[KellBell]

updating and journaling-

so we are going into month three of xh wanting to reconcile and us working on things. He still lives in another state- he has asked to move back. But I feel like he still has parts of him to fix and if he moves back I will fall into old habits of trying to fix things for him. That's not helpful to me or him. He is going to counseling and AA. We are going to couples therapy and see each other every other weekend. Either he comes here or I go there. One weekend is just us and the other visit includes D11. We both agreed that our relationship, consciously working on it and taking time for each other needs to be a priority in our marriage. So we are working on that.

D11 and I caught covid a month ago. D11 was in the hospital, vented and it was touch and go for a week. He stepped up and really came through for us. He was the person I need him to be and the partner I needed in that moment.

All in all things are progressing. I'm still taking things slowly. I don't have expectations of how he will react, behave or act. It's a strange place to be in. I do love him, but being able to disconnect and not be so dependent on his emotional state is so freeing. For the most part, he impresses me with his growth, patience and self reflection. He is recognizing and admitting insecurities and communicating better when things are stressful or upsetting. But I still see tiny slivers of the old xh; shutting down, getting quiet, frustrated etc when things get a little real. He is remorseful and apologetic. Actively trying to be better. Consistency is key so we'll see. It's still only been 3 months.

By saying I don't have expectations- what I mean is I don't set expectations for him. He is who he is and either I love that person or I don't. Either that person is worth my time and devotion or he isn't. HE is who he is and I need to decide if that is someone I want to be with. This is big for me and our situation. Because we have been together since we were 15 & 17. I expected him to grow up into this man I imagined, mature and develop into how I wanted him to be. And I see now that was unfair of me. It's ok to have expectations, but it's not fair to place them on someone else. Either they are who you want or they aren't. You can't change people or want to change people without planting some seeds of resentment. And those seeds fester and grow. I fell in love with a 17 year old boy and now I'm learning to fall back in love with a very different 43 year old man. It's an interesting time.

It's also very freeing to admit and recognize that you can outgrow someone and the relationship you have with them. I loved him. I still do. We have a history together. 25 years of ups and downs and everything in between. He is my friend. AND DESPITE all that it's ok to admit that I may not be IN LOVE with him anymore. And it's ok to admit that we had a good 25 years together- one I couldn't imagine doing with someone else. But maybe this isn't the person I need in this next chapter of my life. It's ok to explore these thoughts. Is he the person I need? Can he be the person I need? Is he what I want for the next 25 years?

My advice to all LBS is to really do the work. Look inside yourself. Dissect your marriages and relationships once you can disconnect emotionally. Figure out what you need in someone. What you want in someone. What you deserve. That way when or if your spouse comes back, you are able to step back and decide if reconciling is the best thing for you and your future.

[FaithWalker]

I am so sorry that your D had to be hospitalized and vented.  How scary for you!  I hope she is doing much better now.

Continuing to follow the reconnection.  I am glad that you are taking the time to really work this through and decide if this is something you want for your future.

[Returned]

You are very early on in your timeline, however this certainly does sound hopeful. It doesn't sound like there is an OW in the picture. You have gotten far more reassurances than I have from my xH who is much less self-aware. I realize I am in many ways very old-fashioned but unless you have another better relationship on the horizon I would encourage you to consider his offer to move back. Having an intact family is priceless for children. I would not go so far as take the offer of marriage because I think marrying an xH is more of a financial decision, and tieing yourself financially to a man in the middle of MLC is perhaps not a good decision. Being divorced protects you financially in case he falls right back into replay again. I don't see much to lose here from giving him a chance to move in and see what happens. Just don't mix your finances at all.

[thissucks7788]

KellBell- Thanks for the update. I have been wondering about you and how you're doing. Sounded so stressful and upsetting with your daughter but so glad that she is okay now!! 

