[MadLuv]

Wow Thundarr!!! That sounds so good. I think meeting through others is the best way to meet someone. Specially when we are left with trust issues. You have friends that already know them. Sounds like a great healthy start !!

[Thundarr]

Thanks MadLuv.  Things continue to progress very well.....almost too well, honestly, as my past experiences keep me thinking in the back of my mind that something's going to come out or happen that will just reinforce my negative mindset from the past few years that I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone.  I was able to let my guard down and be happy again when I was engaged and then that fell through (and in hindsight I see why and am glad it did) and then had last year's ex-gf come along who I had a million things in common with and a great 3-4 month relationship that ended with mutual respect and no drama or hard feelings at all which left me thinking that if things weren't meant to work out there then they just weren't at all.  Now, lo and behold new gf comes along who has even more things in common with me and in truth checks off every single box of what I want in a partner and I'm left waiting for the catch.  She seems to have very much fallen for me and her D24 and I hit it off like gangbusters due to our shared interests and the fact that we have a relative in common (by marriage on her end).  Also found out that I've been friends with new gf's first cousin since high school and he's very close with her father and helps her look after him.  Strange coincidences all around and when we're together it feels like we've been for much longer than we have.  Part of this is due to the fact that she's the same height and body size of XW possibly, which is at once both a positive and also somewhat hard to get used to.  XF was about as opposite of XW as she could be, and ex-gf was physically similar to XW but like a much more successful version of her.  Have I finally met the one who I've always hoped to meet or will this be just another chapter in my life?  Taking it day by day and enjoying each wonderful day we spend together.

Just back to work after the best vacation I've ever had.  S17 and I went to a concert with 3 bands I've had on my bucket list for a long time.  Unfortunately one other band had to cancel due to the singer's health and that band was my first concert ever, so we'll have to catch them later.  Spent a week at the beach with all 3 kids, my grandson and D29's fiancee and it was the most calm and serene I've ever felt.  Having everyone together at my favorite place in the world was beyond enjoyable and we all got along well and had fun together.  Grandson was extremely well behaved for a 4 year-old and handled the 9-hour drive time like a pro.  We made several great memories and I have to say I was the happiest I could possibly be at this point in my life.  Not sure how many more vacations I'll have with the whole family but having all my kids and grandson under one roof with me for the week was priceless.  Very thankful and blessed!  Also got to meet D21's boyfriend last night and feel really good about him as he seems like a millenial with a good work ethic and values.  So strange that they met and started dating the same week GF and I did, and ironic that she and her daughter were at the restaurant last night that we picked so D21 and her bf got to meet them too.  Way too many things falling into place for me lately but maybe I need to stop questioning and just roll with them....

One note about XW and her continuing teenage drama.  While at a restaurant with the family D29 got a text and expressed a bit of frustration.  I asked her what was wrong and she said that XW was asking her for money again and that she has been hitting D29 up for loans at least twice a month for the past several months.  She borrowed $500 from her in early June and later stated she could only pay her back $350, then ended up only paying her back $200.  D29 said she keeps loaning her money because she doesn't want her to struggle, but I pointed out that XW makes plenty to support herself and her live-in boyfriend also probably makes good money so there's no reason she's struggling other than the fact she's driving a brand-new van that XW herself told me has close to a $500/ month car payment and she impulse buys.  D29 said that XW also sometimes hits lawyer boy (the alienator) up for money too.  I guess finding all this out was a gift for me because it reminded me what a train wreck XW is and how much better off the kids are without her in our home.  Sad to say that but it's true.  D21 overheard D29 telling me this and just gave me a look of disgust as she has become much less involved with XW since getting her license and car.  I can almost see all three one day cutting her out of their lives completely and I hate that for all of them, including her.  Not my circus and not my monkeys as they say.

Peace to you all.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Very good message to start until:

.almost too well, honestly, as my past experiences keep me thinking in the back of my mind that something's going to come out or happen that will just reinforce my negative mindset from the past few years that I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone.

Stop it! Stop it!, Stop it! As a baby did some witch come out of the woods and proclaim, "As cute as he is, he is destined to die alone"? Stop looking for things  as potential roadblocks. Even in the best of situations, you are going to have adversity and conflict. It not only natural, it's healthy. One of the things that hurt my first marriage was we were both conflict avoiders and rarely fought. It wasn't good for either of us and this only carried on during the crisis. Could you just do one thing, live forward and understand backwards. Stop comparing and box checking and over analyzing everything. Just enjoy the journey and appreciate all that you have.

