[During your marriage, were you the pursuer or the distancer?]

During your marriage, were you the pursuer or the distancer?

I was mostly an emotional pursuer but sexual distancer.

I was mostly an emotional pursuer and sexual pursuer.

I was mostly an emotional distancer and sexual distancer.

I was mostly an emotional distancer but sexual pursuer.

None of these (secure).

[LifeGoesOn]

What do you think?
If a former pursuer becomes a distancer, will that change the distancer into a pursuer?
Or will you have two distancers, creating an ever increasing amount of distance?

[limitless]

What do you think?
If a former pursuer becomes a distancer, will that change the distancer into a pursuer?
Or will you have two distancers, creating an ever increasing amount of distance?

LGO.
Your question has gotten me baffled!

L

[Dontgiveup]

MLC heightens the Pusuit/Distance dance.  I was the pursuer in our relationship.  My ex-wife is a natural distancer, so she has no problem being alone at times, whereas I would panic when she wanted space.  I finally learned to let that panic go, and I no longer feel it....or at least not very often.

From RCR's pursuit/distance article:
But in MLC such dynamics surface as one of you moves away from the other who then reacts by pursuing with fearful panic. It's important to have an understanding of the mechanism of pursuit and distance so that you can avoid the negative consequences while using the dance to your advantage. A faithful understanding of pursuit and distance can give you confident assurance to step back and allow your MLCer space and to eventually pursue you--which is what a Distancer does when not being pursued.

[WarriorPriestess]

If a former pursuer becomes a distancer, will that change the distancer into a pursuer?
Or will you have two distancers, creating an ever increasing amount of distance?

This is my fear.  That if I continue to distance as well, we will just grow farther and farther apart, drifting into complete disconnection.

[OldPilot]

IMHO pursuit and distance = 180, as DGU has explained when you stop pursuing  the other person stops distancing.
Now as far as them pursuing I think that takes a lot longer to see.
I think in a normal relationship you would see much faster results.
In MLC it is slow like everything else.
We talk about letting them control the contact.
Again more of the same idea.

Phil Delucca is not the only one to have a theory on this subject,
Al Turtle, a well know counselor has also written about it.
DB/MWD is the person with the 180 which is also the same idea again IMHO.

[WarriorPriestess]

Thanks OP.  I'm working on that 180.  More like building up from 30, to 60, to 90 lol.  I guess the hard part is I feel like I've distanced so much already.  Letting go completely just feels so final and scary.  I guess that's what makes it a 180 though. 

Now as far as them pursuing I think that takes a lot longer to see.
I think in a normal relationship you would see much faster results.
In MLC it is slow like everything else.

This is a great reminder.  Thank you!

[Mermaid]

If a former pursuer becomes a distancer, will that change the distancer into a pursuer?
Or will you have two distancers, creating an ever increasing amount of distance?

This is my fear.  That if I continue to distance as well, we will just grow farther and farther apart, drifting into complete disconnection.

I understand that fear, especially as your H, like mine, is naturally an extreme distancer. I have the impression that if I don't make any effort, neither will H. But if we don't do a 180, we will never know... it's hard though!

[WarriorPriestess]

Mermaid, I feel the same way.  We will just have to support each other! 

I really do think they rely on us doing all that pursuit dirty work for them though.  Then they are able to remain in this idealized detached state "above it all" and avoid all those messy inconvenient emotional behaviors and interactions. 

I can actually think of one encounter since BD that occurred when I reversed roles on my H.  One weekend a couple months ago we had made our usual plans for H to come over to my place for dinner on a Saturday night.  He texted that afternoon that he wasn't feeling well and would probably have to cancel.  I was totally annoyed and just didn't respond, as this has been a pattern of his for quite some time now.  Generally when he is feeling "stressed" he also feels "sick."  Needless to say he has been feeling unwell the majority of the time for several years now.

