[AlvinTheMaker]

Re, mothers and teenage daughters....  As father of 4 girls I can say is that XW had had some really rough years with G18 before the ball started rolling.  SAnd considering that my relationship with G19 has always been closer than what XW has been able to create then it may add some more salt to system.  Likely there are as many stories as there mothers/daughters/families.  It is all up to how a person frames the events internally and what kind of expectations they put on themselves. As most here know most of that roots from "mommy and daddy issues" of the past.

Re, the cause for higher divorce rating between sexes.... One of the more interesting theories I have heard about this is that women are more in touch with their emotional misery (not happy in relationship), and as they are in real emotional pain they seek the blind way out - which in modern society equals divorce (because many women are financially able to do so) or affair down (because the risk of such behaviour is lesser than say 50-100 years back).   Of course the proper solution for this would be to focus with inner self and marriage/relationship - but would a person on the verge of personal suffering and crisis would be interested of as such, LOL.

Alvin.

[Thunder]

Hi Alvin and Standing, I have been on this MLC board since 2013 (My BD was on 2011)

Yikes it's been 10 years. 

It may be true that more women file than men do but from what I have witnessed you have to look at why.  It could be that most women who filed for divorce did it for financial reasons, or custody reasons.
Probably 7 out of 10 men make more money than their wives.  So it is because they can not live on what they make without court ordered support.

When some of these MLCer's go into their crisis they DO want out but they selfishly do not want to be responsible for paying alimony or for child support for their kids.
They just want to leave and take care of themselves and possibly their ow's.

After 20 some years with these spouses, they think they can just walk away free of any obligations to their family.  That is not how the courts look at it, and they shouldn't.

Ok leave and start a new life with someone else, but understand you can not leave your family struggling because of your choices.

Sadly a break up of a family puts both people in a worst financial situation because you can not take two combined incomes and split them into two households and expect anyone to live as they did.
But no one should come out better than the other one.

Sorry this has nothing to do with having girls over boys but it just stuck a nerve with me.  Not personally, my XH was more than willing to a decent, fair settlement, but that is not always the case with these selfish MLCer's, male or female.

Some need to have their feet held to the fire to be made to do the right thing.

[Zion]

I don’t think the person that files is always the person that wants the divorce in the first place. Some people are forced to by the other person for various reasons. Irreconcilable Differences tells little.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I don’t think the person that files is always the person that wants the divorce in the first place. Some people are forced to by the other person for various reasons. Irreconcilable Differences tells little.

Interesting fact that when men and women are in "non-marital" relationships the break up rate is approximately 50/50. Women initiate divorce about 66% of the time and this is not too much different from the 1800's when women initiated 60% of the filings (people who initiate the divorce are the plaintiffs in the US).

So why such a difference between marriage and other relationships? The answer is complicated and many reasons factor into the equation. One major factor is the lack of communication regarding roles and expectations of the married couple. (Most divorces are filed either the first two years of the marriage and the other point being years five through eight). Lots of conflicting data on "average" marriage.

Some women feel that they are the emotional support for the entire relationship and are burdened with most of the work. As their needs go unmet, they build a lot of resentment towards the husband and once the wall of resentment is too high to cross, there is little the man can do to fix the issue. Men typically use the word divorce as a warning sign, women use the word divorce because they are done. Once again, failure to communicate is a vital key. Women expect their husbands to "know" what they want. Men are in their own world thinking all is well.

Once again, oversimplification of a complex issue is something we need to avoid. Marriage itself is not an equal partnership and women are more apt to report that they feel controlled in the marriage. On the other hand, men feel threatened if their spouse makes more than them and this leads to conflict and divorce-often initiated by the woman.

I don't like divorce and I am a strong proponent of marriage, but until we focus and allocate resources on how to improve, sustain, and build strong marriages, we are going to get the same results. That's not a blame game, just an understanding that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

Just my opinion,

((((Ready))))

[AlvinTheMaker]

Time for quick monthly update....

