Hey- just checking in and thought I would journal a few things.
First off- we’re officially official again! Married and heading off on our honeymoon this week. We got married on our old anniversary. Weird but seemed right. Now we’re wondering how to count our anniversaries going forward…23 years from the first and then add the years from the second? It’s crazy but a good problem to have.
Secondly- one of the biggest life lessons I’ve learned through all of this is… No matter how much I want to I can’t fix anyone or their lives. That goes for my husband, my adult kids, my brothers, my mom, my bestfriend etc. I can help and will always be here ready and willing but I’m done fixing. It was a lot of stress/work for me and robbed them of the ability to figure things out. This was one of my husband’s biggest hurdles- his mom and I always doing and fixing. He never learned total self reliance and/or appreciation for those who were doing things. It became expected. And I’ll be damned sure if my adult kids turn out that way. It’s also healthier for me.
Thirdly- I’ve noticed more and more people in my life going through a midlife crisis and my heart breaks for their families. It’s so tough. And crazy because it’s so obvious from the outside looking in. For some you have to just watch the self destruction and for others you comfort and love those picking up the pieces. Three years ago I would thought this was a cliche or a rare occurrence. It’s sad.
And lastly- a check in from my husband. We don’t talk a lot about his crisis. He’s still confused on why he felt so sure I was problem when he can clearly see now that alcoholism and depression were to blame. He apologizes a lot and gets nervous if he thinks I’m upset. He thinks I’ll leave. Low self esteem is an issue he’s dealt with the majority of his life and that mixed with the guilt of everything he did- leads to unsureness and apologies. He’s working his way back though. He’s still working on his addiction and depression but that will be life long work. And like I said before I wish I could fix it for him but I can’t and I wouldn’t. It’s hard but he can do this and the growth he’s shown is mind blowing. I’ve told him about this forum and at some point he wants to share his side. He’s started reading my story but had to stop. The truth is really hard to hear (or read) sometimes and sometimes it’s easier to take in in small amounts. He did say he was happy to know how the story ends.
Anyway- I think that’s all from this side.
YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is. Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down. Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
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His MLC and my journey