[sachat3]

I am caught up now.
I’m so sorry to hear about your wives cousin! What an awful time.

[Curiosity]

Small update… we are recently back after a much-needed vacation. We did a bit of stargazing, W had a massage, we took some scenic drives, only did minimal hiking because it was still quite warm (and admittedly, I need to regain the good diet and exercise habits that I have let slip). In many ways, it felt like a trip we might have taken 5 years or so into our relationship. I found myself thinking (only a little, not in a perseverating way) about the “weekend getaway” more than 2 ½ years ago, that I thought was a chance to reconnect after life and work had put some distance between us… but which actually turned out to be BD1. Then, I thought of a trip we took after she ended her EA but was still in escape and avoid mode, shortly before she decided to move out of our home. Finally, I thought about the couple of vacations we have taken since she recommitted to our marriage. And what I find interesting (though I suppose not surprising) is how gradual the process of rebuilding trust is… and yet, it keeps rebuilding. Each time, the anxiety I felt around BD fades a bit more, and each time, I feel a little closer to her and a little more sure of us. At the same time, I don’t feel at all like we are backsliding into the unhealthy patterns of codependency. At least, I don’t feel any of that unhealthy attachment from myself. I guess I can’t be completely sure of what is in her mind and heart. But I will say that there are words of love and appreciation, and more importantly, they are backed up by actions. Life isn’t perfect - we have the same stresses as a lot of people out there. But it feels like we’re a team again, and I honestly wasn’t sure I would be able to get there. It’s not the same relationship it was before BD, of course, and we all know that it never is. But it’s a good one, and it’s one that enhances my life without defining my life.

One thing that has truly brought me joy is the reconnection with a person who has been my best friend since high school. We were so alike, we were practically the same person in many ways, and we were incredibly close and shared everything in high school and the early part of college. We went to different universities, but stayed in very close contact despite that. As we were nearing the end of our college years and choosing career paths, we went in different directions and I guess life just started getting in the way. We stopped calling, didn’t know each other’s college friends… she got married and I embarked on a very time-consuming career path. We lost touch for close to 10 years, and then I happened to be thinking of her and I found her email. I took a chance and reached out, not sure how it might be received. I felt responsible for the distance between us because my training made me so unavailable in the prior years. But she was glad to hear from me, and we have been back in touch ever since - more than 15 years now. It was mostly small talk, catching up and a few anecdotes from our lives, and almost always via email. Then, a few texts happened now and then, and an occasional phone call. We live in different parts of the country and almost never see each other in person, which I regret and still want to change. But… over these past few years, I confided in her, first about W and then more generally about my own codependency and efforts to improve my own well-being. Then, I confided in her about things with A - the friendship and the struggles. And in these past couple of years, we are as close as we were in our late teen years. We actually talk to each other about the meaningful things in our minds and hearts. We talk about family dynamics and relationship struggles, and about the good things too. We talk about our paths toward better understanding of ourselves and our relationships. Even when we were distant, I always considered her friendship the most meaningful of my life… but now, it feels like we both truly embrace the intimacy of a true friendship in a way that we certainly didn’t fully understand as teenagers.

I truly believe that rebuilding and gaining a new appreciation for real friendship is something that would have happened regardless of the outcome of W’s crisis - it is the result of the work I have done to rebuild my own life in the wake of the crisis that led to this new friendship. That’s one of the things that resonates with me when reading stories in this community. Even though a spouse or partner’s MLC is what brings us here, it is probably the least important thing about our stories in the long run. Our stories are about our own paths toward healing and joy and purpose… and though the crisis may be a catalyst for the beginning of those journeys, everything that happens after BD is up to us.

/ramble

[FaithWalker]

I truly believe that rebuilding and gaining a new appreciation for real friendship is something that would have happened regardless of the outcome of W’s crisis - it is the result of the work I have done to rebuild my own life in the wake of the crisis that led to this new friendship. That’s one of the things that resonates with me when reading stories in this community. Even though a spouse or partner’s MLC is what brings us here, it is probably the least important thing about our stories in the long run. Our stories are about our own paths toward healing and joy and purpose… and though the crisis may be a catalyst for the beginning of those journeys, everything that happens after BD is up to us.

Yes!  I totally agree.  And I recently posted in my thread how I wish that more people would continue to share their stories here.

[MadLuv]

Curiosity- thank you for sharing. I just had a conversation on this with an old friend as well. She said, you always jeep in touch with people from your past. I said, I don’t forget people in my life. Once you touched me you are always there. That has been my most difficult aspect of dealing with a MLCer H of 40 years that has flown the coup to disconnect. It’s just not how I handle my life and connections. Good for you for embracing your friendships. We can never have to many good friends.

[Curiosity]

FW and ML, thanks for the replies.

FW - it’s interesting how, when I came here and when I first started posting, all I wanted was information that would reassure me about W - that she was really in crisis and not just a walkaway, that there was something about her behavior that would suggest she was going to come home… it was all about her. Gradually, what resonated with me was how the LBS responded to their MLCer… and then it reached a point where it wasn’t about the MLCer at all. It’s about a run in beautiful surroundings, tending the allotment and snuggling a sweet kitty, traveling, bonding with kids or pets, finding a new job, and all of the things that make up our very full and very diverse lives. And sure, I have some interest in the stories of how people navigate reconnection - but I’m no more or less interested in that than in all the other things that contribute to who we are. So yes, I completely agree - I would love it if everyone stayed and continued to update from time to time. Nobody who has joined this community should even feel unwelcome. Of course, the decision to post and the frequency of posting is up to each person, but I wish everyone felt welcome to stay, regardless of the outcome of the MLCer’s crisis.

