[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

This was a great post and most of all, it demonstrates a great amount of acceptance. I

XW is still completely crazy and lives like a 52 year-old teenager who cannot control spending and routinely borrows money from D30, along with keeping her purchases from her boyfriend. I look at her now and am thankful that I got off the train with as little financial damage as possible, even though the psychological and emotional damage was devastating.

The borrowing of money from your own child who has her own family to take care of completely floors me. My ex may not have much, but she manages her money and still helps our youngest daughter.

My oldest daughter and my ex have not had a great relationship. However, my oldest sees her mom as a broken person. She feels than by accepting that her mom is broken, she can understand and accept her for who she is instead of what she would like her to be.

Acceptance....that's where I am right now.

GF and I have long-term plans to eventually move in together and get married, but both agree neither of those will happen this year and maybe not even next.

No rush, I dated my current wife for four years before we got married. After all, we were not planning to start a family together. Take you time and enjoy the journey you are taking together.

I am glad things are going so well for you.

Have a great weekend,

(((Ready)))

[Thundarr]

Thank you Madluv, X, BeyondBlessed, Dragonfly33 and of course Ready!

These past few days were pretty surreal. S18 graduated from high school and the entire family attended and sat together. XW even called to see who was riding with me and if there was room, but ended up riding with D30 since I did not have room. XW broke down in tears during the ceremonies and D22 noticed but stated that she felt like the tears were forced. Afterward, we all went to a restaurant for dinner and XW initially offered to sit with GF and I so that S18 could sit with D30 and my grandson. At the dinner, D22 presented S18 with the greatest graduation present ever - a time capsule that S18 had made in kindergarten that was to be opened on the day he graduated high school. Apparently D22 had kept it safe and hidden for him and said she checked on it 2 or 3 times a year to make sure it was still where it was and safe. This was made during the worst year of our lives, 2011, and right after BD.  The fact that D22 took that upon herself and kept it her little secret and then remembered to give it to him on his special day was beyond any act of love I could imagine. She's always helped me look out for him and take care of him since XW left us and the two are as close as can be. (They are even getting an apartment or house together at college this fall).  XW and I both shared on our FB pages about the time capsule that D22 had saved for the past 12 years for him but XW left any mention of D22 out of it and only praised S18's preschool teacher in her post which really hurt D22's feelings. XW and I aren't friends on FB but I commented on her post anyway about the awesome thing D22 had done and XW neither commented on it or deleted it which is interesting.

Yesterday would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. Ironically, I did spend part of it with XW as the family met for dinner at a local restaurant and then went over to D30's for cake and ice cream. I had joked with my GF about how I might wish XW a happy anniversary in a sarcastic way but wasn't really planning to. GF arrived at the restaurant before I did and sat with XW and D30's family and said that XW had been acting like she was in a super hurry for some reason and was very hyper. XW left before the rest of us and actually volunteered to pick up the cake and ice cream before meeting us at D30's. We all sat at the table in our usual seats which is me at one end with XW on my left and GF on my right. Not sure why we always sit in those same places but the irony did not escape me. XW was blatantly attention seeking and at a couple points starting acting very catty toward GF who just responded by continuing to be nice and treating XW as if she was a friendly acquaintance or the kids aunt or something. Very classy on her part!  XW did bring up D30's upcoming wedding and S18 looked at me and started laughing, which prompted XW and D30 to ask what we were laughing about. I mentioned that it would have been our 30th anniversary and XW seemed to really squirm and try to change the subject, stating that she had not remembered (lie). GF and I both laughed and the rest of the evening was uneventful. Still it was strange thinking about the anniversary date and how I would have never envisioned it being this way but such is life and its unpredictability.

Peace to you all.

[MadLuv]

I mean, forget the mic!!! Tear drop!!!!  You lost me at the capsule what a beautifully wonderful sibling gesture. That is deep connection and love and it is soooooo lovely to see even after everything they have been through.  They know how to truly love ❤️

[Thundarr]

Greetings all,

I've reached a strange point in my life. The next few weeks will bring great change to both my household and my daily routine as my two youngest are set to move almost an hour away to attend the university. Since they are both on full band scholarships they will have several responsibilities outside the normal classroom routines that most students have to endure. Their time will be very limited, as will their opportunities to come home to visit since their free time will be taken up with rehearsals, marching band, pep band and other activities. My son estimates that I may see them once a month at best. This is after having them live with me their entire lives. I'll miss checking on them in the night as I have done since they were babies. I'll miss our conversations, and I'll especially miss hearing their conversations and laughter echoing in the hallway. I'll even miss picking up after them, which I shouldn't have to do at ages 18 and 22 but...kids. My girlfriend and I plan on eventually having her move in with me but both decided that we will take that step when the time is right and we are both ready. I don't want her to move in just because I'm lonely or as a bandaid for missing the kids, and she has her own daughter to deal with that she's trying to help get back on her own and has decided that when she moves in she will just transfer her apartment over to her. At this point we are looking at sometime next year and she just signed another year lease. Things are as great as could be between us after over a year together so I also don't want any unnecessary stressors.

