I go on with my life and live it the way I choose. But I many times feel like I’m in limbo of my own making. Do you ever feel that way? I convince myself this is not a bad place to be. X is nice to the kids and me. No more horrible times. We lived a life together for a long time. It doesn’t feel right to just go on without him at all but sometimes I feel like I’m not going on at all with him. Does that make sense?
Yes and perfect sense.
I really appreciate people saying I'm a strong woman - I always have been a bit bullish and determined plus a control freak!!
However inside I know it's not always the real me; the people pleaser, the enabler, and for many times in the early years after BD the victim.
Strength shows itself in small doses, self -respect, personal growth, being aware of your core authenticity and not apologising for it but to work on the weaknesses and nurture the strengths.
I have always loved life and I had a dream of how things could be. That dream has had to be replaced by a new reality and yet I have learned that if you stick to just one fixed dream you could be disappointed so my dreams evolve as situations change. That's what keeps me moving forward.
Yes like you I do sit and reflect and I certainly don't do an "if only..." anymore.
I still consider H my husband because whilst we're separated we are still legally married. I see nothing wrong with that even though my S thinks I should just go ahead and divorce him now.....he hates the fact that I'm still "attached " to H. S has well and truly re-written history as he now states in many of his rants that H never loved him, never wanted him, was always physically abusive towards him and was never a good father to him.
None of that is true but S is so twisted in his own demons that I doubt highly he will ever choose to listen. H does love S very much but just cannot understand why S feels this way. Because our D's forgave H - he thinks S should. H was so excited when S was born - he seemed even prouder and keen to look after him more than our Ds. H was never physically abusive to S - he never struck him except once well after BD when testosterone was flying between them and S lashed out first.
In terms of support and encouragement H was very keen for S to have the best education even offering to pay for private school (something he didn't do with the Ds) but then again, as he did with the D, he rarely turned up to parents evenings with me.......
H became more of an "absent" father rather than a physically in your face kind of father. That is also on me for not calling H out on it and letting him get away with it because I wanted peace and to please him.
And then BD.....