[Nas]

https://psychcentral.com/health/hypervigilance

(It was interesting to me while reading this article on hypervigilance, I didn’t even think twice about it but ever since I had a bad car accident last year, I have not had music on while driving.)


https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2017/10/long-term-narcissistic-abuse-can-cause-brain-damage

Personal antidote to link these two articles: on Friday, I got in my car to drive to treatment and it wouldn’t start. Turns out it has a bad battery that needs to be replaced. OK, it’s under warranty no big deal, right?

Took an Uber to treatment and back, an unexpected expense. OK,  it sucks but not that big of a deal, right?

Approached my apartment door and there was an envelope stuck to it. Apparently there was a mixup and my rent payment was not applied and someone from the leasing office had delivered me a lovely “notice to quit” with four pages of very legal sounding mumbo-jumbo that seemed hideously unnecessary for a payment that was a few days late from someone who has never missed a payment before. But the payment was made and I left a message asking to speak to someone in the leasing office as soon as they open on Monday to confirm it’s all clears up, so, relax, no big deal, right?

Well, turns out it’s not so cut and dry.
The effects of my childhood, the effects of my marriage to a narcissist, the effects of major health issues, the effects of being homeless… I wonder if I will ever respond normally to anything ever again. Sometimes I feel (using the words of the divorce papers I was unable to serve my vanished husband) irretrievably broken. So it was good to read in this article that there are things you can do to repair the hippocampus. (I’d really love to get a good system of aromatherapy going - wouldn’t it be nice if all it took to feel safe was some lavender, sandalwood and frankincense? It’s all worth a try - might even help with insomnia.)

These events all seem to be irritating “life happens” type things. Yesterday, the day after all of the chaos, I was working when I heard a knock on the apartment door. I wasn’t even thinking consciously about what had happened the day before, yet at the sound of an unexpected knock I immediately started shaking, sweating and could feel my pulse beating out of my skin. A completely involuntary response, and obviously irrational. I mean, it’s not like they were going to send a constable to escort me out of my apartment within 24 hours of receiving the notice. But that’s how my body responded. Within the space of two seconds after a knock on the door, I went through an entire scenario of “oh my God, I’m going to be homeless again and I’m broke and I have a car issues so now I don’t even have a car to sleep in….” So not “normal,” so not rational. And even though I knew that and the thought was fleeting and not even fully formed or fully conscious, my body still responded to the intense“threat.“

I share this because I know a lot of us had these kind of seemingly outsized and difficult to explain responses to things after BD, or after our spouses subjected us to horrendous treatment, and this will resonate with folks here.
Hypervigilance is bone tired, soul sucking exhausting. I don’t “overreact” to things in an outward way that people would notice or recognize, and I don’t react to everything. But when I do react, it’s not voluntary or on a conscious level. Even after so much therapy and work on myself, some things are just so deeply embedded.

This also makes me think of some really bizarre things I read here about MLCers doing and I wonder if some of their wacky behaviors are sometimes a response to a past trauma being triggered or a hypervigilant response to an unconscious “threat,” and maybe that’s why they sometimes seem like they are not even fully aware of what they’re doing or why. Just a thought…

A song I no longer blast while driving:
🎶 https://youtu.be/amd_5VoVt1I

[xyzcf]

UN Broken. The Trauma Response is Never Wrong and other things you need to take back your life. MaryCatherine McDonald, PhD


Too often, we think of trauma as that which breaks our spirit. Instead, says Dr. MaryCatherine McDonald, the trauma response proves our spirit cannot be broken. Sharing the latest research and self-care tools, this trauma expert's radical reframing will change how you understand trauma and open up a profound new approach for healing.
A profound new approach to healing trauma, grounded in a radical reframing of how we understand this nearly universal experience