ML, I agree with you. I mean, I have lost touch with people - often we were thrown together in training or school and when our lives diverged, we just didn’t make the effort. But every single person who was a significant part of my life is a part of who I am today. I think of them and I hope their life path has been what they want it to be. And the people who were true friends, are always going to be true friends. MIL tends to write people off - she’ll quarrel with someone and suddenly they aren’t friends anymore, and she never mentions them again. I don’t know if she even thinks of them again. I could never do that. Actual human connections are precious things, and should be valued as such. They may not all be forever, but appreciating their impact on our lives is so important.

[Curiosity]

Time does march on… I can’t believe 2023 is almost here! I have been checking in periodically but haven’t had much to post. MIL arrived last month to stay with us for the winter. It’s a mixed bag… we coexist peacefully, and I enjoy her company. But… anxiety and depression affects MIL and all three of her daughters, and I do sometimes feel like they can enable each other’s negative emotions. W knows that I have mixed feelings about MIL’s stays with us, but I also try not to dwell on it.

One thing that is a bit of a struggle for me is the residual distrust that came from BD and all that followed. When W is feeling particularly depressed, she withdraws and becomes distant and irritable. And I have largely gotten past my fixer tendencies; I know I can’t resolve her problems. I express sympathy and ask how I can support her. And I am genuinely sorry she suffers with anxiety and depression and burnout. I truly don’t mind picking up the extra housework when she is down and disengaged; I enjoy having a tidy home and don’t mind doing what needs to be done to get there. And it’s not all the time… much of the time, she is engaged and relatively happy and unstressed. Or at least that is what she presents to me and to the world. But sometimes there will be an evening or a day or a few days, where she seems almost hopeless, withdrawn, and completely detached.

And that’s when I feel the effect of her crisis… because a part of me is waiting for her to check out of our marriage again, and trying to keep my heart safe. So I have these mixed feelings, trying to keep a healthy level of detachment (both because I know I can’t fix things for her, and to protect myself in case she’s checking out) while still showing that I see her unhappiness and I have empathy for her (because I do, and I want to be open about my own emotions - but also because I don’t want her to think that I’m clueless about her struggles).

It’s hard to be a fundamentally happy, content person married to someone with anxiety and depression… which is not to minimize how hard it is to be the person with anxiety and depression. Certainly, her path is far more difficult than mine. But it’s a difficult balance, supporting her and being understanding and empathetic without following her spirals into withdrawal and unhappiness. And when you add to that the lingering doubt about her level of commitment, it’s a bit of a challenging place to be sometimes.

The difference between now and our pre-BD codependency, though, is that I can identify my emotions as being separate from hers and I am able to be happy and content within myself, at the same time that I try to support her in her sadness. I can recognize that she is depressed and anxious and burned out, and that in no way impacts my worth as a human being or as a spouse.

I hope that the little bit of doubt within me is unfounded; that she is struggling as an individual but still values me and our marriage as being positive aspects of and influences in her life. I’d even say that I think it is very likely that she still values me and is committed to our marriage. But I also know that, if she does walk out again, I won’t be blindsided or shattered as I was before.

[forthetrees]

It’s hard to be a fundamentally happy, content person married to someone with anxiety and depression… which is not to minimize how hard it is to be the person with anxiety and depression. Certainly, her path is far more difficult than mine. But it’s a difficult balance, supporting her and being understanding and empathetic without following her spirals into withdrawal and unhappiness. And when you add to that the lingering doubt about her level of commitment, it’s a bit of a challenging place to be sometimes.

Yes, you put that well. Maybe  it´s the stress of the visit and those holiday expectations. Sending you strength.

[Curiosity]

Thanks, FTT. As you said, it’s likely that seasonal stressors are at least partly to blame. Part of my post was about journaling, part was about venting, and part was about wanting to be open about some of the ups and downs that can occur in reconnection… not quite a roller coaster, but not completely rosy, either.

[Standing Strong]

Hi-C 

What a wonderful update! You have become strong and on your own two feet...... now you won't be knocked down ever again.

It's so nice to hear how you are the strength now, and I think that changes so many things.
What I've seen is when they enter that depressed and hopeless stage, being strong just ties things together.

Keep going!!! You're doing great!!

-SS

[9393roo]

Hi Curiosity,
Wanted to drop in here and let you know I understand many parts where you are coming from.  This reconnection thing can be confusing to say the least.
Just a question for you.  Have the two of you thought about MC?  I know that you are individually trying to work on yourselves (You are making amazing headway BTW...from one former codependent to another   But has anything been done to put the relationship back together?  This was a very difficult decision for me to start MC again, but we got stuck to the point of whenever we would try to talk about us we would both shut down.  It's taken a long time and a good therapist to get where we are.  (As a side note, to any newbie I am NOT a proponent of MC in MLC, tried many times while H was in replay and it was a great failure)

It’s hard to be a fundamentally happy, content person married to someone with anxiety and depression… which is not to minimize how hard it is to be the person with anxiety and depression. Certainly, her path is far more difficult than mine. But it’s a difficult balance, supporting her and being understanding and empathetic without following her spirals into withdrawal and unhappiness. And when you add to that the lingering doubt about her level of commitment, it’s a bit of a challenging place to be sometimes.

I know for me I was getting tired of being the strong one.  Depression and shame hit my H hard and I tried to remain patient, but I was hurt as well.  We went through a big bought of back and forth, we almost separated because neither of us were getting what we needed from our marriage.  We are slowly learning how to take care of each other and how to vocalize what we need from each other in order to make a healthy marriage.

But I also know that, if she does walk out again, I won’t be blindsided or shattered as I was before.

This was a huge step for me as well.  In fact I told our therapist that the other day.  My H looked a little shocked.  One thing MLC has given us is a new strength in ourselves for sure. 

Hang in there, enjoy the moments of good and calm.  Wishing you all the best.

Roo