[John T]

Thank you UrsaMajor
Your right 'actions speak louder than words '
Due to me resetting my brain I am emotionally better able to cope , and that comes from being a member of this support site guiding me a long a path I wouldn't have taken .

[John T]

Hello I've not posted for a while I'm still around. I'm still continuing to work on myself , and not getting stressed which is proving successful through retraining my brain . I rarely lose my temper and let the world float by .

The guy at work I had the row with was on site with me and another guy , they ended up in a blazing row which deliberately keep away from as I could see it coming .

My only point of stress now is with arrogant car drivers,  but that's becoming more containable , ive had a problem with arrogance most of my adult life as i believe there's no need for it .

My MLC wife dips in and out of my life mostly by email , I've brought up the subject of divorce  and she said' she wants to stay married and that she hopes she'll come to her senses ' I dont do jobs for her anymore ,I let her contact me  she does do acts of kindness.

[Standing Strong]

Sounds like you've made good strides in yourself JT 
Fantastic 


-SS

 

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

The fact that your wife does not want to divorce speaks volumes. If she was done, she would have let you know. I think your actions are about bringing peace to your life and finding bliss within yourself.

I think you are doing an amazing job and I wish you the very best!

Enjoy the day,

(((Ready)))

[WHY]

I think I've finally got an understanding of ' I love you but am not in love with you ' to me it means that sexual attraction has diminished and that's when the OW/OM come into focus and they then crave that other person with no firm basis other than a teenage buzz you get from someone new.

Yeah, that is one part of it... The "You don't make my bits quiver anymore" teenager nonsense... Among other things... but it is really all just a justification, an excuse, for them to do whatever it is they are doing...

Absolutely this.  I'm new to all this, but I firmly believe that ILYBINLILWY actually means they're in love with someone else, whether it be a PA, EA or fantasy.  Their brain has convinced themselves that they've never felt this way before and they never felt this way about you.  It's hard to hear & accept.  But it's delusion (however very real to the MLCer).  Time will show that the halo effect they've put on OM/OW was delusion to begin with.  The relationship is built on lies and deceit etc.  But it takes time to unravel.

[John T]

Hi Ready
I think you've summed up the situation perfectly  , I'm just ploughing my own furrow and letting her stick her head over the hedge to check that I'm still there. The by product of this has been to look and act in life without  stress playing a part.

[John T]

Thank you standing  😁

[WHY]

But assuming the person was NOT a narcissist, did have value systems and acted with care and compassion for others before MLC then I have to say its not about integrity and characters. In my opinion MLC in these cases is a major psychological event. I don't mean a singular diagnosis or disease. Rather something that they have been papering over, working around, hiding, and even pretending is not there comes to a crises and they tend to have a fracture. The most visible element is the pain, the anger, the lack of empathy and the memory issues. They also tend to spend a lot of their time in a form of dissociative state (shark eyes, confusion, lack of caring).

Wow Marvin....  I can relate to this more than you know, especially what you described above (in bold).  This is exactly what's happening to my wife at the moment.  Any more thoughts on this dissociative state?  I feel like she's an empty vessel right now.  I'm just under ~2 months after BD.  Whats the best way to interact with someone like this? 

[John T]

Hi Why
It's a long twisting road , there will be a lot of self reflection , it will change your life but I believe you come out of it a better person.

[John T]

Why
I'd say don't antagonize them be consistent and calm as there world is like a ship in a huge storm .Set boundaries of what you'll accept and what you won't . Detachment is required so as to let them reflect on what has happened and discover a life without  you in it , read lots and reaseach and talk to experienced veterans on here and other sites , Facebook has a specific site for MLC.