I sat and got steamed, wondered how best to respond, put the phone down, picked it up, etc.  15-30 minutes went by.  He texted again asking if I got the original message.  I waited another 15 minutes.  He actually called!  I answered the phone totally breezy and said, "Hey what's up?"  He sounded pretty agitated, asking why I hadn't responded.  I replied, "Oh, I was vacuuming.  Guess I didn't hear the phone.  Sorry." 

When he firmly reiterated that he was sick and would not be able to come over, I just said, "Oh ok.  Well if you feel better let me know but otherwise no big deal."  I hung up and was almost feeling relieved and looking forward to a night of relaxing on my own.  Imagine my surprise when I received a text a few hours later saying he was on his way over!

I'm not sure what was different about this time as opposed to others.  Maybe because he wasn't feeling well?  Maybe just an exception to his usual behavior caused by cycling?  I know that I personally was feeling pretty darn fed up and in the mood to just wash my hands of him and his annoying MLC behaviors completely that day.  Either way it felt really good to be the one on top for once lol.

[Mermaid]

Hi WP, I don't know if you have read much of my story, but to recap, I asked H to leave on several occasions because of his R with OW (just a "friend", he still insists, but...) H was sad about going, but then pleased; he had his space to himself at last! Last time he left, I didn't phone, didn't invite him round, and actually tried to avoid seeing him altogether. Everytime I did this, he started chasing me, and ended up making up an excuse to move back home (first for one night, then he just stayed...) So I do have experience of how doing an 180 can change things.

But he's been staying in the spare room since he came back, and all the other times he's been in and out for the last 18 months. He now regards it as his space, and he's also taken over the adjacent study, as well as leaving all his stuff at the country cottage (also "his" space). He's quite comfortable like that. He gets his space, and yet he's also near the family.

At the start of all this, he was quite alienated from the whole family (the girls were teens, and had their own life, and were not intellectual perfectionsists like him). Now he feels that they need him, which is good, (they do).

Before BD, he already spent most of his free time on his own, and I never obliged him to go to parties, etc. But he was constantly critical of me; I couldn't do anything right. He didn't help in the house, with the girls, but expected me to drop everything of he needed help. He was a workaholic, and extremely successful at work, but regarded that as his contribution. He wanted to do other (even more perfect and interesting) work, but couldn't because of his family commitments. So he felt stuck.

Now he is no longer critical of me (most of the time). He's more helpful, and doesn't need to be asked. But he spends hours and hours on the computer, either working, or playing (FB/ YOUTUBE). Then he goes cycling, on his own. Or watches the TV, or reads a book.

I feel completely invisible when I come home. It's easier to come home to an empty house than one where you don't seem to matter. D20 is away, and I know D15 likes to know I'm there, even if she doesn't want to speak. But H hardly says a word, and (raely) if does, it's about something he's seen on TV, or about the economic crisis (or worse, football). I've always paid attention to everything he's said to me, taking an interest, even if (like football), it's not really my interest. He doesn't do the same.

If I speak, his eyes glaze over and he fixes back on the TV. Sometimes, when he does this, I leave the room. If he's not listening, there's no point in speaking. But then he thinks I'm being huffy.

So, I've been listening to him, looking after him, and then giving him space when he goes to his room, or when he's not conversational. The only thing left to do is to STOP looking after him, STOP offering to help, STOP listening to him unless it's a subject that I like too (), and stop asking him for kisses and hugs. It means I will get home at 11 pm and just go straight to my bedroom, I suppose.

I have some plans for weekends away; the LBS meeting here, a party, a Buddhist retreat, my dad's birthday. I'll just go. Look after myself.

Perhaps mirroring him would be better, so that I don't come across as angry-avoiding. Just say hello and kiss him on his forehead (which I hate). Then feed myself, without asking him if he wants anything, and go to bed with a "Cião! Sleep well!", without kissing him.

[WarriorPriestess]

Ugh Mermaid that is tough.  I agree that it is much easier to come home to an empty house.  Sometimes I feel like I have less of a tie with my H since we don't live together, but then I am relieved to have the space away from the constant strain of MLC. 

Maybe the trick for us in dealing with them will be to just become as self absorbed and wrapped up in our own worlds as they are...Oh wait, I don't think that's possible!