[OffRoad]

Good for you Alvin, for realizing the "warning" wasn't about you at all.  Yes, the lessons we learned with MLC do keep on giving in good ways.

I have no doubt your new door will lead you to a good place.

[PJ Ames]

Oh, MLC is a gift that keeps giving.

Well, as UM told me once,  you don't go through hell and back without acquiring transferable skills.

Good luck with the job search. I just started a new gig myself after 7 years at my last one. Learning how to hold on loosely has served me well. You'll be fine.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Feel so sorry for you on the job situation and dealing with your ex. your ex is going to continue to do what she always has done- her thing.

Lack of communation, lack of sharing on important decisions, making important decisions affecting kids without discussion... It's making me feel as outsider with what is happening with my kids lives.  It's not a good feeling....

I totally understand where you are coming from. I don't know the custody arrangement, but from her mindset, you are an afterthought. She is running her show and sees you more as an consultant than a father. That means if something big happens, she will call you if she feels overwhelmed. Other than that, she calls the shots.

Now, I had everything laid out in the settlement. If she crossed a line, I sent her a reminder in an email of the settlement and her obligation to adhere to the settlement. If she left the state with my daughter, she had to notify me. If she changed schools, I was to be consulted as I held educational rights as well. The reason why I towed the line and held her feet to the fire was to ensure that my ex knew that I was still a part of the picture when it came to the children.

G12 (turning16 next month) is planning on moving to student dorm next fall.  Again, zero messaging about from XW - thing just came up during regular phone talk with G12,  she has got troubles in getting required id services locally.  I knew the move was coming within couple of years, but IMHO she's not ready for it yet.  She lacks so many of the basic skills to live on her own,but maybe this will also serve as push to grow up. I can only hope and pray that the dorm supervisor/assistant is actively looking after new students.

I need clarification. Why does she need to move to a dorm? I understand college and such but why does your daughter want to move out and live with strangers? School is difficult enough dealing with teenagers all day and now you want to live with them? How does this work? Is she part of a meal plan? Does she have a room mate? Will this impact her time with you?

Thanks and I wish you the best on the job. I am sure you will do fine.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[AlvinTheMaker]

I don't know the custody arrangement, but from her mindset, you are an afterthought. She is running her show and sees you more as an consultant than a father.

Indeed, so she seems to feel and behave.

Technically speaking there is very little I can do on this except saying I disagree. G16 checks all the boxes for moving even without my (or XWs) consent. And untill she is 18, both me and XW are expected to share and cover her fair living costs equally.

I need clarification. Why does she need to move to a dorm? I understand college and such but why does your daughter want to move out and live with strangers? School is difficult enough dealing with teenagers all day and now you want to live with them? How does this work? Is she part of a meal plan? Does she have a room mate? Will this impact her time with you?

Why part is easy....     G16 applied and got approved in equestrian college. Its about 100 miles away from our old family home.

How does it all work.... Lets say that it's still out there😂

Apparently G16 (or XW) does not want the shared all exclusive dorm living, and instead there is now a push for 600 square feet rental house where only she would live fife days a week.... It seems entire XW's core family is backing on the move in there: donating furniture, planning a trip on IKEA next week etc.

The not-so-funny stuff #1 is that G16 has not been approved yet for the rental 😵‍💫 And if thinking this whole thing from landlord/lady perspective, I would not rent my house for 16yo. No matter how decent she is.... I am not afraid of her falling into booze, tobacco etc. I just cannot see any 16yo cleaning and looking after a 600 square feet house all alone. Heck, she cannot look after her own room. Add up loneliness etc what you get when living in big house alone, and you got high risks.

The not so funny stuff #2 is what happens when G16 graduates eventually. She's got big flat full of stuff and she likely needs to move again (for higher education). ...my first student flat was about one tenth of the size, and my second about half the size of what XW is planning with G16... It is easy and logical to move from smaller home to bigger one over the years, but doing it vice versa  Its not just the material side (which XW is guaranteed to store for eternity if requested😂), but also the mental side of it.

