Second anecdote, which for me connected to a bit to my former H and what people tell themselves when they’re having an affair. I won’t tell this story very well, forgive me, but hopefully you get the gist:
I was recently sat next to a man while traveling and, after a few minutes of polite chit chat, I did something I usually don't do, which is exchange emails with a stranger. I was apprehensive when he asked, but a few things he said made me think he might be a good contact to have. After talking for a while (he talked, I didn’t really get a word in edgewise), he sighed
really, really loudly and said out of nowhere: "Well, for better or worse, I’m going home for a bit because [another loud sigh]...I'm getting married next week." Then told me how he's marrying the woman who taught him what a relationship should *feel* like (important to note the words here), because his marriage made him *feel* “about this big.” I said, "Oh, so you had an affair."
His face was priceless. After looking stunned for a few seconds, he copped to it but tried to justify in all the usual ways: his wife *made him feel* small, blah blah blah. Eventually, I told him just a very, very little bit about how my marriage ended due to infidelity and then sat back while he twisted himself up trying to differentiate his actions from my former husband's, calling my former H every name in the book while justifying his own reasons.
He explained that the impetus for the upcoming marriage was that his work kept him in another country for much of the year and his soon to be wife (the OW) has trust issues and was uncomfortable with the amount of time they'd be spending apart. (And of course marriage will totally fix that, right?) I talked to him longer than I should have, and I didn’t share much about myself at all but still wish I hadn’t shared anything – things just kind of flowed because I was so fascinated by the textbook nature of his justifications. It was like one cliche after another and it was really kind of fascinating to hear it play out. He spent A LOT of time telling me about what he does (it’s very, very important
), where he’s been
, who he knows
, and the things he has (“11 cars, down from over 20…it’s kind of a sickness I have”
). At one point he told me that in 11 and a half boring years of traveling the same route, I was "a breath of fresh air" and he wished he'd met me 30 years ago - you know, all things one should be saying to a stranger a week before his wedding.
Though it wasn’t in a lecherous way, I didn’t feel like I was being hit on, and I can’t say what he really meant because I’m not in his head, but it felt almost sad, and definitely not about me at all - the most telling part was that he said those things to me after not having asked me
a single thing about myself. He didn’t learn anything about me, so how could he know if he’d liked to have known me 30 years ago? They were empty words, and I wondered if he was saying to me some of what he deep down wishes someone would sincerely say to him.
It didn’t surprise me at all the way he talked about his ex-wife and his soon to be wife, like a script he’d memorized and kept repeating in the same way so as not to mess up his “facts.” The ex-wife was the first woman who'd made him feel seen, but as time went on, she made him feel small, she said things that made him feel bad. The OW/soon to be wife made him feel “good” – and me, meeting me was an unexpected pleasure - for what reason? He talked for a very long time, the words he was saying – his own words - made him feel validated and justified and he projected that onto me, even though they were his words and I never validated him once. That’s similar to my former H and his OW, from the little I know. He talked, she happened to be there on the receiving end, and he gave her credit for making him feel the relief he felt when he said a bunch of words that justified his $h!tety behavior, if that makes sense.
So it was interesting and made me think a lot about how people project and put so much on other people. I’m nobody, I was just sitting there, but he built me up into something more than a complete stranger, just because I was there while he was in a certain state of mind. He needed to feel "seen," so he told himself I saw him. Doesn't need to be true, just needs to meet the current need.
And then a few days passed and I did get an email from him. He wrote, in part: “I want to thank you for making a trip that is usually quite tedious pass very quickly. You truly are inspiring and meeting you was an unexpected pleasure. Certainly it has made me re-evaluate quite a lot.” Such words, to a total stranger, someone he knows nothing about. This is a man who, much like several people I’ve known, seems to meet people and then invent them in his head, which is sad because he probably doesn’t really know anyone. I would say good luck to his fiancée, but she knows she was the affair partner, so she’s probably living in a delusion just as thick as his.
Never thought I’d say it but I’m kind of glad I’m lost on my own and not out there trying to piece together a storyboard using other people as filler.
♪
https://youtu.be/GJsYQY_ZXK4 ♪
Anyone else have a vanisher 23?
Author
Topic: