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Author Topic: My Story His MLC and my journey

K
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My Story His MLC and my journey
OP: March 01, 2022, 11:41:40 AM
Well, second thread time. Not sure how much I'll use this. But just incase, I wanted to have thread to fall back on.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11848.0

hope I attached my previous thread right.
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« Last Edit: October 08, 2024, 06:05:29 PM by OffRoad »
YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
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His MLC and my journey
#1: March 01, 2022, 02:09:47 PM
Following along  :D

-SS
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W - 43
M - 47
Together 28 years, M 25
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012
M
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His MLC and my journey
#2: March 01, 2022, 02:20:31 PM
I’m following along too.  I’m amazed at your strength through this. 
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K
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#3: March 07, 2022, 06:58:22 AM
journaling

His actions (or inactions) through out all of this has only reinforced my initial thought and that was- I pity him. For quitting on me. But mostly because he gave up and walked away from one of the biggest blessings we'll ever get to experience...parenthood. He walked away from girls that adored him. Looked up to him. Respected him. Loved him. Our girls weren't challenging. Never caused drama. Got good grades, had focus and no interest in the typical teenage female drama. They are sweet and kind and talented. They are amazing. And he just walked away from that.  So I pity him. And I can't imagine the feelings he'll have when he wakes up and realizes what he gave up, willingly and on his own accord.

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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
M
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His MLC and my journey
#4: March 08, 2022, 01:15:11 PM
I admire how strong you are.  Also your ability at this point to be able to pity him.  I always think, what if he never wakes up to his destruction?  I wish I could just be sure mine would.  It feels like the kids and I are the ones suffering.  He will miss out though.  He will miss out on their lives.  My MIL and I were talking about this and how she was recently listening to a church talk from someone who had been through this as a child.  His dad walked out on their family.  He basically said that it took to the time he was an adult and had his own kids to realize that it wasn’t him that missed out.  His dad wasn’t who he needed and he had a wonderful mother.  He realized through sharing experiences with his own kids that it was his dad who truly missed out. 
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K
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#5: March 08, 2022, 05:59:09 PM
I’m sure he’ll wake up. That’s not the issue.  What his choice will be when he does - thats the million dollar question…and honestly I have no clue. Will he accept what he’s done and try to be better and do better OR will he run, hide and ignore the destruction and pretend to be happy for the rest of his years. Who knows.
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
K
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His MLC and my journey
#6: March 17, 2022, 02:20:37 PM
journaling-

I used to really like the memories feature on instagram and facebook. I'm really starting to hate it now. Crazy and mind boggling how much can change in year. I find myself searching the photos for clues or little bits of something to give me insight. Nothing. I don't see anything but our happy adorable family and I'm just left with the same sadness and confusion.
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
E
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His MLC and my journey
#7: March 17, 2022, 02:33:24 PM
Hi Kel. Coming out of the woodwork to say I completely agree re the FB memory function. I also wanted to say that I almost (‘cause really, not much of this experience is particularly funny, is it) laugh whenever I read most of your posts. Because there are so many similarities in our stories. The big difference is how quickly you’ve found your stride and are moving through this so well. I’m bloody fabulous these days compared to at the start but it’s taken 3 1/2 years and ‘it’ still all slooshes around in there under the very functional surface. So I just wanted to drop by to say, ‘go you’, you’re doing fabulously. I’m following along behind you… even though I’m in front of you! Lol
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M: 54 (48 @ BD), H: 56 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 25 (19 @ BD), D: 23 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 23 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....
Jun 23: I meet a lovely new man (M).
Jun 24: xH and OW finally buy a block of land
Jul 24: xH proposes to OW... in front of the whole family, just wow...
K
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#8: March 22, 2022, 07:41:32 AM
journaling-

I'm barely keeping my head above water as I get used to being a single parent and trying to find my place. I'm currently taking 12 credits at the university and will be finishing up my Bachelors degrees and graduating in May. I'm also working full time, fulfilling my intern credits for graduation (20 hours a week), coaching my D10's softball and volleyball teams, serving on two community boards and trying to carve out time for me. I have our three dogs (walks, vets, car etc), our middle D has some medical issues I'm dealing with. Oh, and I'm trying to schedule and manage a move next month. And despite all of this and feeling tired and overwhelmed...I can see that I'm in a better place than my xh.

In eight weeks, I'll be done with school- graduated and have two degrees. We will be settled in our new home- settling into our new routine and finely feeling grounded ... set. My girls come over every Saturday to hang out as a family- they always bring me flowers, we watch movies, play games, do puzzles, work on projects, bake- and it always involves lots of laughter and love. I really do cherish every minute of it. Coaching takes so much time and energy, but I wouldn't ever pass up the opportunity to spend that time with my D10. She's amazing and talented and funny. And I adore every minute I get with her. I love being involved in the community and using my talents and resources to help better the city we live in with causes that are near to my heart. Meeting new people and feeling part of something bigger- brings with it a sense of purpose and self worth.


I miss alot about our old life when my Xh was around. But really- not alot has changed. Our lives are still full of love, laughter, adventure and family. I'm able to make decisions unilaterally, which for the most part is really nice. And my life is full of possibilities and options.

As for the xh- he's still running. First it was moving to CO will make me happy and fix this. Then divorce will fix this. Then a clean slate and no family or responsibilities will fix this. Then a new position at work will fix this. And now it's buying a house and getting out of the rental will fix this. Time will fix this. Blah Blah Blah. And that is why I pity him. Running won't fix anything. Only he can fix it. And the longer he takes to realize it- the more damage there will be to fix.

The time dynamic is a funny one. Time for me to figure out who I am and what I want and deserve all the while growing and living and paving the way for a brighter future. And time for him has the same purpose...figuring out what is causing these feelings, figuring out who he is and what he wants...however all the while he is burning bridges and relationships and causing so much destruction in the process. It's a bit of one step forward two steps back kind of deal for the MLC. Sad.

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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?
H
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His MLC and my journey
#9: March 22, 2022, 08:22:15 AM
Quote from: KellBell on March 22, 2022, 07:41:32 AM
I miss alot about our old life when my Xh was around. But really- not alot has changed. Our lives are still full of love, laughter, adventure and family. I'm able to make decisions unilaterally, which for the most part is really nice. And my life is full of possibilities and options.

I feel the exact same way.  Glad you are moving forward with your life even with such a hectic schedule.

Quote from: KellBell on March 22, 2022, 07:41:32 AM
The time dynamic is a funny one. Time for me to figure out who I am and what I want and deserve all the while growing and living and paving the way for a brighter future. And time for him has the same purpose...figuring out what is causing these feelings, figuring out who he is and what he wants...however all the while he is burning bridges and relationships and causing so much destruction in the process. It's a bit of one step forward two steps back kind of deal for the MLC. Sad.

I am in the same situation right now.  I hear from my kids about the relationships that have deteriorated for my XW and it's heartbreaking.   All I can do it leave her to figure it out.   Hope time treats you well as you look to future.

HF
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M - 49
Divorced 2.5 years
2 kids
BD - July 2020
XW Left Home - January 2021
XW Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022
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