As for me, I see nothing bright in my immediate future and feel that I will simply diminish and fade away for the most part after the kids move out. I've only lived alone a month in my entire life, so this will be a mostly new experience for me. I can't say I'm looking forward to it in the least but do see that I will have time to engage in some hobbies and keep the house neat and clean, but those will be things I do just to stave off the imminent depression that will come from living in the empty nest. On top of that, my mother is in the final stages of dementia and will be in the nursing home until the end. I so long to have her to call and talk to about the kids and their progress as well as my new normal, but she is not there mentally and won't ever be. My last 13 years has revolved around taking care of her and the two youngest and now I will no longer have that identity. It truly is the end of many things, even moreso than the D was oh those many years ago.

Any observations or recommendations from other parents who have been through a similar experience? I figure most of us are of the age that their kids are around the same age or even older than mine so I'm sure others have gone through this. Thoughts?

Peace to you all.

[KayDee]

Just a note of support - I don't have children, so I cannot share related experiences. But it does sound like you are going through a phase that contains a lot of endings. Although these are, in so many ways, good endings, as you have done the best can do, brought up your kids so they are confident to fly the proverbial nest and complete their individuation. If you think about it, many of the people who end up in a MLC are those that did not fully individuate, so your parenting pays forward. And speaking of forward, it does sound to me, reading what you wrote, that you have quite a few things to be excited about. The threshold of something new can often be daunting, or unnerving, but, as we all know, change is the only constant.

[limitless]

With the exception of the gf, your life sounds very much like mine - a few years ago. 

I had never lived alone - until my son and his boyfriend moved out 3 years ago.  Honestly - it was time.  He will be 30 years old next year and he really needed to learn to be on his own. 

Add in the pandemic and then I decided 1.5 years ago to retire and quite honestly I've turned my life quite upside down.  But  again, after almost 38 years working at the same company - it was time.  I was done. My Mother had passed away from Dementia back in 2019.  With the exception of my eldest sister, all my siblings have left the state that I live.  My kids all live relatively near - so I do see them pretty regularly. 

But, for the first time - I wake up in an empty house and, if I make no effort - I can spend the entire day and not see anyone.  Not really a pleasant day for someone like me - who really enjoys being around other people.

So, what do I do?   I fill my time with things that I enjoy doing. I’ve done some traveling.  I have regular outings with friends - whether it be a mani-pedi, a movie, going to lunch or dinner. I go to the gym - get some exercise or go for a walk. It’s actually a good experience to live alone - but I can honestly say it wouldn’t have been what I would have chosen for myself.  I have, most recently, taken to listening to way too much political news.  That is never a good thing. 

You will need to reinvent your life.  Find and do things that you enjoy.  Your kids are on a journey to adulthood.  That's really great!   You’ve done good!  Now is time for you to spend time how you want to.  Be a little selfish.  Find joy in every day. 

As for me - today - morning trip to the gym, massage at 1pm, late lunch with one on my best girlfriends, meet up with my oldest daughter to watch the US women’s soccer game - then my youngest daughter will be over to spend a few nights- as we head to Vegas on Saturday to see Kelly Clarkson.  I hope that I can fit in a nap sometime. 

Life is good!

L

[MadLuv]

It is an adjustment. I often say I complained about tripping over the back backs left in the middle of the floor to wishing I could trip over those back packs. So, I also had a full house and then we lost D14, followed by my daughters BF being injured in afghaniston and them getting married so she could live on base to nurse him. Then my som leaving for college and my H taking a traveling job. Then, my son finished school and moved back, daughter got divorced and moved back eoth grandson in tow.

Fast forward to 2018 and daughter moves out, 2020 H leaves. Both my parent have passed away from cancer. So, how do you cope? Well, you do have a girlfriend. So, maybe you an plan and go on some adventures. Hike and see the beautiful scenery in your state and then branch out. This helps depression greatly. I wish I had a boyfriend to do that. You will adjust and enjoy your alone time and it will become the new normal. When the kids can come back. Plan for it. I have swimming parties and cook and plan activites and make it special.

Your going to be fine. Better than fine. It is your time now and once you adjust to the nee normal you will have a better appreciation for time with your kids and away.

[Reinventing]

From Limitless:

You will need to reinvent your life.