For centuries, we've been taught that being traumatized means we are somehow broken--and that trauma only happens to people who are too fragile or flawed to deal with hardship. But as a researcher, teacher, and survivor, Dr. MaryCatherine McDonald has learned that the only thing broken is our society's understanding of trauma. "The body's trauma response is designed to save our lives--and it does," she says. "It's not a sign of weakness, but of our function, strength, and amazing resilience."
With Unbroken: The Trauma Response Is Never Wrong, Dr. McDonald overturns the misconceptions about trauma with the latest evidence from neuroscience and psychology--and shares tested practices and tools to help you work with your body's coping mechanisms to accelerate healing. Here, you'll explore:
- What is trauma? The latest science that undoes the stigmas of shame, blame, and humiliation
- Moral injury--having our basic sense of how the world should work overturned
- The truth about triggers--what they really are and how they can guide the healing journey
- Traumatic patterns--new findings to help break free from recurring habits and toxic dynamics
- Why we can always rewrite our inner narratives, no matter how much time has passed
- Finding a "relational home" for trauma--how we can help each other return to wholeness
Dr. McDonald's case studies reveal the many ways trauma can manifest and persist in our lives, yet there's one factor every case has in common: the trauma response itself reveals the path to healing. "Our traumatic experiences reveal that we can be bent, dented, or bruised," she says, "but we cannot be broken." For anyone who has gone through trauma or wants to help others who are struggling, here is an empowering resource for finding our way home to our bodies, rebuilding our relationships, and returning to full engagement with life.
A profound new approach to healing trauma, grounded in a radical reframing of how we understand this nearly universal experience

[KayDee]

On Betrayal Trauma https://www.livestrong.com/article/13773594-betrayal-trauma/?utm_source=pocket-newtab-global-en-GB

[UrsaMajor]

Don't try to taste green with your elbow:

[Nas]

This article showed up in my inbox this morning that I thought might interest some folks. I have almost the opposite of “death anxiety” in my circumstances, but we often talk about the MLCers’ fear of facing mortality.
Notice how in the tips for reining in this fear, nowhere does it suggest having an affair, bankrupting your family, or running around from place to place expecting something to change…

https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-deal-with-death-anxiety-with-the-help-of-cbt

[Nas]

Beautiful article:

https://psyche.co/ideas/when-emotions-rot-they-compost-and-transform-into-something-new

[MadLuv]

So good. It is like it is written for how the LBS healthily gets to a better place through processing as a normal adult and shows exactly what the MLCer is not doing and why they can remain stuck or not ever be a better version of themselves. Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed the article.

[Evermore]

Beautiful article:

https://psyche.co/ideas/when-emotions-rot-they-compost-and-transform-into-something-new

Hank you Nas. Very appropriate for me right now.

[Nas]

Came across this today and thought it was a really thought provoking way to look at “hope” in any situation:

https://aeon.co/essays/when-clinging-to-old-hopes-gets-in-the-way-of-healing-and-growth

Recognising the complexity of hope involves, he suggests, acknowledging the dialectic interplay ‘between the static and familiar and the longing for something fuller and more rewarding’.

Wanting to be understood, as adults, can be, among many other things, our most violent form of nostalgia.’ Alex’s anger, with himself and with others, was not only a reaction to fear and hurt, not only a ‘secondary emotion’, but a protective anticipation to disappointment and injury.

[Treasur]

Came across this today and thought it was a really thought provoking way to look at “hope” in any situation:

https://aeon.co/essays/when-clinging-to-old-hopes-gets-in-the-way-of-healing-and-growth

Recognising the complexity of hope involves, he suggests, acknowledging the dialectic interplay ‘between the static and familiar and the longing for something fuller and more rewarding’.

Wanting to be understood, as adults, can be, among many other things, our most violent form of nostalgia.’ Alex’s anger, with himself and with others, was not only a reaction to fear and hurt, not only a ‘secondary emotion’, but a protective anticipation to disappointment and injury.

What a very interesting article.
Struck by the comment that hope, or that double-edged version perhaps, is based on needing to believe that it is possible for a wish to be fulfilled and that you have some influence over whether it is or not. Rang true for me - certainly when my hopes were more specific.