You just had a great time with your kids and grandbaby and that's all rewards you are reaping from your work at keeping the family together. Enjoy these memories and know that you will have more to come.

but maybe I need to stop questioning and just roll with them....

YES!

Now the hard part.

I asked her what was wrong and she said that XW was asking her for money again and that she has been hitting D29 up for loans at least twice a month for the past several months.

My advice is to be Papa Bear and tell Mama bear to manage her own life without infringing on your daughter. Your daughter has a child and her own bills and doesn't need to flush money down the drain. As you wrote, she is not incapacitated and has a job.  That money could have been invested towards the little man's college fun not to help pay for a van your Ex doesn't need. Hit up lawyer boy all she wants, but her kids are not her piggy bank.

I can almost see all three one day cutting her out of their lives completely and I hate that for all of them, including her.  Not my circus and not my monkeys as they say.

I disagree in this regard as you still care about the mental health of your children. That's why I think you should draw a line about the borrowing so it doesn't lead to your daughter cutting her mom out of her life. When there is discord and disconnect between the children and either parent, it becomes regret later on when that parent is gone. There are exceptions, but you really don't want your kids playing the "What if's and should haves" in their minds after your ex is gone. Promote communication and sharing time together, but draw the line if your ex asks for money. That's a boundary to protect all involved.

You are doing well and with my advice and three dollars, you might get a cup of coffee somewhere.

((((Ready))))

[MadLuv]

I agree, the money 💰?? That needs to be a boundary . Of course your D’s can do what they want, but you can always give your say and allow then to still make their own decision.  Your family time sounds wonderful and I just had a similar bday weekend and loved it. Finally felt everyone wasn't so on edge that we could start to find a new normal. It also did not slip my mind what XH is missing now and with my daughter trying for another baby what he will miss. They give up so much!!

Your new relationship sounds ALL positive and well deserved. Sounds like your luck is changing and of course there will be hiccups to come. That’s normal, but I think you are pretty keen to sense the red flags if they are there, so just enjoy !! 

[Thundarr]

Quick update.  Things continue to go very well with the new gf......too well in fact.  Still can't believe how natural everything feels with her and how much we have in common.  A few weeks ago we decided to have a picnic at a local lake and just spent the day there eating, talking and sitting in the swing together enjoying the beautiful weather.  There were periods where neither said anything and we just curled up in silence and it wasn't awkward or anything.  It just felt......right.  I think my problem is that I don't trust the universe enough to think there are such a thing as soulmates or that things really can be that easy when you meet the right person but I've heard from several others that it really is.  My best work friend is in a long-term relationship with her husband that started just like that and she said there are times she still can't believe it even after 12 years together.  This past weekend GF met and hung out with my mother and I while I took her to the grocery and to an appointment and they seemed to hit it off right away.  Saturday I met her family after we had met up with my cousin who had introduced us at a local car show and once again everything just seemed right.  It's strange how even at 50 years old I kind of feel like a teenager when meeting a woman who I'm dating's father but that's probably a good thing, lol.  Saturday night we went to a great 80's hair band concert and dressed as 80's as we could and both loved it.  Natural, fun, effortless.  Why is that tripping my radar???

As for XW things are not going as well there.  She flat refused to pay her part of S17's band expenses and said she doesn't have the money, yet she was bragging to D29 about recent things she bought.  I told her that if she doesn't have the money then she needs to get a second job to cover her responsibility for her children's expenses as the divorce decree says educational expenses are supposed to be 50/50 and she blocked my number.  For the past 3 weeks she's communicated with me through S17 and D21 and tried to pawn off picking him up from band camp through them.  Childish, immature, irresponsible, selfish.  In some ways she's as bad as she ever was and frankly I despise her now. She puts her boyfriend and even her stupid dogs before the kids and it sickens me to no end.  It's been over 11 years since BD and 12 since her MLC signs started so I'm to assume now that this is the real her and that it will always be.  Sad ending to what was once a great marriage......or was it?  Maybe I was just too naive to know what was an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with a narcissist until she finally pulled the plug and moved onto an even bigger narcissist than herself.  Who knows?

Peace to you all.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

As for XW things are not going as well there.  She flat refused to pay her part of S17's band expenses and said she doesn't have the money, yet she was bragging to D29 about recent things she bought.  I told her that if she doesn't have the money then she needs to get a second job to cover her responsibility for her children's expenses as the divorce decree says educational expenses are supposed to be 50/50 and she blocked my number.  For the past 3 weeks she's communicated with me through S17 and D21 and tried to pawn off picking him up from band camp through them.