Yep

[OffRoad]

Let it unfold. My D moved out, then my S moved out, then he moved back then he moved out, then D moved back now D has moved out again.

What I learned: To cook for one.  To find my own passions. To roll with changes. To take care of me. To go on trips by myself. To just be. Also how to make care packages,  how to pack up rooms so you don't have to dust everything every week. (While they were gone, but not gone). How to make space when needed.

You'd be amazed at the things that can fill your time. Find you as you are when you aren't "Dad". You exist. You'll still be Dad, but better.

[Thundarr]

"Seduction of the Gun."

Thanks Kaydee, Limitless, Reinventing, Madluv and Offroad. This weekend is it and they will be officially moving Saturday. We took a beach vacation last week, but as nice as it was there was a dark cloud hanging over it as I kept thinking about what we would be doing once we returned. We got their new beds and mattresses and took them to their new home to set up, and took our dog to meet the landlords to see if it would work out. It didn't so I will be keeping the dog for now at least. XW offered to help me with the dog due to my work schedule and said she would come over and take her out and feed her every afternoon/ evening, to which I called her out on how she has not been good on her word in years and asked why I would want my XW in my house every dat. As much as I'm incredibly proud and happy for them I can't help but feel the sense of loss and compare that to the sense of loss I felt a few months after BD when I believed I had lost my family and so much more. For whatever reason I'm being triggered although the two circumstances could not be more different. This morning I was reminded about those days and the people here who helped me through them.

Somewhere toward the end of July/ first of August in 2011 (a couple months after BD) XW moved to her grandparents old house 40 miles away and the kids and I helped her with the use of her dad's truck. At the time I thought this was just a phase and that she would get down there and see how much she missed me and come back home. I didn't quite realize how much her lawyer boy OM was in the picture until she started going on about him during the trip to her new home and telling the kids what a great guy he was. When we arrived at the house and started unloading, then-S6 got hit in the head by the truck tailgate that then-D10 dropped and fell on the ground crying. XW didn't even acknowledge him or check on him until after I had picked him up and carried him inside. Even despite all this, all 3 kids decided they wanted to take her up on her offer to spend the night at XW's new house (the only night they did) so I ended up driving home alone and going home to an empty house.

Everything hit me like a freight train that night as I sat in the darkness of my living room. I remember thinking about how much I had been praying and how it felt like even God was not listening to me. I took out my loaded handgun from my room and lay it on my desk in front of me and just stared at it. I felt like I had lost my family and everything in the world that mattered to me, and that my life as I had known in was over despite my best efforts and having done nothing to deserve it. As I sat and stared at the gun I made the decision to end my life that night and picked the place I was going to do it. No one was there, no one knew and I had not indicated to anyone that I was planning or even considering it at that time. I picked up the gun to take to the place I was going to do it (not at the home) and started toward the truck, but decided to make one last post on here before I did.

I'm not sure what made me decide to do it, but thankfully since this forum is worldwide there were people active from other time zones who were on at that time and saw my post and commented immediately. My dear friend Shantilly Lace, Heartsblessing and I believe Stayed (she may remember) immediately started commenting and asking questions to get me talking. They shared their stories and offered support and understanding as they had walked that path before me. I messaged back and forth with them the entire night and until the sun came up the next morning, and realized when I saw it peeking over the trees that I had lived to see another day. I unloaded the gun and put it back in my nightstand and never picked it up again for that reason. This was not a cry for help as I was resolved that I was going to do it and it would be one and done, not an attempt, but the friends here kept me from it. I am a believer that God puts people in your life at just the right time and also puts us in other lives at also the right times. That night I owed my life to the 3 who cared enough to spend their night/ day talking to someone in another state and on another continent for at least two of them. That was the one and only night that I've been that close to the ledge and I've put safeguards in place to ensure I never go back there again. It's not a good place to be, but it does help me in my career and especially when dealing with clients in crisis.

I shared that last part for two reasons. First off, I know I'm not the only one who's been to that ledge and I know that the things we here have gone through are more than enough to put someone in that mindset so I want to let the newbies or anyone who's been there or may go there know there is hope and it gets better. It does. I promise!. The other reason is for my own healing as it helps me to put things to words so that my conscious brain can process them and work through them. It's both logical and illogical that my abandonment triggers are going off as I worked to help the kids get to this point and prayed that it would one day come for them, but our good old nasty subconscious holds many dark secrets that it just loves to let out at the wrong times. It will be okay.

On a related note, I'm very interested to know how many of my fellow survivors are doing so if you're reading this or have any updates I'd love to hear from you or about them. I know HeartsBlessing passed away a few years ago and I still stay in touch with Shantilly, but has anyone heard from Mamma Bear, Little Chief, Honour, Phoenix or others from that time period?

Peace to you all.