 My situation is a bit different (as all of ours are) but I can relate to some of the things you're saying.  We never divorced and H was out of the house for "only" 5 months with an unrequited LO. (He's back in the house now)   One thing I did notice though-- at least for me-- it is taking time to allow H fully back into my heart again.  The damage was real and there was innocence lost when it came to our relationship. Meaning, when he did something that would be somewhat annoying in the past, I would easily overlook as this was my loving husband of 20+ years who loves me so much. Now, I saw what he was capable of and it is harder to overlook.  Also even in that short time frame, I did get used to living on my own and it was a transition to once again have him back in the house.  I will say that the relationship does have a different feel to it.  For me, especially since we were not D, I knew that I would want to at least try to put the family back together and I would regret not trying.  I am glad that I did though as I am still in love with him. He is working hard to be attentive and transparent.  I've been able to share my fears about him to him. No subject is off of the table including the LO as I don't want to rug sweep what happened. It did happen.  How will it work out in the long run?  Who knows.  I do know that I'm smarter this time and will keep my new job, new passions (joined tennis club) and friends.  I would do this no matter what though with him or someone else.

What does this mean for you? Nothing. You seem to have a good approach regarding expectations and have been really smart in how you've handled everything. But I can relate to some of your thoughts and I think it really great to see a perspective from someone sort of in my shoes.  Please continue to check in from time to time. xo

[KellBell]

Journaling-

just something I wanted to mention. There is talk about being the lighthouse or beacon of light for our lost spouses. And I just wanted to confirm and attest to this approach. I didn't necessarily set out to be a light for him. But I wasn't going to compromise myself or who I was because of him. I wasn't going to let him break me or dim my light. I didn't want him to know how bad he hurt me. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. I am generally a positive and intuitive person who cares very much for those around me. I'm giving and inclusive and will help all that I can. He was no different. And IT WAS SO HARD to be that way with him because it felt like he couldn't get far enough away from me. He couldn't find enough things to blame me for. But I just kept on going.

I noticed after Father's Day, when we started talking more and more that he started calling me pet names. He calls me 'sunshine' and 'smiles'. I thought it might be a temporary thing, because he was never big on pet names. Maybe a 'babe' every once in awhile but never this consistent. I finally just asked him why he calls me that when he was here this weekend. He pulled me in for a hug and said that when things were at their darkest- I was the brightest light in his life. When he thought he couldn't get any lower he would find a reason to text or call me. And that despite how horrible he had been- I was kind and patient and helpful. He admitted he's not entirely out of the darkness yet but that he feels like he has a guiding light when the depression gets bad.

I knew from the beginning that he was suffering from depression- clinical. It was affecting every facet of his life and reflected in his mental and physical health and every relationship. Depression is a big part of a midlife crisis. But it can also stand alone. And I think he began to just grasp at straws and change everything he could, because things were so so bad. He was never taught self love, coping skills or effective communication. All those things stacked against us. He is just now realizing he is worth loving. He is worth my love, my forgiveness. He is realizing that he had parents that provided for him, but that weren't loving. They weren't supportive or encouraging. He has a lot of internal things to work on- lots of baggage from his childhood. But the first step is recognizing it and wanting help to change it- AND HE'S THERE.

Continuing being a light- don't let them diminish your bright spirit!

[Imgood]

From KellBell - “He has a lot of internal things to work on- lots of baggage from his childhood. But the first step is recognizing it and wanting help to change it- AND HE'S THERE.”

KellBell, this is so good to hear.

I am, a little more than two years out, of H moving out. I can only hope my H comes to  recognize and want help for his childhood baggage. I saw H yesterday. It’s been four months since I’ve seen him. It’s so sad. He looks awful. He has aged 10 years. I truly hope for his sake, he finds peace one day.