This is why it is best not to have anything to do with her as her actions have not changed one bit since she left. Yes, she shows up to some family functions and helps present the "friendly" co-parenting exes, but it is all an illusion. Her priority is herself and this is evidenced by her willingness to solicit money from her own kids to support her lifestyle. That is a huge red flag. The second red flag is that she blocked your number and is using the kids to send messages to you. Personally, I would refuse to take any messages from my children sent by their mother. She is a big girl and if she really needs to talk to you, then she will speak directly to you- not making your children diplomates caught in the middle.

In the end, what do you need to talk to her about? You already know she isn't going to give you a dime. If it's in the agreement, you may have no alternative but to take her to court and seek compensation if she is in contempt of the court order. Or just accept she's not going to pay anything and just drop her completely.

On another note, the less you have to deal, speak, or see her, the better for your new relationship.  Both my new wife and I rarely, if ever, see our exes. They both stay out of our lives and I think having NC with an ex is healthy for the new relationship. First of all, it relieves a lot of stress by not having to deal with them at all, and second, we don't have to talk about them on a regular basis- good or bad.

You need to drop her completely and live as if she is not there at all. Take care of your family and focus on those that contribute to your world, not detract.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[Thundarr]

Thank you, Ready.  My interactions with XW have dropped off drastically since she still has my number blocked as a result of my asking her to pay her share of S17's band fees.  She now communicates with D21 about who's picking him up from band practice and has been manipulating her into doing it when she doesn't want to.  On top of that, she now refuses to get S17 anything to eat when she does pick him up and gives no explanation as to why.  My guess is that it's so S17 will ask D21 to pick him up from practice instead and XW will have yet again one less parenting responsibility.  D21 has repeatedly told her to unblock my number and communicate with me on issues pertaining to S17 but she ignores her and continues to use D21 as a go-between, knowing that if I tell D21 to ignore her then the result will be S17 being left at the school as she has done him in the past.  Unfortunately I work in a different town and do not get off in time to pick him up usually so it has to be either XW or D21.  The positive in this, if there is any, is that I'm reaching the point of despising XW to the point of hating her for the way she treats the kids and how she sees it as a way to get back at me.  Reconciliation is beyond the realm of possibility in this lifetime now.

On a positive note, things are going fantastic with the new gf.  We've progressed nicely and have introduced each other to our closest friends and family members and she has a great perspective on how best to build our relationship over time rather than rushing things with the kids or imposing on their personal space.  Our parenting philosophies are very much in line with one another and her D23 and I have hit it off tremendously.  My D29 really likes her a lot and D21 is gradually feeling her out while also being friends with her D23.  S17 is very hesitant due to the fact that he got close to XF and feels she abandoned him just like XW in a way.  I can understand his trepidation with getting close to anyone anytime soon and so can GF.  She even said it needs to be awhile before she stays at my house or spends any great deal of time there because that's his safe place.  She and her D23 lucked into a great new apartment that they're moving into today due to structural problems found in their old one, and GF stated that she wants me to feel at home there as well and refers to the master bedroom as "our room."  I'm still trying to wrap my head around how she doesn't trip my radar at all and honestly has not created any stress in my life whatsoever so far.  I guess it may be some sort of residual PTSD effect from XW and XF.  My last relationship was very positive but also brief, and thankfully this one reminds me very much of how things were there but even better.

This past weekend was our local parade and also my agency picnic and GF attended both with me.  S17 marched in the parade and GF sat with D29 and myself along with my grandson and D29's fiance.  I had forewarned her that XW may make an appearance and she didn't bat an eye.  As expected, XW did show up and came right over to our little group so I went ahead and introduced her to GF and both were very pleasant.  Luckily, XW was in one of her "Nice Monster" modes and was more tolerable than usual.  She and GF spoke briefly and shared some pleasantries, then when we were all departing told each other it was nice to meet them.  This was very different for me as XF and XW never spoke a single word to each other on the 5 or so instances where we were all together.  GF stated that it only made sense for her and XW to be cordial and friendly with each other as they will likely be crossing paths multiple times over the years if we end up working out and that she would rather I be the same with her XH despite his having put her through even worse than XW did me.

