bali with D20 and promised myself I would update when I got back. My last update was in August which I think was one of the suckiest months of the year. D17 was at her lowest. Regular psych appointments, anti-depressants and a forced change to her sleeping habits has turned that around and she has now applied for a beauty course next year and is excited. It will be a very good fit for her because she loves all that stuff. She had previously discounted that as a choice because she thought we would tell her that she was too smart for it.
S16 is finishing up his year of school and has quit one of his jobs and broken up with his long term girlfriend. We have had a few conversations with him about “pulling his head in” because he has been letting his hair down a fair bit and sliding into drinking etc. Overall, he has big dreams and is a very happy little camper.
D20 is still as happy as ever. She’s had a great year. It was her birthday in Nov and I made her a photo book that captured the previous years’ activities because there really was so much to put in it. We were sitting on the couch one night in Oct and she realised she had a week of annual leave at the end of her new roster. She asked me if I wanted to go to Bali with her so that’s what we did just after her birthday. It was amazing. I will definitely travel with her again because she’s just so chill.
H was a bit wobbly in August following his breakup with ow. He took one of his female work colleagues on a Harley ride one day while I was on a quick interstate trip with my friends and then was rostered to work for 3 straight days (including an overnight) with the girl he also dated last year while on a break from ow. He was flying out as I was flying back home so I met him in the lounge and spelled out the fact that my current field of vision included: Harley friend, last years ‘bit’ and ow (returning that week from her UK trip) and that it all seemed a bit hard. He explained that Harley friend was “like a sister” and that last years bit would likely call in sick for their rostered flying anyway – uhuh, whatever you think babe! She didn’t. What a shocker. I later asked him if he had invited one of his sisters on that Harley ride or even invited a male friend. No to both. I have since talked to him and shared my concern that I feel he is naïve about the mixed messages he sends his ‘sisters’ and ‘friends’.
Over the course of the next week he told me that ow had come back and that he’d considered flying to her town to see her but “couldn’t do that to you” and that he was due to be in her town the following week but wouldn’t see her. To his credit, he was super transparent when he was flying with ‘last years bit’ and also while in ow’s town. She knew he was going to be there though so I suspect she did see him, possibly for the last time?
Just before all this, he had launched us both into an ensuite renovation in my bedroom which probably helped him stay on the straight and narrow–ish during that wobbly time because he didn’t want to leave me with a gutted bathroom. That also gave him an excuse to spend all his spare time at our place.
September featured a couple of family birthdays that I wasn’t really invited to but H took me along anyway. I got the whole “oh sooo happy to see you” treatment. I then invited myself to FIL’s surprise birthday (organised by SIL) in Oct because if it hadn’t been a surprise, I know he would have invited me. H and I went together but separately and I actually got a little lost on the way. That resulted in a bit of a tantrum from me in which I was almost cross at H for not waiting for me when we got separated in traffic because “I haven’t been here in 3 years, you know” I said that enough times for H to just grab me and hold me….and then I broke down. As it turned out, he had pulled over to wait for me but I didn’t see him and I ended up in front. As he was on his motorbike, he couldn’t really call me but also DID NOT think I would get lost anyway. Lets face it, I wasn’t lost because I had a maps app but ya know, I just got a bit stressed.
D20 decided she wanted to do a wine tour for her birthday so H hired a bus and drove her and her friends around for the day. This is normally something he would have been drinking at but obviously he couldn’t. It was such a lovely day. He is still drinking a lot but his demeanour when drunk is more funny and less @$$hole (quoting S16 here)
Just before we headed to Bali, H and D20 flew together for the first time and H organised for me and D17 to go along with them on an overnight in another town. Gee that was fantastic. I was so proud. I had asked H if he wanted us to book a separate room for this trip or bunk in with them. This would have meant I was sharing with H and D20 and D17 would have been together. H hesitated about what the kids would think so I told him to get back to me and then just booked the room anyway.
The next night he phoned me a bit drunk and apologised for not being more open to sharing rooms. I told him it was no sweat and that I wasn’t in a rush to make that statement to the kids. That ended up being a R talk where he confirmed that he is not talking to anyone, let alone ow, at the moment but is still heavily processing things. I encouraged him to take his time and that I was focusing on the moments and really enjoying our time together. He ended up convincing me to sneak out of the house and go to his house to cuddle up with him. I left a note on my pillow in case one of the kids came into my room (highly unlikely) and went to H’s house. I was back by 6.15am the next morning – which was our overnight with H and D. No one knew I’d gone
There have been a number of sleepovers since and we are both cherishing going to sleep next to each other and waking up with each other. There is no talk of him moving back home yet despite the fact that he never sleeps at his place and that is pretty expensive. I think it suits us both right now. I think we need to get through Christmas and New Year without those big statements and just continue to inch forward in our healing, individually and as a couple.