[KellBell]

Updating and journaling.

quick recap: We are 20 months from BD and about 8 months from him wanting to come back and work on things. DURING those 12 months apart...he immediately moved to another state with just his suitcase a few days after BD. He moved with no plans or a place to stay. We divorced- it's what he was sure he wanted. He gave me full custody and denied any visitation rights. SOOOO many red flags. Our divorce was final 6 months after BD. I quit talking to him. Left him alone. About 11 months after BD he asked if he could visit our daughter and attend her softball game. While he was back he was flirty and friendly which was weird. A few weeks later he asked daughter and I to come visit him for the long weekend. We reconnected and he apologized and asked us to recommit to each other. Since then he's been very apologetic and vocal about his mistakes, working on himself through therapy and AA, and really trying hard to be better. After we reconnected, he asked to come home. I said it would be better if he stayed where he was and really worked on himself and figured out what he wanted. I think it was probably the best decision, because it's forced him to really work on himself and reevaluate how he got there and how he can get back to where he wants to be.

Since my last post in October...we still see each other every two weeks. Either we go there or he comes here. We talk and FaceTime every night. We do couples counseling and go on dates every visit. We take turns planning. He still sends me flowers twice a week with something sweet and different on every card. We spent the holidays as a family and spent Christmas Day with my mom and grandparents. They welcomed him back no questions asked. Except I did over hear my grandfather speaking with him when we left on Christmas Day. He said "I'm glad you're back. I like seeing you two together. I knew you'd figure your sh*t out." To which my xh responded "I'm happy to be back too. It was a horribly dark year for me and I thank God everyday she took me back." So that was sweet.

He's been super attentive, kind and loving. We just got back from a vacation with just him and I. We had a blast. And several of the nights he would hold me and say how lucky he was and how sorry he was. I knew from the very beginning that he was having a break down. That something was very wrong and that this wasn't personal to me or about me or us. It was all about him and what he was dealing with. And I know that now, but it feels nice to be reassured from him...that it was a mistake and he messed up.

Our adult children are taking a bit more time to come around. However we all spent New Years week together at his house. And it was nice. It's going to take time to rebuild trust and fix what was broken.

Our youngest daughter and I may move out there this summer. He keeps asking me to marry him again. He refers to me as his wife. In my head I convinced myself I needed at least a year of commitment and him showing me change before I married him again. So that would be up in July. It was just arbitrary, but I needed a measure of consistency to help me judge the situation.

On my end, I've continued to work on myself. I realized that my way of appreciating him wasn't one he wanted or fully recognized. That he likes verbal praise and adoration. Words AND actions are his love language. I've realized I was rigid and very type A about our household and that made him feel like one of the children sometimes. Which I never would have intended. I've realized that marriage and relationships aren't 50/50. They are 100/100. Both have to be committed to it. I came from a broken home and no real example of a healthy marriage. And my husband came into the marriage not knowing how to parent...realizing just recently that his parents really didn't do a great job with him. We are both trying to fix those deficits together.

As far as another woman. About 5 months after leaving he reconnected with a highschool friend. The had an online romance. Only met once in person. He said she came in to kiss him and he couldn't do it. It became too real. Online it was fantasy. And the reality of it was too much. And apparently he talked too much about me. Because she kept saying- I'm not Kell. I'll never be like Kell. Which got my xh thinking... you're right. You are not Kell. Not even close. So she doomed herself. The OW are really not that great and usually a much lower standard...so keep yourself on higher level. Conduct yourself with calmness and poise and be the spouse they fell in love with from the beginning.

I guess that's all. July 4 will be two years from BD and crazy to think we may be remarried by then. What an insane two years it's been.

[JohnnyBravo]

Great to hear from you, KellBell, and great update. Thanks for checking in!

[titleholder]

Great to hear from you KellBell! You've always been an inspiration for me. It's so good to hear that you're rebuilding your family and marriage. I wish you all the best!

[UrsaMajor]

So, that huge popping noise I heard a few months back... That must have been him pulling his head out of his ... fog...

Congratulations and well done - you did you and he came around.