Now, one strange thing I'm struggling with that I'm sure at least some others here have and that is the fact that GF actually reminds me of the old XW in some ways (all good).  They are almost exactly the same height and build, which one of my friends was quick to point out in calling GF my "type," and sometimes when GF and I hug it triggers memories for me.  XF was taller and thinner and built much different, along with being very different personality-wise so she did not trigger any memories at all hardly.  I know it seems petty and strange but I can't help thinking how GF is like XW 2.0 and whether or not she may also go off the deep end like XW did.  GF has walked the walk as far as parenting goes as she cared for a disabled daughter for 10 years on her own and did not even date during that time and also exhibits a great deal of empathy both at work and otherwise so in those ways she is definitely NOT like XW but it still almost feels like I'm taking a step backwards and that is completely unfair to GF.  What a Twilight Zone I'm living in wherein the only possible knock I have on GF is that she has the physical and emotional qualities that I liked in XW.  Such is my luck, lol.

Peace to you all.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

The positive in this, if there is any, is that I'm reaching the point of despising XW to the point of hating her for the way she treats the kids and how she sees it as a way to get back at me.  Reconciliation is beyond the realm of possibility in this lifetime now.

You don't want to get to a point of hate, because that means there are still emotional connections between you and her. About a year ago, my ex and our youngest came down to visit my oldest daughter. They spent about a week down here. While I saw my youngest daughter, I never saw my ex. No need to. I didn't want any fake and awkward dinners together as a "family".  She divorced me and that ended my responsibility to care about her. She is not in anyway my priority.

In all fairness to your new girlfriend or any other female you are interested in, you have to be in a position to fully commit to that person. Stop hanging on to crumbs that your ex tosses at you when she needs something.

I know it seems petty and strange but I can't help thinking how GF is like XW 2.0 and whether or not she may also go off the deep end like XW did.

Stop this now. This is still keeping you connected to your ex and is not healthy for either of you. My wife and I never compare each other to our exes, either good or bad. We only note each other positives as a unique individual in our lives. Even when we fight, we don't bring our exes into the battle by saying "you are acting just like my ex". 

Your girlfriend is not a clone of your ex. She is not programmed or wired like her at all. Your ex is not a good person. Not at all. She would leave her son alone after band practice and doesn't even want to share a meal with him. She also borrows money from her oldest daughter and uses her as a mediator between the both of you. That's not a good person. Do you want to compare your new girlfriend to her? In any way? Stop the romantic comparisons and accept your new girlfriend for who she is and not who you want her to be. Stop pulling her into the romantic memories you have had about your terrible ex.

If someone tries to compare, stop them immediately. "She's your type." and your response,  "Yes, she is a special person in her own way and I like that type of person"

I really want you to find peace and bliss in your life. Go completely NC with that wreck of an ex and enjoy your time with someone who cares about you.

Have a great day,

((((Ready))))

[xyzcf]

You sound happy Thundaar, I know you have wanted a partner for a long time and it hasn't been easy. There is a saying for girls anyway that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Maybe she is the one.

I have a different opinion than ready and actually I think that you and you alone can make the decision on how much interaction you have with your ex wife.

Her actions do not sound like a healthy person's and yes, her treatment of the kids has been abysmal...but then that is what people do when they are in a crisis...and some never come through that, but...personally I will never turn anyone away from me, especially not someone who I spent so many years with, who I loved, who I had children with. Especially when I can see how abnormal his behavior continues to be.

I agree that feelings of hatred rob you of some of your joy and happiness.

For some of us, we do not completely recover from this, even many in new relationships have admitted that they still care deeply about their spouse.

I try and show everyone "kindness" because that's who I am and he doesn't get to change that in me.

So, you have always been concerned about her and if that feels right for your heart, then so be it.

Expecting anything at all from her sets you up for disappointment......as you know, you cannot fix her. If it feels better to close all doors, then do so, if it feels better to remember her as someone you loved deeply, the mother of your children and you can have some compassion for her in this "state" then that's fine too.

[Reinventing]

I agree with Ready. Ready didn't say to shun  XW when she showed up at the parade (for example). What Ready is saying is for Thundarr to stop comparing GF with XW and to see GF as completely her own person.

I agree with stopping someone from saying you have a "type" and to redirect them (and you) to the unique qualities of GF.

One thing we've learned through all of this is how to redirect our thoughts and how our thoughts impact our emotions.

Being pleasant to XW in social settings versus staying attached to her through comparisons to GF's physique are two different things.

Thundarr doesn't have to hate his XW in order to stop intermingling his thoughts about her and his GF.