We were both invited to his best friends annual party on Sat night. Huge bash. Last years bit (lyb) was going so I said I wouldn’t. I left it to H to decide what he would do. He stayed with me and we had another R talk. He is reluctant to talk negatively about ow or lyb but said that he had been a “c word” to both of them and ow 1 (2013). I asked him why he thought that was and he mostly thought that it was because they weren’t me. I asked him how he managed to have respect for a woman who would take that treatment from him and he looked a little blank. If I could have interpreted his look, it would have meant that he couldn't lose respect for someone he never had respect for in the first place. He said he knew it would never last but that he had developed feelings for her and was still processing those.
For the first time, he agreed that she was more like an addiction because he said that they had nothing in common. She is a bossy, vegetarian, rain lover and H is the opposite. I was really surprised when he said she was bossy. As if that would ever work with H!! He did tell me that she lives in a “firetrucking fantasy world” where up until 6 weeks ago, she planned to go to the UK for 12 months and then return to a newly divorced H so that they could marry and have kids. She now thinks “she’s done” but I don’t think so and told H the same. He said that it was an ugly breakup which was different to their first breakup towards the end of 2017. He said that she had planned to move to our town by the end of that year but I remember him blocking that and also her applications for jobs here. It took another 2 years of progessively worse breakups before it looks like they are done. Most of this year they have been off way more than they were together. He said that while he was in their little bubble in her town, he went along with her plans but as soon as he got on the plane to come home, they went out the window. That matched up with what I thought was happening as well.
I asked him if he is now feeling bored because he no longer has so much emotional management to do and he said he is just starting to feel relaxed. He is still worried about doing it again though. I suggested that he might not know until he is tested again. I have observed him making solid decisions for a while now (like missing the party on Sat night) so I am hopeful that the passing of time will help build his confidence.
On Sat we went to buy S a new motorbike and we were being heavily sold to in the shop. H was about to sign on the dotted line but I went quiet because I had wanted us to shop around. I was actually expecting that we were being given the best price based on some earlier research but I just wasn’t that comfortable with how quickly it was all moving. H took one look at me and asked the salesman when the shop shut and then told him that we needed to do some more shopping. Outside the shop, he made 2 phone calls to other bike shops and found that our price was the lowest so we went back inside to make the deal.
I thanked him for doing that and was quietly shocked at how well he’d read me. He told me that it had been one of best moments of his day – recognising that he needed to make his wife happy and then doing it. When then went across the road to the Harley shop and he wandered over to the women’s section. I quickly caught up….as you do. He told me that he’d wanted to buy me a jacket for Christmas and the one he was holding was STUNNING. I tried it on. Oh my god. A jacket shouldn’t be that nice. At $780 I guess it should be. My financial planning self went on a brief holiday and we ended up getting it. That was another highlight of H’s day. Later that night (which was the night of that party we missed) he apologised for looking for “more” happiness because he said that life didn’t get any better than today.
He also told me that when he’d first met ow, it was about a year after they had been talking and then flirting by phone. That kinda amazed me because she was his go to girl at work. Anyway, he said that he was disappointed when he actually walked in the room. She, on the other hand, shook while she spoke to him. I said “that must have felt good”. He admitted that it did but that he spent a good deal of time after that telling her that he was not her Prince Charming. No doubt that made him more attractive whilst he probably continued to flirt and send very mixed messages.
Also, he said that the moment that ‘lyb’ took her clothes off for the first time, his first thought was ‘dissapointed’. She is a very beautiful young blonde Russian girl but not as beautiful with her clothes off apparently. H said that he’s realised that it’s all just the same thing. It’s all just sex. He admits to being caught in the thrill of the chase and stupidly surprised when it pays off.
Christmas this year will be spent together and H has agreed to dogsit for roomies over New Year. He is to just spend the evening with me, maybe at the beach and keep a low profile. Sounds like bliss to me. Way better than last year when I was alone and bawling my eyes out while he was in ow's town bringing in the New Year with her. Yep, that was a low. We also have a family holiday planned on the 17 of Jan for a week. Cannot wait for that one. I originally booked that for the kids and I and invited H if he wanted to come. He has become gradually more committed to that and is now helping with the planning.
Feeling super grateful for all the good things in my life right now.
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New chapter please