XW / shared parenting...   XW's grandmother, and great-grandmother of our children passed away few weeks back. I did not receive any kind of information from XW, but G19 shared me  the news of her passing few days later.  I did express my condolences to XW and her family through WhatsApp message - zero acknowledgement from any of them.  Because of Covid I wasn't expecting an invitation to funeral (or anything as such) but it's really odd how MLC and divorce can destroy what was once a functional family bond. Her grandmother was a good person and we shared some good moments. I did run my own private silent moment to pay respect for her....   As there are plenty of stories how it takes some kind of event to push MLCr onwards in life, it wil be interesting to see what kind of effect this will have on XW.  I just hope and pray that someday she will find a way to step out of the shell she's wearing. Doing shared parenting with a person who does not share things like this is really hard as eventually the base of communication falls to what kids tell me (and how much I poke and listen to them sharing their worries). The only thing I know is that when someone of my close family dies I'll do things differently.

As funny sidenote, XW rejected my goodwill to pay some taxes over the 'old family home' (because the way the system works, I was legally listed co-owner of our family estate when the tax-season changed).  Instead she fiercely demanded that I let her pay taxes for both of us   Go figure what it's all about, but I'm not objecting     

Kids... are doing all okey apart of G18.  She did graduate with honors but is once again/still going through some mental health issues.   I wish she was closer to me so I could look after and assist if possible, but I do understand that eventually she needs to fight her own batles.  All I can do is listen and be part of her life..... The younger kids did spend a week with me and ms.H in the beginning of month, and are coming for another week on the end of this month.  It is interesting to follow along the process of them all getting acquinted with each other. So far there is (understandably) a lot of shyness on all sides as this is all new situation.

Me and ms.H....  Still doing great   We've been having lots of good talks, long walks and enjoyable moments together... .No doubt she's still dealing with some demons of her past, but maybe it's the same with all of us.  The silver lining of doing all the self-growth and healing related to MLC/LBS/divorce is learning to move through life with grace and gratitude, towards self and others.  It is a great gift that keeps on giving as life is a journey of ups and downs, and instead of trying to change those ups and downs all you can change is your perspective into them.  I'm definitely in peace with myself and enjoing life as is. 

Alvin.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Glad all is well with you and the younger ones.

XW / shared parenting...   XW's grandmother, and great-grandmother of our children passed away few weeks back. I did not receive any kind of information from XW, but G19 shared me  the news of her passing few days later.  I did express my condolences to XW and her family through WhatsApp message - zero acknowledgement from any of them.  Because of Covid I wasn't expecting an invitation to funeral (or anything as such) but it's really odd how MLC and divorce can destroy what was once a functional family bond.

Well, welcome to the world of divorce. Now, I have some situations where the exes and former families do get along, but that is not the norm. You also have to consider the perceptions and stories being told about you. I can still hear your ex talking, "Alvin divorced me so he can move in with his honey. He has even introduced our children to the ho and now he is playing like we are all one happy family." My ex had an affair, my ex flew off to be with her OM, and she filed for divorce. Yet, she was the victim through all of this. There are some members of her family that won't even talk to me and think I am right there with Godzilla. Their loss, not mine.

Kids... are doing all okey apart of G18.  She did graduate with honors but is once again/still going through some mental health issues.   I wish she was closer to me so I could look after and assist if possible, but I do understand that eventually she needs to fight her own batles.  All I can do is listen and be part of her life.....

I have a couple of concerns here. How does one who cannot think rationally fight her own battles? The last time I checked, a person with a broken leg still gets crutches. Finally, she is very young and has not still fully matured into an adult. My advice is to be a very strong advocate for her now because some issues can turn into many issues quickly.

Just my opinion and I am glad everything else is going well,

(((((Ready))))

[gman242]

Some women feel that they are the emotional support for the entire relationship and are burdened with most of the work. As their needs go unmet, they build a lot of resentment towards the husband and once the wall of resentment is too high to cross, there is little the man can do to fix the issue. Men typically use the word divorce as a warning sign, women use the word divorce because they are done. Once again, failure to communicate is a vital key. Women expect their husbands to "know" what they want. Men are in their own world thinking all is well.

Having gone through this and suddenly seen it everywhere, I have to kinda agree, but mainly disagree. I think what happens to women is, in the nutshell version, as young girls they are expected to be the second mom in the family, sometimes even taking care of their own mom who may have drug and alcohol problems. So they grow up being almost the primary caregiver in the family and the first thing they do when the grow up is go off and start their family. At that point though, they're either uncapable of accepting love and support or they just don't see it, because they never experienced it growing up.

Speaking for myself, I put my xw on a pedestal and there wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for her and I bet a lot of guys that were in my situation did the same thing, which may not have been a good thing as it kept the blinders pretty firmly in place. I digress, but it's quite confusing when these women run away from great guys only to start all over, somewhere else.

