[megogirl]

No I agree....I’ll work on myself if I want to, not because I was the cause of his MLC.

[Seahorse]

NYM - I believe that ALL of us are imperfect; that no marriage is perfect.
I think anyone can look within themselves and find things that need improvement; regardless of their martial status, MLC or not.
If not, then that's a concern -- to me.

I am proud of myself; I think that I love with honesty and sincerity, BUT - I am not perfect, nor was I the perfect wife.

Hope this explains my post.
You may not agree, but sometimes we need to agree to disagree.

Sea

[Finding Joy]

Offroad-Yes, those years before bd where they build a high wall is for sure when our troubles seem to start.  He got back from Afghanistan and just never let me back in.  I eventually became resentful because he left all responsibility to me, and did nothing to get better from his trauma. 

Sea-I agree.  I have grown so much since bd and our world is shattered after what they do to us, so we have to rebuild ourselves.  Regardless of who we were prior to bd. 

[nah]

Great topic and many of you already posted some very valid points.

To simplify, IMO

As we are human, no marriage is perfect.
“Mirror work” is a journey, not a destination.
If a spouse is unhappy, MLC or not, that doesn’t make lying, cheating, abuse, etc., okay.

[Not Applicable]

There's something rather odd about extolling one's flaws rather than one's virtues. I think Acorn may have been concerned about people not seeing their own flaws contributing to the downfall of their marriage but I think actually the cult of mirror work encourages negative thoughts about oneself and that can twist one's perceptions too.

[OffRoad]

There's something rather odd about extolling one's flaws rather than one's virtues. I think Acorn may have been concerned about people not seeing their own flaws contributing to the downfall of their marriage but I think actually the cult of mirror work encourages negative thoughts about oneself and that can twist one's perceptions too.

I believe I understand your point, especially regarding this particular question, but for me "mirror work" also allowed me to see the good things about myself that I dismissed as "that's just what you do." I found that a lot of who I am and what I do is not at all like what some others do. There are a lot of truly selfish people out there. That's not me. In my reflection on that, I saw some flaws (I need to sometimes be selfish) and some virtues (I don't only consider myself in most situations).

Why would "mirror work" have a connotation of all bad?

 ETA: Even this question, which I'm sure most of us asked ourselves at some point, allows us to look at it and say "I could have done these things better, and maybe had no way of knowing it, but these other things I did great,"  or even " Who knew my sarcasm was a problem for my spouse? Other people appreciate it. What can I glean from this?" 

[megogirl]

Yes, I think mirror-work definitely has negative connotations.  Who really is going to discuss how awesome they are in the midst of trying to save their marriage?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Am I the only one that sees the "work on yourself" mantra as one that encourages people to blame themselves and find fault with oneself? I see "working on yourself" as just one more thing to worry about that isn't necessarily valid.

There is a lot to respond to in the above quote that does distract from the thread, but I feel needs to be addressed. First of all, we should always be looking at a way to better ourselves- we should always be in a cycle of continuous improvement. It becomes more important as we deal with MLC and bomb drop. Our first reaction is to try and fix the marriage or our spouse and this leads to either monster or the spouse running away as our actions create a "fight or flight" response. Our clumsy attempts to gain control over something we can't control only leads to more despair and loss of self-esteem as we begin to feel that we have lost control not only our marriage, but our entire life.

Self focus and working on improving ourselves, helps us drop the rope and direct energy and action to something that we do control-ourselves.

I see the need for self improvement to as it helps the LBSer to see their full potential and to find a reason to take a step forward in life. This is especially important for the LBSer after bomb drop when everything loses meaning and we are struggling to focus on anything except our spouse. Through self improvement, the LBSer assess his/her strengths and weaknesses. For some, this is necessary for survival.  Most of all this process of self assessment and helps us to figure out where we stand in life.

I could not quit during my wife's MLC, I still had to get up and go to work, I still had to shop for the kids, cook and clean the house, and take the kids to and from school. With the district in the great recession, the budget was tight as well. I took a 15% pay cut and that only made matters worse. To compensate, I developed a network of friends to help me with the kids, taught myself how to fix the car, I learned how to make household repairs, and a lot of cooking on a budget.

As I focused on myself, I realized that one way or the other, I was not only going to survive, I was going to thrive. I did have more setbacks and to be fair, I left the forum for five years. Throughout that time, I still focused on myself and dealt with the divorce. All during that time, I focused on me and what I could do for me and my family.

So, yes, I do see self-improvement as a integral part to standing and surviving MLC.

Who really is going to discuss how awesome they are in the midst of trying to save their marriage?

Mirror work is part of building a better you so that the spouse realizes that you are not a clingy, miserable, mess. Who wants to reconcile or go back to that?

Just my opinion,

((((Ready))))

[Anon]

As I understood Acorn's original post, she is concerned about people who are making decisions about their future based on the assumption their spouses are the cause of the marital breakdown, when they may actually be the cause themselves. In that case, if someone is standing expecting their spouse to come back, they may be wasting their time.

I don't believe the LBS is the cause of the marital breakdown in the midst of MLC.  The MLC was the cause of the marital breakdown,, the affair,, and replay, etc.  That was coming no matter how perfect a spouse could be. 

However, when the mlc spouse tries to come back, he/she may recoil at a spouse that has not moved in the least since the mlc hit.  Not that the spouse caused anything or is bad, but to see the same spouse at the end as was there in the beginning of the mlc ...just might be a trip down memory lane they don't really want.  Again, not because the spouse was bad back then in the early mlc days, but because a spouse that hasn't changed may be a bit reminiscent of the days when all was turmoil and confusion in their minds and the association creates anxiety.  They have changed through their MLC and for a positive dynamic to emerge after MLC, the spouse has to change as well.  jmo.  And no guarantee that the new dynamic that emerges between mlc spouse and lbs spouse will be one that supports reconciliation. 

[Seahorse]

I was trying to post the message below, but basically feels similar to what Ready To Fix posted:

I don't agree that mirror-work gives negative connotations - maybe we're using it in the wrong context.

I think mirror-work is just that - looking at oneself in the mirror and deciding what "looks" good and what could be changed to "look" better.
It's looking inside oneself for the good and the bad.
Of course, we don't need to work on the good, because it's something we want to keep.
Perhaps we need to hone it, or perfect it, but basically not the nitty-gritty get down-dirty changes that we need to make for those issues that we don't like reflecting back at us.

When YOU look in the mirror... i hope you like what YOU see.