Am I the crazy or responsible one with thoughts like this. Who knows 😂 oh well, I will try to reason with G16 and see where things go.

Alvin

[AlvinTheMaker]

Been a while since last update.... All in all life is good.

Family.... I think this was first Christmas where we are starting to integrate properly as new family unit. I am grateful for having solid and good relationships with S9, G22 and G23, and how each of them has bonded with ms.H as well.  On the downside G16 and G18 are somewhat of a black hole where very little comes out. I guess it is the teen years mixed with growth towards independence; only time will tell.


Job... As to be expected, I and my team (along few other people) got laid off few months back. $h!te happens, but I have no regrets...  I have put this extra time in good use, and besides job hunting have focused on home, health and relationship improvements.

Lots of physical baggage (both mine as well as ms.H's) has been either donated, sold or recycled.  When you are in midst if MLC hurricane you just grab what you think is precious to heart or useful later in life. Now is my "later in life" and it has felt good to declutter and review some of it mindfully without rush.  Still plenty to go through, lol.

Health.... This is the only area with darker clouds. I can feel something's not right with my breathing. So far I know it is not sleep apnea (went through test) nor asthma (tested as well).  Hopefully things start to unwrap in coming month or two as I start visiting more docs after new year. Knowing my brother encountered big-C bit younger than what I am now, I have mentally prepped up for the worst.

To add some extra spice to health issues, ms.H has entered menopause. No MLC (so far, LOL), and we have had some good talks about how she feels and is coping with it.  Knowing the health woes both of us face now, it feels only good both of us have focused on empathy, support and strengthening the relationship.

Last and possibly of least importance, XW.... I think we have reached all time low in communication. Zero talk besides strictly necessary logistics regarding kids, and usually responds with thumb up emoji. Hope she gets her $h!te together by the time we become grandparents some day.

[FaithWalker]

Nice to read an update A.  I'm praying that it isn't big-C for you, and something that will be easily navigated and recovered from.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Happy New Year to you! I am glad that you continue to move forward with you life and still manage the kids! I hope all goes well with you and your health. Make sure you let us know how you are doing and I will be saying a few prayers for you as well.

ms.H has entered menopause. No MLC (so far, LOL), and we have had some good talks about how she feels and is coping with it. 

My new wife just turned 50 and is either in perimenopause or in menopause, but like your Ms. H, no signs of MLC. Thank God! Yes, I think it is important to talk about the feelings and our health so that they know how we feel instead of guessing.

Last and possibly of least importance, XW.... I think we have reached all time low in communication. Zero talk besides strictly necessary logistics regarding kids, and usually responds with thumb up emoji. Hope she gets her $h!te together by the time we become grandparents some day.

My ex and I are in the same boat. We don't even really have kids to worry about any more so I may get the rare text here or there but for the most part, I never hear from her and that is best for all around. Neither my new wife or I communicate with our exes and I think that helps maintain harmony all around. I wouldn't worry too much about her even with grandchildren as long as you maintain your core values and focus on what is best for your family.

Enjoy your day,

(((Ready)))

[AlvinTheMaker]

Health.... This is the only area with darker clouds. I can feel something's not right with my breathing. So far I know it is not sleep apnea (went through test) nor asthma (tested as well).  Hopefully things start to unwrap in coming month or two as I start visiting more docs after new year. Knowing my brother encountered big-C bit younger than what I am now, I have mentally prepped up for the worst.

Well, this train seems to have resolved way faster than I imagined.

I went to ER due to quicky worsening chest/back pain. Six hours and multiple tests, xrays and doctors later I was dropped with a package of steroids and call to signup asthma meds and treatment programme ASAP. The ER doc was 100% sure I have uncontrolled asthma gone rogue, and previous tests had failed to identify the underlying condition... So far feeling meds kicking in and knocking the wood. Though this was one rough day, a lot of good came with it. Feeling grateful.

Alvin

[JohnnyBravo]

Sorry to hear that turned so far south, Alvin, but certainly glad that they caught it and that you're turning the corner quickly.

JB

[FaithWalker]

Yikes, how scary!  I'm glad they figured out what was wrong.