I think this is why: they've been unfairly burdened their whole lives by their own families and it doesn't matter how good of a husband / father / guy he is, the woman has it built up in her head that she's the victim to the point that nothing is going to convince her otherwise that her contribution, sacrifice and suffering was greater than that of her husband. That's probably the first thing everyone tells the OP.. how bad they have it.

Like I said, once I went through it I saw it everywhere, however, it's also something men don't talk about openly. Facebook is full of posts from women about "girls.. you know how guys always", but none are from guys who went to work, came home, turned over his paycheck to his wife, never had time for his own hobbies or friends, always spent time with his kids and his wife dumped him because he was a "loser".

Anyway.. just for the sake of friendly conversation, I wouldn't assume a woman's needs were unmet. It happens, but if a woman is mature and confident, I think the chances are she either waits until the kids graduate high school before getting a divorce or it's more of what we would call a walk away spouse and they wouldn't jump right into another relationship while they were still living with their family.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Anyway.. just for the sake of friendly conversation, I wouldn't assume a woman's needs were unmet.

Just to let you know, the statement I posted was in regards to why women file more than men do. The results are research based upon perceptions not realities. Most marriages fail very early in the relationship. We can't filter all relationships through the lens of MLC.

the woman has it built up in her head that she's the victim to the point that nothing is going to convince her otherwise that her contribution, sacrifice and suffering was greater than that of her husband. That's probably the first thing everyone tells the OP.. how bad they have it.

I couldn't agree with you more. Just as women build up in their heads that they are the victim, so do the men. One thing I have found is that few ever admit to having an affair without some form of justification. As I posted on this thread, if you talk to some members of her family, I am the worst possible guy that ever lived. Their realities built upon her story.

but none are from guys who went to work, came home, turned over his paycheck to his wife, never had time for his own hobbies or friends, always spent time with his kids and his wife dumped him because he was a "loser".

Been there, done that. Yet, in the end, my ex lost this "loser" and I don't see her approaching Nirvana anytime soon.

Great conversation and good to hear from you gman,

((((Ready))))

[Standing Strong]

Hey Alvin,

Good to see you, and that everything is going well 

Hard to imagine what you're describing.... the loss of a functional family unit (bonds that is). It must be very jarring at times.
Sure sounds like you're doing great, that makes me very happy. The good people should come up in a good place when all is said and done.

-SS

[AlvinTheMaker]

I've been mostly a quiet lurker as not much has happened. Until yesterday..... XW messaged me.  She wanted to acknowledge me that she had transferred a hefty amount of money into my account  earlier in the day    After some back and forth messages it turned out she believed that some assets were undivided, and she should pay me 'my half. So I took a deep breath and told her all of it had been taken into account during official division of assets, and thus I'm gonna transfer the money back to her.... I was baffled by the event. Something as such would not have occurred to me.  Go figure what she was thinking, if anything.

Mother's Day is just around the corner, and I have prepped the kids about the importance of being there for XW. So far it seems everyone but G18 will gather up to celebrate with XW.  I'm bit so-and-so with whether to greet XW a happy mothers's day or not, might just give kids some money to buy ice cream etc. for the XW...   Within couple of weeks our 'parenting shifts' will rotate, and I'll become the 'main parent' for the summer period.  I'm definitely looking forward to it, as I have missed having my kids around full time for extended periods.

The deeper I continue walking into path of personal growth, the better I am beginning to understand the 'big picture'.   The image of the road I have walked,  and the foundations  that are/were there all the time, but which I was blind to see during the crisis/chaos XW's words pushed me into.   Though walking from A to B to C would have been the shortest route out of this whole thing, it would not have made me grow the same way as taking hundreds of baby steps and explorations did.  There's a lot of truth in you can't run before you learn to walk;  and to walk you must learn to crawl first.   That is what coming out of crisis and chaos is all about...  I feel more than fortunate that I've found inner peace and solitude from the stoatic principles:  become best version of you, focus on things you control, and think before you act.  It's a lot like the survival pack all of us get when arriving here.  Like Courage wrote in her story: " while I would certainly never chose this for myself I also wouldn’t ever choose to go back to the person I was before all this happened."  Me too. 

Alvin.

PS. And all is well with me and ms.H.  Our relationship keeps growing deeper and stronger. I guess the fact that we have set a preliminary wedding date (2+ years in the future) says a lot where things are at    Feeling so grateful to have her as part of my life.