Thought I would drop in for an update. Seems like some of the 5 plus year members are doing the same. It’s fascinating to see the different paths reconnection can take and the choices that come along with it. A common theme seems to be that the MLC struggle does not end with reconnection. For me it has taken on a new problem, how to put a marriage together when both of us have changed. In my case, I’m finding that I have changed more than my H. This is where we are right now. My H wants our marriage back, wants the old Roo back, wants the life we had back. For me I feel like I made our old life function by giving and giving, making thing OK when they weren’t. Making our kids, my husband, and our company a priority over me. In the end MLC hit and all the pieces of my very codependent puzzle came apart. My giving did not stop MLC, my attempts to fix my broken H did not stop him from doing his damage, my attempts to control the situation were futile. I’m seeing all of this now and digging deep into myself. Not an easy task to do.
Things for me really started to change about a month ago. My D 21 was moving back to school after being here all summer, my S 26 was in full wedding planning for a wedding that took place last weekend, My parents were in the middle of a huge struggle with my Dad’s bi polar. And our company was going through a major tailspin as 3 key people put in their resignations. My H was a mess. All of these things formed a major breakdown for me. I dropped my D off at school after a 4 hour drive. My S 26 was calling me about helping him solve wedding problems, my sisters were calling me to help solve parent problems and then my H called me with company problems. I came home from the move and sat down on the floor and cried. Not just cried, broke down. Full on break down that I have not experienced since BD #1. My h called during this breakdown and was so freaked out by it all he came home. I really thought I was going to have to be taken away. I could not for the life of me stop all the emotion from flooding out. I made myself into a ball on the floor of my dark bedroom and this is where my H found me. He sat down beside me and said he didn’t know what to do. Everything I have faced in the last 5 years came spilling out of me, everything. All of the pain all of the anguish, all of it. He didn’t run, he didn’t move, he didn’t say “you are making me feel bad with your feelings” he sat and listened. For the first time in almost 6 years, he listened and took it in. He said quietly “look what I have done to you, I’m sorry.” I told him it wasn’t all him. We sat for maybe an hour in silence.
The next day I gathered my pug (Gertrude the MLC dog) and decided to drive to my parents 12 hours away. My mom needed a break, and I went to stay with my Dad. My H was scared for me to leave as he felt like I wasn’t in a good state. It was just the thing I needed. A long car ride with a pug. I had downloaded several books awhile ago. And decided to listen to the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. As I drove along and listened, I started to feel like the author was talking to me. Everything in this book related to me. Everything. The more I listened the more I could see just how much I was depending on other people making me feel value. How much damage giving constantly can cause. How much my voice had become diminished because I wanted to keep the peace. I came to the realization that things were not going my way because of me and only me. It was definitely an Oprah “Ah Ha” moment. I stayed a few days with my dad and then listened to the book again the whole 12 hours back. It all started to make perfect sense to me. I am the only one who can control me. I am the only one who is responsible for my own happiness. I started to come out of my codependent tunnel and am working on not going back.
I’ve read so many times about how both partners have to go through MLC and all it carries with it. I kind of pushed this aside thinking “Yeah but, my H is the one with the real problem” Never realizing our whole relationship had issues that needed to be solved long before MLC hit. And yes, I had issues as well (Gulp). It is a two way street. We both seem to be working towards healing on our own.
My H is continuing his weekly therapy which seems to be helping. I see and hear changes all the time. He is settling down and growing up. All of his compartmentalized boxes he sealed tight are slowly opening. Emotions and empathy come out when I’m least expecting them to. Sometimes he looks at me like he hasn’t seen me in 4 years. Sometimes I get an apology when I’m least expecting it. He is changing in a good way. I think he is starting to realize as well that we can’t go back to our old marriage. I am hoping we get something new from all of this. I am hoping we both continue to make the choice to stick it out while it forms. We both still have a lot of work to do. We do know we love each other and have a 36 year history together. It may not end up how I imagined it, maybe it will be better as we each become better people.
On a side note. My S 26 got married last weekend almost 6 years from when my S 28 got married. It was interesting to note how different I was at these two weddings. At S28 wedding, I was starting to suspect my H was having an affair. I had lost 10 pounds that I couldn’t afford to lose. In the pictures there is a look of fear, anxiety, and sadness in my eyes. My H had just started his step into the fog. I had no idea that what lay ahead. We just got the pictures back from last weekend and I am so proud of how I look. I look happy, strong, and confident. My sister told me I looked like a warrior. I kind of felt like one. I’m stronger mentally, physically and spiritually than I have ever been. S30 just got engaged and is planning a wedding next fall. (All fall weddings for some reason) It will be interesting to see where I am at that time. No matter where I am, I do know that I am going to be ok.
As a fixer in recovery, I hope all you other fixers out there find your way. My horoscope the other day was so easy but so fitting, it read “They are not appliances, you cannot fix them”
Wishing you all the best as you navigate through this life changing time.
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My new Normal 5.0